I appreciated the opportunity to express and hear thoughts in another thread about how our society deals w/ end-of-life care. My MIL died last week while on hospice after a long decline. The last few days have been filled with preparations for the wake and funeral which will be held today and tomorrow.
I find this a fascinating experience, how our society deals with an individual after they died. Curious to consider whom the various activities are being done for. Are proceedings to do what the deceased wished? To create certain memories (accurate or not-so) about the deceased? To provide comfort for the immediate family? For an extended audience? To bolster the religious/burial industries?
SIL remains the frenetic control freak as expected. She’s grieving hard. Which is so foreign to us, as we had effectively said good-bye over the past years as the dementia progressed. SIL demands to be in control of everything, but presents herself as unable/unwilling to discuss anything until it is imminent, and then she wants to assign tasks to put out fires, while requesting confirmation of her choices. My wife has been handling it pretty well. Along the line SIL observed that if she had had her way, she would have done everything to keep MIL alive as long as possible. Which impresses me as immoral and cruel, but explains why she seemed to be at odds with hospice.
MIL is being given a full Lutheran wake and funeral. Which I think pretty wasteful and obnoxious. The near-beatification of this flawed normal human being is ridiculous. I understand the urge to present the deceased’s best face, but that doe not warrant airbrushing out every wart and flaw that comprised her life and made her who she was. And what could be more stupid than debating over whether the corpse should be wearing shoes, whether folk graveside should toss flowers or dirt on the coffin, r what type of sandwiches we should order for the wake?!
Our kids all stepped up and will be with us today and tomorrow. Today will be a long haul - 2-8 p.m. wake at the funeral home. There are SO many skeletons in this family’s closet - alcoholism and bigamy not necessarily the greatest among them - that is will be amazing if no nerves get rubbed raw throughout the process. Then tomorrow starts with the corpse lying in state at the church, a full service, trip to the grave site to watch interment, and a luncheon.
My goal is to do whatever I can to help my wife through this and otherwise keep my damned mouth shut as much as possible, and when things get tense to excuse myself to ostensibly run some errand, or spend time w/ my kids. Wish me luck!
Last night we shared THIS as a family, and watched Death at a Funeral. I think we’re ready!
If you REALLY want to help your wife, quit with the in depth analysis and assigning of blame. No one cares right now how wrong SIL really, really is about all things.
I meAn, I’m sure you’re right, of course. But no one needs to hear it, and you’re just a spectator to events. Focus only on putting a smile on your wife’s face, instead.
(I dare you to go 24 hrs without referring to SIN or discussing her wretched ways!)
I’m sorry you’re going through this and find both the details, rituals and SIL’s way so annoying and wrong. But it’s not worth raising your blood pressure over things you cannot change. Be present for your wife instead.
Yeah, well one reason I’m posting this is to express what I cannot say.
Believe me, I’m not looking for excuses to criticize or blame SIL or anyone else. But I’d conservatively estimate that my wife has gotten 100 texts/phone calls from her over the past 2 days. When she asks me my opinion/impression, I’m not about to say, “Well, I’ve got this wager w/ elbows…”
Really obvious, the distinction between how some folk are actually kind and helpful, and other people don’t realize they are exacerbating the stress. For example, people who call/text my wife asking for times and locations, when the damned obit was in the paper and is easily searchable on-line. That kind of thing.
I also have been discussing these things with my wife b/c these religious proceedings presenting a whitewashed image are anathema to our Humanist beliefs. Yesterday my wife took the opportunity to express some words at the UU church she attends, because she knew her beliefs would not be expressed through this elaborate, exhausting, and expensive circus. (I guess I should have expressed that my wife, kids, and I are all extremely strongly nontheistsic Humanists.)
And we are all pretty analytical. We feel that so many of our most strongly held beliefs are not represented or respected within our society And we value carefully attending to our experiences and surroundings to understand and learn from them. You only have so many opportunities to experience the passing of a parent/grandparent/in-law. While not denying our emotions, our preference/nature is to assess how we and others seem to experience and process.
I grew up in a pretty staunch Catholic family - at one point, my dad went in the seminary because as the only son, it was expected that he become a priest. Lucky for me, he left and joined the Marines instead… but I digress.
