“Did she pass peacefully?” Is this a question people want an honest answer to? Or are they looking to be reassured that it really happened like they hope it did?
The situation that has prompted this question is the death of my MIL this past week. Her passing was NOT peaceful. She died thrashing, clutching at her chest, struggling to breath until she finally gave out. My wife was with her and is haunted by this because while mother said while she wasn’t scared to die per se, she was scared that it would be painful and not peaceful. The hospice people assured her that as long as they stayed on top of her meds that didn’t have to happen. Her fuckwit of a personal doctor was not cooperative with hospice in preemptively prescribing medications however, so this did not happen.
My wife is now torturing herself with “what ifs?” of how she could have been more proactive in making sure the medications that they needed were there when they needed them. So when some well-meaning, or perhaps ghoulish person, asks “Was it peaceful?” it is like turning the knife just a little bit more. And my wife struggles with how to respond. She doesn’t want to lie but she doesn’t want to be blabbing about what was a private, personal experience.
Anyways, what do you all think? Of course, it is natural to be curious, but is it proper to ask? Do people really want the truth?
When someone dies, it’s often difficult to find the right thing to say. “Did she pass peacefully?” is a stock phrase that people can use. They are not expecting a truthful answer, and certainly not a vivid description of the actual details.
I think the best response your wife could give would be, “She’s at peace now.” She has absolutely no obligation to share anything more.
I hope she is comforted by the fact that no matter what your MIL went through in her final moments, and no matter what you believe about death, she is certainly not suffering now.
I think it’s a rude and very intrusive question to ask. Mainly because if the answer is “no” then it would bring up the painful feelings you mention.
My father did not “pass peacefully” and while I don’t recall anyone asking me that, it would have pissed me off and made me sad all over again. I also didn’t appreciate comments like “well, he’s in a better place now” but I tried to be gracious about accepting them. A lot of people are very uncomfortable with the idea of death and don’t always react appropriately.
My condolences. Hell no its not proper to ask. It might be proper to tell other folks thats how it went down (and maybe even saying so even if it did not go down that way if little white lies don’t peg your morally bad meter).
About a year ago I had someone very close to me pass away in the hospital after a long illness. Fortunately it was only bad towards the very end and only bad bad for a few days. That person actually DID go VERY peacefully. Many of the hospital staff were friends/aquantances/coworkers of the family present. Many of them told me that “going peacefully” was NOT the norm. So maybe you can take some very small solace that this wasn’t some rare tragedy as much as its just how things really are.
I’ve long thought American culture could do with a bit more “realism” about how people die. Heck we seem to even forget people actually DO die for that matter for pete’s sake.
Despite her bad passing, I’m sure your wife would feel touchy about anything asked so soon after her mother’s death. That’s just how people get. We all feel our experience with death is unique and no one else can possibly understand it. I felt that way when my grandmother passed. I wonder if the person who asked was elderly. Asking how someone passed seems be something I’ve only seen someone senior citizen age, and older, do.
I think it’s like when people who aren’t close friends or family ask how you are. Just asking to be polite. They don’t really “care” one way or the other. They don’t really think you’re going to answer negatively, even if it’s the truth.
If it comes up again I will ask, but she didn’t mention who was asking her. The visitation and funeral isn’t for another two days, so it may come up again. My MIL was 63 and I don’t think she had a lot of friends much older than her that could have been doing the asking.
Honestly, I don’t even think it’s a question. I would posit that 99% of the time, the speaker is trying to find something fitting to say in an awkward situation that hopefully expresses condolences without touching a raw nerve.
I’m sorry for your loss (which is also another stock phrase that can be taken as either meaningless, smoothing over an awkward conversation or genuinely felt).
I’ve never been present when someone died, but I’ve seen the bodies of a few relatives shortly after they passed away. Contorted positions and facial expressions are the norm, IM admittedly limited E. So just a bit more anecdotal evidence supporting what the hospital staff told you.
Well, my mother died on Tuesday (and I was with her and the one to give her her meds) and the fact that it was peaceful is the only thing that gives me any consolation. Caring for her in her last days and having to watch her decline and suffer breakthrough pain was traumatizing. So I can very easily imagine that if it hadn’t been peaceful, I would be intensely upset by that question and with the struggle to answer truthfully or not.
I feel terribly for your wife. Let her know that people mean well and probably aren’t aware that they’re crossing a line, but that’s a very intrusive question and they’re not owed the truth or any details. I like SpoilerVirgin’s suggestion of “She’s at peace now.” It’s true and it’s a statement that doesn’t encourage follow-up questions.
My wife did not pass peacefully, but I have not been asked. If I were, I would tell them the truth, though I would probably omit the details. Death from chronic illness is rarely a pretty sight. I am haunted by her final hours. The ICU doctors were brutes who should have stayed at their old jobs, which, judging by their bedside manner, were either prison guard or stockyard worker. If I find my self in that situation, I am resolved not to die in a hospital.
My best guess is that it was not peaceful based upon your description. Even when people supposedly die peacefully in their sleep, there must be minutes or seconds where the pain is intense and it feels like eternity, limbo or hell. You can’t go back. No use “crying over spilled milk.” Learn from the experience and not trust doctors or hospice. If you can possibly stay home and die, that may be the best way. I have had relatives do it both ways, but not the same relative. Those that died at home at least had the chance of dying peacefully. Those in the hospital were strung along and supported beyond all reasonable hope of surviving. It’s not a pretty sight and I still feel some guilt over not handling my relatives affairs differently. But you do what you can at the time. If you had helped someone stay at home and they had untreated pain there, you would feel the guilt of taking that direction. So just make the best decision for today and never look back.
My condolences, I am so sorry for your family’s loss.
I wish people would just stop asking stupid questions and just tell the bereaved that they send their sympathies.
A friend of mine was pregnant…someone walked right up to her and asked her, “Was this planned???”
People need to learn manners again…shall I go around hitting them atop the head with my hardcover copy of Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Etiquette???
Not every question is a matter for the offenderati.
Maybe they mean peaceful as in was she was at peace with her life, her relationships and her situation because she knew what was coming and had the time to prepare and do what needed to be done to achieve peace within herself.
No, they don’t want an honest answer. They want you to ease their minds. I don’t think they’re conscious of it and they’re not doing it to be cruel, but it’s selfish. It’s a a bad question because you’ve lost someone and they’re trying to get you to ease their minds. That’s not your job. My policy has always been that if you don’t want an honest answer, you shouldn’t ask the question in the first place. I would be very tempted to tell these people the unvarnished truth, but that might not be the nicest thing to do and you might not enjoy it. I’m very sorry for your loss.