Dear Miss Dope-Manners - a game

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I don’t know if this has ever been done before, and I don’t care. Nyahh!!

Here’s how it goes - I’ll start it off by posting an etiquette question. Y’all post your hilariously funny, deeply inappropriate, and flat-out wacky responses, written, of course, in the manner of Miss Manners. Then y’all post your own etiquette question. Got it? Here we go.

Dear Miss Dope-Manners:

As a gentleman of proper breeding, I hold doors open for ladies as a matter of course. However, I admit befuddlement concerning the proper course of action when the door opens away from myself. Should I step through the door ahead of the lady and hold it for her to enter in turn, should I stand aside and let the lady open the door herself, or is there another course of conduct I should undertake?

Respectfully,

Sua Sponte.

2

Gentlereader -
You could of course fold your cape over the threshold, and allow milady to trample it, but then you might not be allowed into the Loge area of the opera.
So, you whistle for a cab and have the cabbie open the door.
Tip as you would the groundskeeper at a mauseleum.

Dear Miss Manners -

When I really want to get a second scoup of dip with my just- nibbled celery stick, is it proper to distract my hostess by dropping a spoon on the exquisite parquet flooring?

3

Dear Sua:

What you should do is attempt to open the door by pulling it out toward you. Try this for a few seconds, then turn to the woman and say, “I’m sorry. I don’t know how this thing works.” Then flee on foot.

Miss(ter) Dope-Manners
Dear Miss Dope-Manners:

What is the proper way to recover after accidentally flipping a turkey leg into your hostess’s lap during Thanksgiving dinner?

Thanks in advance,

LindyHopper

4

Dear Gentlereader (blackmonday)

Double dipping with your celery stick is quite unacceptable. you should always use your closest body part instead. If you lick it first, you’ll get more dip.

Sincerely,

MissDopeManners
(another question has already been posted)

5

Dear Lindyhopper:

Such a pertinent question - this being the holiday season!

The answer to your question almost certainly depends upon your level of familiarity with the hostess in question. For immediate family members (up through and including second cousins, once removed), you should feel free to reach into the hostesses lap and regain possession of the drumstick. A simple, “Pardon me while I pull my leg out of your crotch,” should suffice for an apology. For more distant family members and non-relatives, you may feel secure in the knowledge that by reaching into their laps, picking up the drumstick, smelling it, and blowing onto the food (“So as to get rid of all of the pubes.”) you have committed no faux pas. Bon apetit’!

Dear Miss Manners:

My husband is performing cunnilingus on me and I accidentally fart. Have I committed a breach of etiquette?

Signed,

Windy

6

Gentle Reader:

Etiquette is the formalization of common sense. In the situation you described, you have caused a mess - you should clean it up.
However, it would be unseemly for a gentleman such as yourself to place your hands near the, ahem, lower regions of your hostess. Therefore you should properly clean the turkey leg from your hostess’ lap with your mouth. Use suction to remove excess gravy and stains.

Miss Dope-Manners

7

Gentle Reader -

Certainly not. The only acceptable use of a spoon as a distraction is to cover the noise of an unavoidable Loss of Intestinal Pressure.

The proper distraction for double-dipping celery is to gently murmur “Look - there on the lawn - what is the second under-ostler doing to your favorite polo pony?” and then have your way with the vegetable dip.

Dear Ms. Manners -

Whilst we were attending a reception for our neighbor’s eldest’s bar mitzvah, the elder sister of the guest of honor announced that she did not leave graduate school to pursue a career as an upholsterer, as was generally understood, but had been kidnapped by Satanists and ceremonially wedded to the Prince of Darkness. Is it proper for her still to serve as maid of honor at the wedding of my gerbil?

Perplexed

8

Dear LindyHopper -

One of the primary goals of etiquette is to avoid embarassing someone, even by accident. The most expeditious method of saving your hostess from embarassment is to deflect attention. I would recommend a diversionary tactic such as exclaiming “Look at those two dogs doing it in the garden!”
Dear Miss Dope-Manners

My significant other and I have a continuing disagreement about an intimate matter. During oral sex, may one spit out the ejaculate of one’s partner, or does etiquette demand swallowing?

