How often are you "hit" upon by the opposite sex, out of the blue?

[John DiFool]

Assume that we are talking about a stranger (yes of the opposite sex, so I'm not trying to parse what your actual orientation is and thus whether you would be interested or not), approaching you in a public place, and trying to either chat you up, and/or at least giving you "the look" pretty unambiguously, at close range.

NOTE: this is a two-part poll, with one vote, top half for the men, bottom half for the women. Please vote accordingly.

[Khadaji]

I think I might have been once in my life. Although even then I'm not really sure.

Once, years and years ago when I was hitch hiking to college, an older man turned around in order to give me a ride. He kept touching my thigh. It didn't occur to me until much later that he might have been hitting on me.

[MeanOldLady]

It's gone down tremendously since leaving LA. The men out there, I'm convinced, are entirely insane. It went from multiple times weekly to about a few times here and there a month. I must say, I prefer being left the hell alone while running errands.

[Rushgeekgirl]

It depends on how often I'm in a predominately male Hispanic location. For some reason they are all over me. I think they appreciate big girls.

[Dinaroozie]

Ah FFS, I apologise for my inability to read. For some reason I thought this was same sex, not opposite sex. Subtract one "Male: Never" and add one "Male: A handful of times total".

[Kasper1014]

At least once a week. It used to annoy me....but I just smile and say Thanks.

If they pursue it....then I can pull out the "I'm married and have a million kids card". Lol.

I actually met one of my friends like this. I was flying back home from a conference and this younger guy tried to hit on me, even changed seats to sit by me. After be got the hint I wasn't interested...we actually started talking and are now friends. His now girlfriend can't believe how we are friends. Lol

[grama]

Never that im aware of

[Khadaji]

Originally Posted by Dinaroozie

Ah FFS, I apologise for my inability to read. For some reason I thought this was same sex, not opposite sex. Subtract one "Male: Never" and add one "Male: A handful of times total".

Ha! Clearly I cannot read either!

[Taomist]

Originally Posted by Dinaroozie

Ah FFS, I apologise for my inability to read. For some reason I thought this was same sex, not opposite sex. Subtract one "Male: Never" and add one "Male: A handful of times total".

Same!

>.<

So change from 'A few times a decade' to um...not much lately! I don't dress up, in an area where women dress up before getting in the shower I swear. So I don't attract the locals

[Foggy]

Gay guy here - Never.

Although there were two women who offered to help "fix" me.

[Sunspace]

I think it happened once at a party, and once while I was waiting for a streetcar, but otherwise, it was never common, and has only gotten rarer.

[chiroptera]

Hasn't happened much since I passed my late-40s, darn it. Gray hair and obvious middle-aged-ness is a flirt killer.
But before that, a regular occurence. One a week or more when I was younger. Enough so it was annoying.

[2ManyTacos]

Definitely a few times when I was still in high school.

Since then? I haven't noticed any forms of flirtation at all; I wouldn't rule out that it has indeed happened, though. I'm not really the best at picking up those sorts of cues, and women aren't exactly obvious in the ways in which they flirt.

The bigger question is: At what point is the girl no longer just being friendly but actually being genuinely flirtatious?

[panache45]

Originally Posted by Foggy

Gay guy here - Never.

Although there were two women who offered to help "fix" me.

This. Everyone knows I'm gay, so there'd be no reason, other than trying to "fix" me. That happened a few times back in college, not recently.

[eleanorigby]

I picked a few times a month or some such. It's much less now that I'm in my 40s. I think I just have one of those approachable faces. It's not something I find I miss.

[Shagnasty]

I put down a few times but the only reason I know that is from what happened afterwards. Even then I wasn't quite sure until they explained what they had done. I honestly don't know what hitting on someone is other than asking them directly for sex or at least a slow dance. I think that is a common problem for men. Those of us who treat women well in general can't distinguish between someone offering to take you to breakfast sometime or a hint that breakfast would be after a night at your place.

Ladies, you have to be extremely blunt to the large percentage of the men that aren't players and even then, it only has a 50-50 shot of sinking in. The real players and scumbags ruin it for us all but you have to differentiate. A small percentage of men are doing 90% of the market cold calling. The rest of us have to live with the stereotype but without the same strategies at all.

I liked it when I lived in New Orleans and hung out some notable older gay men. I am not gay in the least but they would pay for everything and let you know very explicitly how fuckworthy you were on a given night. If females could capture even 5% of that, we might have something.

[Jaledin]

I picked once a month, as an average -- there are times when I'm busy and don't really hang out much at all.

