Macho, Doofus Brother in Law!! (not just ranting, but foaming)

The BBQ Pit
1

Or, "what was I supposed to do, let it happen?"

Some background: My immediate family is a small group of quite outspoken people. Including the people my sibs and I have married. I love my sister- and brother-in-law to distraction, and have never had the “(S)he’s not good enough…” feelings that mar most in-law relationships. That said:

My Brother in Law was a DOOFUS OF THE FIRST ORDER!!!

I was attending a party given on the 4th by my sister and brother-in-law. Not just a 4th party, but also a birthday party for both of them and my mom, who turned 57 on the first. Great. Fine. Friends, family…and some guys my brother in law plays softball with. Further background: My brother in law is 40. All of the guys he plays with are 40 or over. They all have jock attitudes. Take umbrage if you will, there is such a thing. One of these examples of masculinity comes in, goes straight to my sister’s fridge, and pulls out a beer and some stuff for sandwiches. I told him “Janet (my sis) has all the food outside, and the beers are in coolers.” Dorko looks at me and says “Yeah, but it’s just canned stuff. I want a bottle. And the food out there is probably warm.” I am picking my jaw up off the floor. Janet comes in, and he says “I put my kid in the front room with yours. You don’t mind watching til my wife gets here do ya? Thanks, babe.” and, without waiting for an answer, trots out the door. I turn to Janet, (who, by the way is 10 years my junior) and she can see the murder in my eyes. She says “He’s one of Daniel’s (my BIL) friends from softball. Don’t worry about it.” K. Fine. I let it go. Dorko’s wife gets there. She is 6 months pregnant and sweating like crazy, because dorko needed the car with A/C for him and his buddy and kid. Wife had to follow with his buddy’s wife. Blood pressure rises again…
Dorko then comes in with a plate full of food, and A CIGAR in a room full of kids and his PREGNANT WIFE!! and says: “You can get something for Jr. and yourself as soon as I’m done eating babe. What the hell is this on the box?” Meaning the TV. I say: “Monsters, Inc. It’s keeping the kids quiet, as it’s looking like nap time. Could you please put that thing out, it’s bothering me, and it’s really not allowed in this house.”

He TURNS OFF THE MOVIE AND TURNS ON THE DAMN BASEBALL GAME!! “Can’t miss the Yankees,” he grunts. Thats it. IT!! I grab the offending smoking turd and toss it in the sink. Turn back to disbelieving stud boy. “This is my sister’s house. Not yours. You have some balls walking in here and acting like you own it. I have watched you disrespect her for the last time. Kindly apologize. Now.” I said this quietly, it was only overheard by her wife and my husband, who raised his eyebrows and gave dorko a very “Oh, dude, you are sooo on your own here” look. Janet looks at dorko, waiting, who says “Jeez, can’t take a joke? What? The game’s on!! Jan, tell your sister to chill, it’s just me.” Janet does nothing but look embarrassed. Dorko’s wife whispers something to him. “I’ve only had 4 beers!” he shouts at her, and then, acting very offended, stomps outside to eat. I am about to follow him, but Janet says “let’s just let it go and have a good time. Daniel will sort it out.”

Dan comes in. Speaks quietly to Janet. She comes over to me, and says “Maureen, you’ve insulted one of my guests. Please apologize to him.” I look at her. “tell me you’re kidding.” She has a very pleading look on her face. I walk over to her husband. Want very badly to say “you bastard. You didn’t even have the tonkers to say it to me yourself?” Instead say: “Dan. I am going to mom’s house now. Please try to decide: Who deserves the apology? Your wife, or the guest who was rude to her and disrespected her?” And left. He called me yesterday, and said he’d like to talk.

WHAT THE HELL SHOULD I HAVE SAID!!!

2

Alcohol and testosterone poisoning: a deadly combination.

Won’t you please help?

3

As much of a jerk as the guy was being, it wasn’t your house, it was your sister’s and BIL’s. Your sister didn’t ask for help in dealing with a rude houseguest. She asked you to let it go. She then spoke with her husband and then asked you to apologize. Maybe, just maybe she did think you were out of line for dressing down a guest. Or maybe she’s a doormat to her husband’s opinions. Either way, you had noble intentions but poor ways of carrying them out - you’re a guest too and created a scene.

4

Ferret Herder, ordinarily I would agree with you. Except that dorko wasn’t just rude to Janet, he was rude to me too. Yes, I probably should have stayed out of it. But she didn’t go out to speak to Dan. MachoMan ran outside and tattled to my BIL. He came in and told Janet to get me to apologize. Wouldn’t even look me in the eye.

5

I had trouble keeping the characters straight, actually, and the “her wife” reference muddied the waters a bit.

I’d go along with everything you did except demanding an apology on behalf of your, uh, [hastily rereads] sister. Demanding apologies has always struck me as a waste of time.

Taking the cigar: perfect.

You shouldn’t apologize, but just let the matter die. With any luck, you’ll never see dorko again and there’s little point in increasing family friction.

6

Maureen, babe, how about picking up a 12 pack on the way back from your mom’s? Hate to miss any of the game…belch.

7

Nothing.

It wasn’t your house, it was your sister’s, and therefore it was her place to take offense and admonish guests, not yours.

Again, his house, not yours, his guests, not yours. You may be family, but you have no business setting yourself up as as the lady of the house when you are only a guest yourself.

Frankly, you are the one who should apologize for making an ass of yourself.

Take your own advice.

I’m taking plenty of umbrage because as a 41-year-old man who enjoys sports, I resent the implication that that makes me some sort of oaf who cannot behave properly in civilized society.

