Oh shit. The slow loris for sure. I know nothing else beyond that video, but I’m sold!
Yup, slow loris for me too, toxic bite or not. Keep tickling and your loris won’t bite! Simple, eh? That is one of my favorite videos ever.
Lemur866 would make a fine primate pet. Not sure about potty training though.
Having worked with both, I’d say one of the other marmosets- bigger than the pygmies, but still pretty small. Pygmy marmosets are generally really shy and would spend most of their time hiding behind things - even when they’re totally used to you, their natural behaviour is to be as inconspicuous as possible.
We had a baby common marmoset in the house for a while, had to hand-rear it as its parents abandoned it, and she would have been a pretty good pet (eventually went to someone else who had a boyfriend for her).
They are actually legal pets in the UK, though they are very sociable, so one by itself might be a bit miserable. Don’t smell too bad either.
So maybe if I can talk clipboard guy into giving me a pair of common marmosets, that’s my best option. Do I ask for two of the same sex, or one male and one female? How likely is it that a mixed-sex pair will breed in the atypical environment of my urban home? I’m too lazy to do the paperwork that the USDA requires for me to go into business as a dealer of excess monkeys.
My former grandfather-in-law Frank owned two pet South American spider monkeys named Penny and Pedro when he lived in Trinidad. Frank, a regular Dr. Doolittle, had been given the monkeys by a South American businessman who couldn’t keep them any longer. Penny and Pedro mostly lived outside, but did stay in for most of the rainy season. My ex mother-in-law remembered the pair as rambunctious but usually well-behaved, although Frank had to get rid of the curtains because they were using them as a trapeze. They never bothered humans, except for one frequent visitor to the house who didn’t like the pair. Pedro would sneak up behind him, climb up his pants legs, and bite him on the rear end.
Unfortunately there was a sad end for Penny and Pedro. Penny ate a poisonous insect one day and died. Pedro was inconsolable; shortly afterward, Frank and the family were reassigned back to Wales, and Frank had to donate Pedro to a local zoo. Shortly after that he heard that Pedro too had died.
The spider monkey stories Frank told were amusing but I know that I’m not a Dr. Doolittle, and I don’t live in Trinidad, so maybe not spider monkeys.
Okay. I’m going to run outside and try to get the delivery guy’s attention — I’ve decided that a gorilla is too much for me to handle. Sorry, Chancellor Kong, I’m sure you’ll find a loving home with somebody who lets you sit wherever you like.
I’m exchanging him for a Squirrel Monkey. Intelligent, adorable, affectionate, and there’s at least some precedence for them being successfully kept as pets. Their upper size limit is about 2.5 pounds, so not a whole lot of ow-you’re-tearing-my-face-off worries. I’ll be sure to choose a male, though; unlike usual animals kept as pets (rabbits being an interesting exception) females are more aggressive. And males don’t have any advantage in the dominance department — females have a pseudo-penis to, you know, assert themselves. Gloria Steinem would be proud.
You could always trade the offspring back to the agency administering the Pointless Aggravation Act of 2012. Maybe they’ll give you extra chow or build a habitat for them or something. In return, they have new primates to assign to others.
Pretty likely to breed, the parents of the one we had to handrear (she was their first, and they were still teenage delinquents) have gone on to have a further 23 babies, all of which they’ve reared themselves. 
But when the babies looks like this it’s hard to think of it as a problem.
My older sisters had a spider monkey when they were young (and I was very young!). Not a bad pet, though prone to bite when irritated. So… I guess not, IRT Spider Monkeys.
Maybe a lemur. Yes. A lemur. A Mouse Lemur!
I think you may be misunderstanding the underlying principles of the PAA.
How about a zog-zog? They’re cute, and small, and they sound nice. Not territorial, and they only have one baby at a time, so less dealing with those aggravating assholes at PAA Admin.
Uh huh, sure…
I work at a small zoo. We have four common squirrel monkeys which were surrendered to Animal Control by a private owner that was keeping them (illegally) as pets. Our zookeepers now work with them through protective contact - the keepers interact with them only through wire mesh, never entering the same enclosure, and shifting them from their daytime exhibit to their nighthouse (and vice versa) when access to the enclosure is required. This is the same precautions we take with our carnivores. They are just not friendly little creatures.
Plenty of insane people keep monkeys at pets.
Hey, that’s cute, and small, and probably nowhere near as intelligent as a spider monkey or a squirrel monkey. It would probably be pretty happy living in a cage, and there’s no way it could rip my face off (right?). I see it’s omnivorous with a taste for bugs, but I could get a dedicated fridge for mealworms.
Eek. Is this batch of squirrel monkeys unusually nasty (perhaps because the original owner didn’t know what the hell he or she was doing), or is this actually pretty standard for the species?
Pretty normal. Our keepers work with the lemurs and capuchins the same way.
Our male black capped capuchin just turned 37 last week. We believe he’s the oldest capuchin monkey in the US. He’s very healthy and doing well, but a bit bald 
Well, way I figure it, I can be beaten to a pulp by a gorilla, torn apart by a chimp, or raped by an orangutan (!!!) — at least if he mistook me for a female. I’m making the most of a bad situation, ya dig, I just want something small enough that I could hold my own when push comes to shove. (A pygmy wouldn’t be a fair fight).
Party Gorilla, assuming he’s not mythical.
Otherwise, an Aye-Aye, because just look at them. You can also use them to scare away people from Madagascar, if that ever becomes a problem.
I have long been fascinated by the lesser apes (Hylobatidae, the gibbons and their kin). I’m sure that “singing” brachiators are a bad choice for a house pet, but I might be tempted.