Also, I'm honestly not sure who's the hitter and the hittee most of the time -- conversations just kind of happen and there's often a good bit of flirting or the topic turns to sexual nature. Not interested in starting anything ever at this point in time, so I don't usually pay attention except enjoy having some good conversation. Maybe fifty/fifty I start a conversation vs. have it started on me, but I have a lot of conversations when I'm out and about, so call it once a month to be safe.

In short, I don't know or care what hitting on really is, apart from mildly flirtatious conversation. ETA deleted anecdote, sounded like stealth bragging, which is not my intention.

[Indygrrl]

I'd say it happens a couple 2-3 times a week on average, usually at the grocery store, gas station, really anywhere that I'm getting out of my car. I can't say I really love it, but I prefer it to the alternative, as long as the guy isn't rude about it.

Speaking of rude, a few weeks ago I was at the grocery store and as I walked in a guy standing there with his friend kinda said hi to me, so I nodded and walked on. As I walked past them, I heard the guy loudly say something like, "Oh yeah, that's kinda thick, I like that nice ass," or something to that effect. That shit pisses me off like nothing else and I whipped right around and gave that asshole a piece of my mind. I just couldn't get over the fact that he was talking about me like I couldn't even hear him....within earshot, and eyeballing me like a piece of meat. Honestly, the nerve of some people. It makes me mad all over again to even type it out.

Luckily, that sort of thing doesn't happen very often.

[Loach]

I put never but now that I think about that's not really true. But in general the women who have been attracted to me weren't the kind that hit on guys for some reason. I'm 44 by the way. I think women in a lower age bracket are more forward.

[Jaledin]

Originally Posted by Indygrrl

As I walked past them, I heard the guy loudly say something like, "Oh yeah, that's kinda thick, I like that nice ass," or something to that effect. That shit pisses me off like nothing else and I whipped right around and gave that asshole a piece of my mind.

Those douches sound like they need a fresh douche with drain cleaner, but are you really pissed? I can't tell if you're just slightly pissed off or genuinely angry.

[rogerbox]

Originally Posted by Indygrrl

That shit pisses me off like nothing else and I whipped right around and gave that asshole a piece of my mind. I just couldn't get over the fact that he was talking about me like I couldn't even hear him....within earshot, and eyeballing me like a piece of meat. Honestly, the nerve of some people. It makes me mad all over again to even type it out.

Luckily, that sort of thing doesn't happen very often.

I'm sure it did suck to YOU, but as a guy who has never, ever, ever even once been remotely "objectified" by a woman like that, I can't muster too much sympathy.

It would be nice to be treated like a piece of meat a few times per year.

edit: Meaning, by a stranger and not someone in a relationship. Also I remember one time when working at Trader Joe's an older lady told me she was so " bad" and she could slap me and I could slap her back, or words along those lines. She was definitely treating me like a younger piece of meat which was cool, but it was weird and awkward because she was not at all hot (and I LIKE older women/MILF types). It would have been awesome if a more attractive woman had said it though.

[Robot Arm]

Originally Posted by rogerbox

It would be nice to be treated like a piece of meat a few times per year.

Or at least once before I die.

[jz78817]

has never happened.

[Indygrrl]

Originally Posted by rogerbox

I'm sure it did suck to YOU, but as a guy who has never, ever, ever even once been remotely "objectified" by a woman like that, I can't muster too much sympathy.

Trust me when I say it's not as great as it sounds. Of course, as a guy it's pretty unlikely you're going to come across this in anything remotely like what women deal with. When guys catcall or walk behind you and talk loud enough for you to hear, they aren't doing it to give you a compliment. It's actually aggressive, and meant to make you uncomfortable and throw you off guard. And when you don't acknowledge the jackasses they get offended, call you a bitch, say something like, "Oh, you're too good to talk to me?" etc. I learned a long time ago how to handle myself with assholes like that, but it catches a lot of women off guard, and their embarassment and awkward or unsure reaction just plays right into what these guys are all about.

It probably sounds like I'm exaggerating, but I promise you I'm actually understating it. It's a bizarre world for women, and being attractive is very much a double edged sword.

[rogerbox]

Sorry, by my previous post I definitely gave the wrong impression. I totally understand that for most women, it is probably annoying 9 times out of 10 to be hit on. Either because you find the guy completely unattractive, or because the approach is catcalling or whatever gross way like the guys in the store.

And if the choices were "Be hit on by ugmo or people saying crude things 9 times a month with one nice time a month" and my situation "Maybe once a year and almost never be by any girl who is remotely attractive" (my situation), I would still choose my current situation.

Thinking right now, at a concert while I was playing with a friend's cute young kids (the most effective girl magnet known to mankind), an attractive girl was overtly flirting with me asking me which t-shirt she should buy...this and one other instance are the only time that come to mind my entire post-pubescent life where an even decent looking female overtly hit on me.

