Let me preface this by saying that I neither plan nor desire to keep any kind of pet primate. My question is entirely hypothetical and, I hope, entertaining.
So let’s imagine that I’m minding my own business at home when I hear a knock. I open the door, and there’s a guy with a clipboard. “Can I help you?” I ask. “I’m here with your primate,” he replies. I don’t remember ordering a primate, so I press him for details. It seems that thanks to the Pointless Aggravation Act of 2012, selected American households - mine included - are required to choose a pet ape, monkey or other primate. “Pick any one you want. You’re welcome to climb on board the truck and look around. We’ve got all kinds.” I look past him and sure enough, there’s an enormous truck behind him bearing the legend “Apes ‘n’ More.”
We walk out to the truck and he helps me into the back; in Harry Potter-movie fashion, it’s much larger inside than outside, large enough, in fact, to hold one of every kind of primate found on earth. Every animal on the truck is healthy and well-adjusted (for its species). I am promised a lifetime supply of appropriate food, supplements, and medication for the one I select. I’ll also be provided with appropriate support should I have any other questions about my primate in the future.
I know that chimps make horrible pets. I can’t take the easy out and say “I’ll take a human,” because that’s illegal under state, federal and international law. Beyond that, I know nothing.
Which primate should I pick? I have a small house with a small yard in a nice neighborhood in a major city in the upper Midwest in the United States. Help me out. The guy with the clipboard is getting impatient.
Hmm. Those marmosets are cute, but I see that capuchins are supposed to be intelligent. On the other hand, I see that capuchins
Besides homo, has any other primate been successfully house-trained, i.e. trained to use a toilet, a litter box, or the outdoors reliably and consistently? I do have some nice furniture, after all, and the interior of the house was recently painted.
Monkeys make horrible pets. You can’t think of them as a pet, you have to think of them as an aggressive retarded kid who can climb and bite like hell, and will never be potty trained.
Forgot that I don’t have a choice. I’m liking the pygmy marmoset. More like owning a squrrel than a monkey. Only problem is they mostly eat tree sap. How the heck are you supposed to keep the bastards fed?
Although with the recurring lice problem at my daughter’s school, maybe I should go with the baboon.
Hm. My intuition — from a lifetime of news absorption, including unfortunate incidents in which persons are mauled by animals that should not be pets — is that with proper care a gorilla would be rather less likely to turn on you than, say, a chimp. Is this incorrect? Kind of difficult to Google this sort of thing, what with all the websites saying more or less “Do Not Have Primates As Pets You Moron”.
Having a pet motherfucking gorilla would be a good way for me to win back some of the masculinity I’ve allowed to seep away. But I suppose when a gorilla does turn on you, all bets are off … I like my chances against the pygmy.
I had forgotten that the aye-aye is a primate. Cute, in its own way. But its Wikipedia entry says that people in its native Madagascar claim that it can sneak into houses, set upon a sleeping occupant, and kill him/her with a jab of its elongated middle finger. What if they (the human occupants of Madagascar) are onto something?
I had forgotten that the aye-aye is a primate. Cute, in its own way. But its Wikipedia entry says that people in its native Madagascar claim that it can sneak into houses, set upon a sleeping occupant, and kill him/her with a jab of its elongated middle finger. What if they (the human occupants of Madagascar) are onto something?