In recent years, I’ve been to several funerals, including the two days of viewings before and dining out after. That’s just the way it’s done, at least in our family, and fortunately, there were no skeletons or major scandals to render the eulogies inane. I know for some, the rituals were a comfort, because that’s the way it’s always been done and even in funerals, the routine seems to have its place. As a 30+ years lapsed Catholic, I found the Masses to be uncomfortable, but it wasn’t about me, was it, so I went thru the motions.
I’ve already let my husband and daughter know that I want whatever is left of me to be donated in the hopes that someone can learn something from my carcass. If my survivors want a ceremony, they can have at it. At that point, I really won’t care. I do need to find out what my husband wants done when he dies - he’s mentioned several different things over the years and I’m not sure if he’s even got a preference now. But kudos to those who make their desires clear before they die. No need to add to stress during a difficult time.
I don’t envy your dealings with your SIL, however they manifest themselves. It sounds like she’s doing what she has to do to grieve, and she expects the same from others. No need to get caught up in the drama tho, right? Be there for your wife and try not to let it all make you crazy. Life will go on.
Hey, maybe yo and I will be on adjoining slabs in a med school somewhere. Or fed into the chipper one after the other! As far as ceremonies, I prefer a party - with open bar, music, and - hopefully - laughter.
I think we really ought to film it all given the potential entertainment value. Last night, Wife #2 (remember - FIL was a bigamist?) called to ask what we thought of her adult kids coming to the wake to “show their support.” Yeah, that’s JUST what this sideshow needs! :smack: Too bad I no longer drink…
Slightly unrelated, but since the OP seems to be interested in this topic… there’s a fascinating documentary on what happens to the deceased when they’re homeless and/or have no known relatives
Funerals are for the living…and in lots of different ways. Your SIL is getting her gratification by being bossy and controlling. My advice is to let her: this is one of the few times in life she’ll have that kind of control. Indulge her in it.
The big fancy church funeral is for others: some will remember the departed. Others will bond with each other, under this reminder of how little time we all have left. Maybe some old feuds will be let go; maybe some old friendships will be renewed. Maybe one guy will stop smoking, and another will stop drinking. At least one elderly attendee will find something to complain about – “The floral arrangement was totally inappropriate!” – and, like your SIL, may be indulged in this expression of personal need.
I hope you find the comfort you want or need. I’m getting up in years, and going to more funerals. They just make me sad, but I try to focus on the bonding experience. It’s not a good excuse to see an old friend I hadn’t seen in ten years, but it’s a way of making lemonade from life’s lemons.
You sound like a reasonably other-focused person, i.e., able to help make the event the best it can be for others; you don’t seem to have huge, pressing demands or needs of your own. If I’m right in this (and I apologize if I’m misreading you) then you really can do a lot to make the event better for others. Comfort the grieving, calm the agitated, and be an ambassador, either for Christ, if you’re a believer, or for The Good, if you aren’t.
amaguri: I had an indigent roommate – an old friend on hard times – couldn’t pay rent, so I just let him stay for nothing. He passed away – terrible, terrible health problems.
No will, no power of attorney, nothing. I wanted to arrange a private cremation for him, but the law said no. The county took him, cremated and scattered at sea.
I think I could have gone to a judge and asked for control, given that he’d written a draft will – which he never signed (!) – putting me in charge of his estate. But, to be honest, I didn’t want that much hassle, so I let the county do their thing.
(I can’t even get a death certificate, which would be needful to access his bank account…which has a balance of around $4.00 so why bother? The poor bank has continued to mail monthly statements ever since, and will, they say, for the next eight years.)
Everybody: if you care at all for those you leave behind, get your legal affairs straightened out!
The funeral may not be the type of ritual the OP is comfortable with, but the OP isn’t the guest of honor either, I’m assuming the MIL was the Lutheran.
The OP does have the right idea with this statement. “My goal is to do whatever I can to help my wife through this and otherwise keep my damned mouth shut as much as possible, and when things get tense to excuse myself to ostensibly run some errand, or spend time w/ my kids. Wish me luck!”