That being said I wish more women had more sympathy for the 90% of guys who are rarely if ever hit on and have to do ALL of the work to get a woman or else be alone your entire life.

[JRDelirious]

As Shagnasty mentioned, this poll's choices leave out in the cold those of us who suffer from Signal Obliviousness Disorder. Seeing someone give me "the look"? What look? There's a look? When were they going to tell me?

[Indygrrl]

Originally Posted by rogerbox

That being said I wish more women had more sympathy for the 90% of guys who are rarely if ever hit on and have to do ALL of the work to get a woman or else be alone your entire life.

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?

In my single days, I rarely made the first move or overtly hit on a guy. I flirted, and used body language to get a guy's attention, but I didn't typically use any pick up lines or shit like that. However, once a guy I was interested in initiated, it was on and the rest fells into place. So beyond that first move on his part, I don't think the "work" is that one-sided.

[rogerbox]

I'm 26. The "first move" is the one that takes the courage. After you've already been hit on, the other party already expressed interest so you have nothing to be embarrassed about by expressing interest back. It doesn't count as "hitting on" someone who has already expressed interest in you, it's just flirting back at that point.

All the risk is in the first move because you don't know whether you will get rejected or not.

Also it speaks volumes about the "work" required that a guy who does not initiate will almost assuredly die alone, and a girl that never initiates ever will almost assuredly not.

edited again: The above sounds a bit more bitter than I meant it to. I am in a good relationship already, but I think it would be better for both sexes if women initiated more often. If I have a son I will encourage him to have the courage to approach girls, if only to guarantee he will be able to pass on my genetic lineage.

[Jaledin]

Originally Posted by rogerbox

I'm 26. The "first move" is the one that takes the courage. After you've already been hit on, the other party already expressed interest so you have nothing to be embarrassed about by expressing interest back.

I guess I see your point -- it seems to me, though, that if you are talking with a woman, and she's got a choice of places to be or other people to talk with at that very moment, that's already a pretty strong statement there. From there, yeah, it does seem most women really aren't going to say, "Let's you and me go do something." Probably seems kind of mannish, I guess. But if the conversation is already going, at that point it doesn't really matter who drops in a little invite, from the practical goal of "getting romance" or whatever.

I'm not seeing how a real leap of courage is needed -- just basically giving a crap about going through the whole "Is she going to want breakfast?" "Is she going to bring a bunch of her fugly friends along as buffers?" "Is it worth the trouble when I can just go home, jerk off, and do some laundry instead of going out to someplace potentially objectionable?" I confess I don't give a shit at this point, so maybe my perspective is skewed, but the alpha and omega is really just being comfortable talking about whatever with this person, if she's a hottie, or just a cool person from whom one can learn more about the perspective of at least a few women in whatever particular scene you find yourself.

It's a good gift from you to find opportunities for your son to be comfortable speaking with women in general, without ulterior motives -- I'm guessing the lack of basic ability to relate and feel compassion is at the core of those whole pick-up artist things and such, which is too bad for them, because not interacting with half the population casually and with a genuine affection which transcends all the sexual stuff seems a very limiting way to live one's life.

[Quartz]

I've never noticed anyone hitting on me.

[Der Trihs]

Never happened to my knowledge.

[Ibanez]

Women are so subtle about it. I'm sure sometimes I didn't even pick up on it. So I went with A handful of times total (since puberty) .

I notice a couple of men here voted once a week , really ?

[sparky!]

I voted never.

But, having thought more about it, I recall once having a very tall and well built black man state that I had a nice ass. Not really sure what was going on, I thanked him, while in my head something like this rolled around: "why yes, it is a great ass."

He was with a woman, so I think I just shrugged it off (I was filling shelves for work at the time).

[saje]

It happens a lot less now that I'm at the 1/2 century mark :/

I've always had long, long hair and that seems to be a guy magnet. Up until a few years ago I was also pretty lean (like 5'6" and 125 lbs) and am pretty fit and athletic. In my 20s to 40s I's get hit on once every couple of months, now it might be once a year... ah well.

[Maiira]

I said "once a year or so," but I figure that's sort of an average. When my hair was shoulder length, I'd get shit yelled out of cars. But now that it's about an inch long? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. And I love it.

[missinformation]

Never happens to me...men take one look at me and run away screaming

[Antinor01]

Not that often. Maybe every couple of months. Most of them can tell I'm gay and wouldn't be interested.

My boyfriend gets checked out a lot more than I do.

[Infovore]

A few times in college, but it was mostly because I was one of the few female members of a club that was primarily male. I made a lot of good male friends through a combination of the fact that I was clueless that they *were* actually hitting on me, and blundering into a way to gently deflect them once I did. I much preferred being "one of the guys." I did end up marrying one of them, though, and we're still together 22 years later.