8

Actually, gobear, I said “They have jock attitudes.” At no point did I follow it up with “Like that guy Gobear.” Do you have a jock attitude? That’s a little different from enjoying sports. I love basketball. Can’t drag me away during the finals. But I do not have a jock attitude.

9

Maureen, you’re in the wrong here, etiquette-wise. I would have wanted to do what you did, too, but then and there was neither the time nor place.

Manners aside, kudos to you for telling that asshole what he’s probably never been told before!

10

Print out your OP, hand it to your BIL, and tell him if he wants an apology he can fold up your message until it’s all corners and shove it where it’ll do the most good. Him or dorko, doesn’t really matter. Wherever it’ll help.

And yes, by the classical definitions of etiquette, you were out of line trying to get dorko to clean up his act, but in this day and age it shouldn’t come as a world-view-shaking experience that some people don’t allow smoking in houses or around kids, or that it’s more important that kids get their naps than dorko gets to watch his game.

Oh, and hey: if it’s more important that he watch the game than that the kids watch the movie, maybe it’s more important that he stay HOME and watch the game rather than go to the party, since he abandoned the party anyway to go watch the game?

11

Sorry - the OP acted rudely. It’s not your house. You have no particular duty to police the conduct of guests, and when the owners of the house took a position, it was not on your side.

You have every right to leave if you’re uncomfortable. But that’s as far as it goes.

12

Maureen, I can see myself doing the exact same thing - I just don’t suffer fools gladly (and I’ve got a big mouth). And, I can see my sister acting like yours did - my BIL has some obnoxious friends, she’s always telling me horrid stories about them. She never calls them on the carpet, guess she’s just more polite than I am.
I wouldn’t worry too much about it, the BIL wants to talk, so I’m sure you’ll both clear the air and move on.

13

Pray define a “jock attitude.”

14

I agree with what you did Maureen. My family is very outspoken, as is my wife. She has said similar things to guests when they are disrespectful. And that is exactly what the guy was. Disrespectful. I would have said something very similar. The audacity, to bring a huge stogi into a room full of kids, turn off their movie and watch the game??? I surprised other dopers don’t feel you were in the right. So what if it wasn’t your house, the hostess and host were not doing anything about the jerk.

To quote Tommy Lee Jones from Lonesome Dove:

15

IME every family dynamic is different, and only the participants can say what is or is not acceptable behavior.

For example, I am certain that my wife’s sister values many of her friends far more than she values my wife.

Personally, I figure the best practice is to act the way you consider appropriate, and then just bear whatever grief comes your way. At least that way you have the satisfaction of doing what you feel was right. I’ve got enough experience with folks having grudges against me for perceived insults, etc.

So, yeah, no problem calling this jerk a jerk. But it should be no surprise to have someone else disagree with your opinion. Just think - would you feel worse today if you had said nothing?

If the BIL wants to talk, let him talk. But don’t make this a life or relationship changing deal.

You say the family is all outspoken. Just say you said what you meant. No big deal. The guest is a big boy. He can take care of himself.

Maybe this is personal preference, but I feel far more comfortable telling someone they are being a jerk, than demanding that they apologise to a 3d party. Maybe that’s just me.

16

Hey, all. Just got back from lunch w/my BIL. Here’s an update:

(paraphrased due to time constraints)

Daniel: Maureen, I’m a little worried about what happened. I just wanted to tell you, I didn’t find out what Chris (asshole) did til after you left. But I still think you should have let us handle it.

Maureen: You’re probably right. I probably should have. But you know me well enough by now, Dan, to know that I won’t put up with my little sis being disrespected. I know you think it’s’ you’re job…
D: I sure do. And I know you think it’s still your job, too. And yeah, Chris turns into a jerk when he’s had a few.
M: (Raised eyebrow) so, are we OK?
D: Yeah, I just wanted you to know I thought it got handled wrong all the way around.
M: I’m sorry. (((((Dan))))). And I’m sorry for calling you a doofus.
D: You didn’t call me a doofus.
M: Ah, yes, well…not that you know of. :smiley:
D:rolleyes: Don’t worry about it.
end of lunch
M: You’re not gonna still make me apologize to that guy, are you?
D: No. And I did that through Janet 'cause you and I were both too pissed off about it to talk nicely when it happened.

Really quite a smart man.

So. All is well, and my sister feels better, too. FTR, she’s probably the most reticent person in our family. Doesn’t put herself forward, never really had to. Had a big sis who was more than happy to do it for her. Which is not, on reflection, necessarily a good thing.

For clarification:
Gobear, my definition of a “jock” may not be the same as yours. Chris in my OP fits my definition of jock to a T. Thinks he’s the star in all aspects of life, just because he can hit a little ball and run. Forgets the fact that he is no longer in high school, and there’s a lot more to life than how good he is at sports. Treats his wife and just about every other woman like a maid/babysitter/cook/sperm repository, and thinks all women are waiting to fall at his feet. Generally believes he can act however he likes, and it’s okay, because he’s just such a softball stud. I don’t see you anywhere near that description, gobear.

17

Ah, thank you for the clarification. Methinks the gent is not so much a jock as a jerk.

And I’m glad things are patched up betwen you, the sis, and the BIL.

18

Sounds like a good ending to me, too - glad to hear it.

19

Yeah, but in all honesty, if it weren’t for y’all, I probably would still have been fuming by the time I got to lunch. So thanks for making me see that I messed up too, everybody.

20

So who picked up the lunch tab?