9

Dear LindyHopper:

You should waggle your eyebrows, make an inappropriate sexual remark, and attempt to grope your hostess while retreiving the turkey leg. This will reassure the lovely lady that your table manners are up to snuff, and let her know that you are deeply interested in her personal well-being.

If the party is being hosted by a couple, you should grope the host, as well, to show respect for the union and to prevent His Lordship from feeling excluded. This is doubly important if he is larger than you or appears to be armed.

Happy Holidays,

Miss Manners

Dear Miss Manners:

My neighbor’s dog keeps getting into my yard and pooping sneakily. Should I send a thank you note for each “gift”?

Wonderingly,

Seawitch

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Dear Seawitch,

What you should do is pick up each present the offending pup leaves and after you have about 20-30 lbs of it, take it over to your neighbor’s house and place it on his doorstep with a sign saying “your pooch seems to have misplaced these in my yard.”

This should alleviate the problem, and your neighbor will vigilantly watch his dog from then on!

Dear Dopermanners,

I have a co worker who has very bad B.O. Me and my other co workers are trying to decide how to broach this subject with him. Do you know what we should do?

Signed
Holding his breath

11

Dear Gentle Reader,
First, stop holding your breath or you may pass out. As I am sure you know, it would be quite rude to make a direct statement to your co-worker regarding such a personal and embarrassing problem as body odor. However, you would be doing yourself and your other co-workers a disservice if the situation is not rectified.

I suggest using indirect, subtle hints that will allow your co-worker to realize he has a problem. Perhaps you should stand close to this co-worker and sniff the air. Make a retching noise and declare, “What the hell died in here?!” Repeat as often as necessary.

Signed,
Miss Dopermanners

Dear Miss Dopermanners,

The holiday season is fast approaching and I am in need of some gift giving etiquette. What does one give to a vain step-mother who has previously tried to poison said gift-giver?

Signed,

S. White

12

Gentle Reader,

It is quite thoughtful of you to remember your stepmother this holiday season notwithstanding the obvious ill will betwixt the two of you. Good manners does not require your descent into financial embarrassment in order to purchase a gift for the lady, however.

A handmade gift is an excellent way to show your stepmother that you are thinking of her. Are you talented in the kitchen? If so, perhaps a box of handmade chocolates might be the thing to do. Just remember that the Ex-Lax must be crushed before melting to ensure a uniform texture. If you make donuts or other baked goods for her instead, make sure you can clearly recognize which are topped with roach powder and which have powdered sugar.

If Stepmommy doesn’t have a sweet tooth, perhaps you can turn your decorative talents toward a gift. Poison ivy and stinkweed make beautiful wreaths. Just remember to wear goggles and gloves when arranging!

In your letter, you mention that you share a cottage with seven short miners. Perhaps you can enlist them to help? Treat Stepmom to a day of beauty, delivered by your friends. As miners they already have the tools and equipment necessary to perform a wonderful makeover. Just remember to lay the plastic sheets down before you try to dispose of what’s left.

Good luck and happy gifting.

Yrs. most sincerely,

Miss Dopemanners

Dear Miss Dopemanners,

My girlfriend is a wonderful woman who treats me like a king. She’s gorgeous, thoughtful, great fun, and wonderful to be with. The only problem is that she snores like a woodchipper with a crowbar stuck in the chute. Is there a tactful way to ask that she try to do something about her problem?

Yr. obt. svt.,

Sleepless in Seattle

13

Dear Sleepless:

Bringing up a personal problem of anyone even someone who you are having a relationship with is very stressful for both parties. I highly reccomend using a ball-gag on your girlfriend before you go to bed at night, this should muffle all but the loudest snoring. Explain to her that while there is no way that she has ever snored in her life, you think that she will look so much more beautiful and tender in her sleep with a gag-ball in her mouth and how much more you will enjoy yourself gazing at her sleeping face with a gag-ball stuffed in it.

Dear Miss dopermanners:

My in-laws are comming over for a 2 week visit, and they are staying over at our house. I love my in-laws dearly but they are cronic 3 pack a day smokers and I don’t smoke. Is there any way that I could tactfully ask them not to smoke around my 8 month old baby girl?

