I’ve puzzled till my puzzler is sore, and I really don’t get my mother’s problem here. I’m wondering what the consensus is on this.
My MIL and SIL are flying in tomorrow. My parents have invited us all over for Christmas Eve dinner. The flight is getting in around 2:00, and MIL asked if she could come to our house first and have some time to relax and freshen up before going to my parents’.
Upon hearing this from me, my mother went ballistic over MIL “pulling this stuff” all the time (which is not my perception - hell, I’m not sure what “this stuff” even refers to), and how it is always about her (again, not to my recollection). Mom says MIL is the “invitee” and should not ask for a delay in the time of arrival.
My view is that a host has the obligation to make a guest feel comfortable and welcome. And we have two hosts who should do that here. As the primary host (they are staying at our house), I should provide reasonable facilities and opportunity for my guests to feel comfortable and relaxed. As the secondary host, my mother has a similar obligations to accomodate her guests to a reasonable degree. And I don’t think it’s unreasonable after a harried week and a stressful plane trip to want to unwind for a short while and wash/change/whatever.
The weirdest thing to me is that the time of the invitation is totally arbitrary. They said to come over when the flight gets in - I don’t think my parents even knew what time that would be when they extended the invitation. So if the flight had gotten in at 4:00, coming at 4:00 would be fine, but if the flight gets in at 2:00, coming over at 4:00 is a disaster.
I’m tempted to just tell my folks the flight got delayed (with ILs in on it of course), except that would disclose (what I consider to be) my parents’ rudeness to my guests, which seems even worse.
Seriously though… why *wouldn’t * they want the opportunity to freshen up after a flight? Flying is stressful, and tiring, and rough on the skin, and won’t your in-laws need to stop at your place to unload their bags anyway? What’s the harm in letting them take a shower and have a drink or a cup of coffee before heading over to your parents?
Sounds like your mom is stressing on stuff and has chosen this to go ballistic on.
It’s totally reasonable for your inlaws to catch their breath and get oriented at your house before tackling a Big Family Christmas. Tell your mom that all of you will be there at 4.
Another vote for your mom acting nuts in this situation. What kind of host would demand their guests arrive stressed out and rumpled in the absence of an extremely compelling reason?
I feel like I have to say, mostly my mom is a kind and loving person. Then for some reason she will do a hard left into psycholand on one or two issues. I guess this gets added to the list.
I appreciate the support - she seemed so *sure * this was some kind of universal standard that should be clear to me, I started to wonder if I could be the weird one.
Sounds nuts to me, too. It might be worth trying to find out if there was something your mom was planning in terms of what food to serve or entertainment or something that hinged on people getting there at a certain time. It seems like having people arrive at 4 would be better anyway, but who knows.
Sorry for the double post, but just had another thought on this. What does your mom mean by “pulling this stuff?” In the interest of avoiding, or at least understanding, future family fights you might want to find that out. Does your mom perhaps resent being the hardworking hostess while MIL generally plays the role of guest in the relationship?
Your mother is complaining for the sake of it. No doubt something else going on in your mother’s perception of her relationship with your MIL that is expressing itself bizarrely.
It’s not quite the same situation, but when I used to visit my mom in Seattle every summer, she’d be upset if I didn’t go to her house first thing. No stopping for anything. If the flight got in at 2, I was expected at the house by 3.
It got to where I’d fib to her about what time the flight was arriving, just so I could have some breathing room between the day-long hassle of air travel and the (sometimes) strain of the visit.
Like Caridwen speculated, maybe your mom’s a bit jealous, or doesn’t like sharing her family during the holidays.
It may also be stress. During the holidays, when you’re planning for a lot of people and/or events, it can throw you off when people don’t go along with your schedule. My mom is generally perfectly fine (wonderful, even) with all the crazy last-minute stuff. But in the fifteen minutes before the holiday dinner gets put on the table, she turns a bit psycho. She snarls at my father (who empties the dishwasher, and – truly, he does – puts everything away in the right place, except one thing, that he finds a “new and better” place for, but then he forgets where it is, and it’s always something she needs – the meat fork, for example); she asks us to put things on the table, then follows us to the table and puts the things three inches away from where we put them, etc. And god forbid if there’s a tv on; it better get turned off and classical music put on.
But then as soon as the meal starts, she’s fine again. I think the stress just layers on, and then she finds an outlet, and then she’s all good. So your mom may be the same way, and just expressing her inner control freak inappropriately.
I general I would never ask a hostess to change her plan to suit me. However, in the case of “flying in” I would, as a hostess, have to make some allowances for travel and changing and freshening up.
We have a “late worker” tomorrow at the in-laws, and they asked me to delay picking up the food. It’s cool. It’s the holidays and it won’t kill any of us to accommodate someone we care about.
Thank you for focusing on what matters. This might be the crux of the matter, here. Sounds like mom has some axe to grind with MIL. If you somehow convince her about this one issue, she might just go off and look for another one.
… and apparently strap on their armor. Your mom is venting over the wrong thing. She should wait until you arrive with all of the guests and then take offense at some incredibly small slight or presumed slight.
She’s nuts, and she’s jumping the gun. No offense.
I’d tell your mom that the flight was delayed. And then next time, knowing your mom’s tendency to have these little snits, I’d tell her the arrival time of the flight accordingly.