I do wish you luck, and hope you and your wife find relief from your sorrow. It is good to have places like this to vent.
Forgot to mention, some time ago there was an article in our local paper about some young people at the local Catholic high school. They form a chapter of an organization called The Joseph of Arimathea Society. It’s named for the guy who donated space in a family tomb for Jesus.
These young people serve as pallbearers when requested, for deceased that have no kin or so few family member(perhaps all old) that there’s nobody else fit to serve.
My uncle’s funeral lasted three days. At the end of the second, as we left the funeral home, my father turned to me and said, “when I die, have me cremated, then tell everyone.”
Funerals are most definitely for the living. My atheist grandfather’s funeral had a pastor, who gave a sermon about faith the size of a mustard seed … for my grandmother’s sake. There’s nothing to do but grit one’s teeth and wonder if one is *absolutely *sure one won’t need one’s body anymore after one dies.
I do have the plans for my funeral on file at my church. When I completed them and handed them to the dean he said, with a sigh, “I wish more people did this” Get your plans down in writing people!
Well, that was way less painful than I had feared. MAin thing was just that it was so damned LONG! Was a really good opportunity to bond with our kids, as we got thru what was essentially a marathon. None of us is great at small talk…
But with the damned thing so long, we got beyond the small talk and just talked about whatever we wanted to. There were some of my nieces and nephews from far away - neat young people, and we enjoyed talking with them. My sister’s shop did the flowers, and they were beautiful. My daughter observed that you’d be having a pleasant conversation with someone, and then out of the corner of your eye you’d realize there was a dead body in the room with you. Wakes are so weird.
The one instance in which I failed to try to assist my wife was when my eldest daughter an dI went to see where she was. We found her in the coffee room, with some old goat insisting that she express her impression of Trump. In my wife’s words, “That was an impressive slink and scatter by you two!”
One more day to go!
Oh yeah - they did an impressive job making the old lady look something like a human being, but the body didn’t even resemble my MIL.
At one of the visitation sessions for my dad, my youngest sister, who was in her late 30s, got a little goofy, and it was infectious. Somehow it led to her saying she wanted to bury Dad wearing a shirt that read “I died and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!”
We didn’t share that with Mom, but Dad would have roared with laughter, so it wasn’t as inappropriate as it may seem.
That’s a great example of a real-life story about how humor defuses otherwise tragic moments in life. Had I been there I’m sure I would have cracked up too.
My grandmother insisted that she did not want a funeral, so when she died, she was quietly cremated and that was it. That was many years ago now, but I am still left with a feeling of something being missed. That there was nothing to mark her passing, and no chance for her many friends and family to come together and acknowledge and share our loss and grief. Instead, there was just nothing.
I suppose the only thing worse for me than a huge elaborate funeral, is the alternative “celebration of life” because its suddenly become wrong to be sad and grieving when someone dies.
I’d like what my friend did for her mother. Some food, some drinks, a lot of pictures, and a chance for all of us who were part of her life to share memories and to say goodbye.
When a friend passed away, all his community and friends got together for snacks, speeches, and memories. We set up a display of a bunch of his favorite things (he was a big role-playing-gamer, so there were tons of games and costumes and stuff.) In one room, there was a slide-show of photos of him, on a repeat cycle, so anyone could go and sit there, quietly, for a while.
Dignified. (He would have preferred it that way. Guy had immense dignity.)
Now, all that being said, I don’t want something like that for me. Just cremate and throw away. (Maybe a big scavenger party to divide up my stuff. I got lots of stuff.)
(If I’m in the hospital, I don’t want visitors. That isn’t the kind of occasion when I want to entertain others, just to be left alone in misery. How about a party when I get out?)
For some folks it’s just what’s expected. My own MIL was very concerned about what people would think. It was imperative to have a fancy expensive and elaborate process otherwise people would think you didn’t really love the deceased. Amount of money spent = Your feeling for the departed.
My own family is quite different and goes for immediate cremation at the lowest possible cost and have a remembrance event at some point. We generally request that in lieu of flowers that people make donations to the deceased’s favorite charity.
As far as ceremonies, I prefer a party - with open bar, music, and - hopefully - laughter.