Signed

Deathy Afraid

14

Dear Sleepless:

My, you are a fortunate man to have a woman as wonderful as your girlfriend seems to be! I do, however, understand your snoring issue; such a delicate flower should be seen and not heard, no?

I recommend the following course of action. With a normal snore, one can superglue the nostrils shut, but clearly your lady has a more robust reverberation. The next time rain is predicted, you should tamper with the brake lines on her car. Just the teensiest bit, so that stopping will be dicey. You should also disable her airbags. Then call her repeatedly on her cell phone during the heaviest gusts of rain.

No doubt there will be a small traffic accident. While she is in the hospital awaiting treatment, have a quiet word with her doctor. He may be able to remove adenoids, repair the soft palate, or even fill those pesky sinuses with dental cement. Voila! The deed is done, and she has been spared the pain of hearing you complain!

Rest Well,

Miss Manners

Dear Miss Manners:

My once-beloved husband has run off with his secretary. Should I hunt him down and kill them both, or just take all his money and laugh?

Signed,

Bitter

15

Gentle Reader:

Miss Dopermanners sympathizes with your plight. It is always difficult to broach a subject over which the offending party has little or no control, and pains must be taken to not be accusatory. To this end, when you raise the issue, do it gently, and most importantly, have possible solutions at hand.
Miss Dopermanners suggests either a rubber-ball gag, or a kitten to sleep on your loved one’s face,

Regards,
Miss Dopermanners.
Dear Miss Doper-manners:

I am soon to be married. My fiance and I are paying for our own wedding and reception, and are on a limited budget.
We invited a close friend, and extended the invitation to both himself and a guest. Our friend RSVP’d for himself alone. Based on that, we invited another person from our “B” list, who accepted the invitation.
Now, only a few weeks before the wedding, he had informed us that he was begun dating a woman, and intends to bring her to the reception. Worse yet, he says that if his girlfriend isn’t invited, he won’t attend either. What are we to do?

Sincerely,
Wedding Day Jitters

16

Gentle Reader,

Mr. Dopermanners also maintains a smoke-free home (except when Mrs. Dopermanners attempts to bake bread of any kind. Since this only happens semi-annually, and the smoke detector batteries need to be checked anyway, Mr. Dopermanners excludes this bit of incompetence from the ‘smoke-free’ rule). Etiquette requires that, while visiting, guests abide by the rules of the host(s) - regardless of the length of stay. A nice memory helper is “When not in your abode - abide”. A simple request to the in-laws (well in advance of their arrival) should be sufficient to ward off any problems. Absolutely do use your infant daughter as a bargaining chip, er, reason for your concern. A refined guest will get the message.

If, however, during their stay the in-laws “forget” the ‘If you want to smoke, fine, but not around me or mine’ rule, Mr. Dopermanners has found a quite successful reminder in the phrase “Put it out now, please, before I shove the whole damn carton up your ass and light it with a blowtorch!”. Smile, of course, when you say this.

Regards,
Mr. Dopermanners

Gentle Reader,

Yes.

Regards,
Mr. Dopermanners
Dear Mr(s). Dopermanners,

We are planning a formal dinner party in our home for the evening of Thanksgiving. We have invited 27 close family members and dear friends. The menu has been planned and approved based on the dietary requirements and desires of each guest, and seating has been meticulously planned.

We own an adorable, well behaved dog who stays inside the house and is also considered a family member. There is no question that she will be in the house during the party. I am wondering if it is more appropriate to throw the dog on the table have make wild, pasionate sex with her between courses or just before dessert?

All the bestial to you and yours,
Animal Lover

17

Dear Animal Lover:

While traditionally, a family pet is not considered on par with human guests, Miss Dopermanners recognizes that cultural mores have changed, and etiquette should change with them. As always, when deriving new rules of etiquette to address new situations, one should look towards tradition, decorum, and, above all, practicality.
In this case, the rules of etiquette depends upon what meal you are serving. If the centerpiece of your meal is the traditional Thanksgiving turkey, the bird may be most distracting to your pooch while making monkey love. In that case, wait until before dessert, after all the dinner dishes have been removed from the table.
If you are serving vegetarian dishes instead, it is best to get the animal sex out of the way as early as possible, so as to allow the dinner to settle back into a natural rythym of genteel discourse.

Bon apetit!

Miss Dope-Manners