I don't get hit on now and that doesn't bother me. Not really into that anyway.

[SciFiSam]

Once a month or so. I don't really go to that many places where being hit on is likely, but it happens basically whenever I go to a pub or social event where not everyone knows I'm gay.

The last couple of times I've gone to a busy pub, I've had a truly bizarre number of men making passes at me - far more than, say, five years ago. A couple of months ago, I ended up with three beers at once, two bought for me by random men that I hadn't even been talking to at all. I look OK, but I'm not stunningly gorgeous; maybe men see me as atractive enough to hit on but also ordinary enough that they might be in with a chance.

Workmen (at my house) almost always make serious passes at me - apparently I have sexy furniture - and then there's the occasional random guy on the street making comments, if that counts. One recentish one was funny: while I out walking the dog, a boy young enough to be my son looked me up and down and said 'sexy bitch,' then, trying to be witty, added 'and your dog's not bad either.' Dude, you just said you're attracted to my dog.

[MichaelEmouse]

Originally Posted by Indygrrl

I learned a long time ago how to handle myself with assholes like that, but it catches a lot of women off guard, and their embarassment and awkward or unsure reaction just plays right into what these guys are all about.

.

How do you handle yourself with assholes like that?

[rhubarbarin]

I don't consider someone giving me 'the look' as being 'hit on'. You have to talk to someone to really hit on them IMO. Not that you can't express interest very clearly with eye contact (it's the quickest easiest way actually).

Anyway I'm a woman and I get clear expressions of interest multiple times weekly ('the look', catcalls, guys trying to make conversation). I'm in my mid-20s and cute.

[rogerbox]

Originally Posted by Jaledin

I guess I see your point -- it seems to me, though, that if you are talking with a woman, and she's got a choice of places to be or other people to talk with at that very moment, that's already a pretty strong statement there.

No, it isn't. Plenty of women are willing to have a pleasant smalltalk convo with a stranger that they don't want to date. Unless you overtly express interest in pursuing further "not walking away" is absolutely not an expression of "I am interested in a date with you at a later time." Also the smalltalk pre-hitting on does not take any courage, escalating to hitting on does.

From there, yeah, it does seem most women really aren't going to say, "Let's you and me go do something." Probably seems kind of mannish, I guess. But if the conversation is already going, at that point it doesn't really matter who drops in a little invite, from the practical goal of "getting romance" or whatever.

Yes it DOES matter who drops in the little invite. The one who drops the little invite is the one who is risking "Sorry I have a boyfriend/girlfriend" and then awkwardness and rejection, or an even less polite rejection.

I'm not seeing how a real leap of courage is needed

Really? You don't see how "I am interested in you are you interested in me back?" when the potential response is "NO" takes courage? Have you ever been rejected by someone you thought you had a good rapport with? It's a sucky feeling. I'm old enough and have developed thick enough skin now that if it was a girl I didn't know that well I wouldn't care at all unless she was intentionally rude about it, but if it was a girl I knew well and really liked, it would STILL take a lot of courage and STILL suck really bad to be rejected.

It's a good gift from you to find opportunities for your son to be comfortable speaking with women in general, without ulterior motives -- I'm guessing the lack of basic ability to relate and feel compassion is at the core of those whole pick-up artist things and such, which is too bad for them, because not interacting with half the population casually and with a genuine affection which transcends all the sexual stuff seems a very limiting way to live one's life.

I used the word "hit on" as in, decent male human beings approaching ladies to see about a date, not those pick up artist manipulative scumbags, that is a whole different ballgame.

IMO It's genuine confidence in yourself+respect for women as just another human being that makes it easier to talk to women, when I did not have those things it was nearly impossible to do so. But still I empathize with guys more than women since they are the ones taking all the risk in starting relationships. Also even if a girl agrees to dates, in American culture he is probably committing a few hundred dollars of his own money to even find out if they are compatible to become a couple.

There is NO WAY if we erased our dating culture and started from square one, that the "straight man team" would design the system this way. It is a remnant/artifact of when women were property and could not make their own money, it is not a system beneficial to modern men in any way. The only reason women defend the system now is because they don't have to take emotional risk and they get free shit.

[Shagnasty]

Originally Posted by SciFiSam

One recentish one was funny: while I out walking the dog, a boy young enough to be my son looked me up and down and said 'sexy bitch,' then, trying to be witty, added 'and your dog's not bad either.' Dude, you just said you're attracted to my dog.

Tat one cracked me up. I might try a toned down version of it sometime.

[even sven]

Originally Posted by rogerbox

I used the word "hit on" as in, decent male human beings approaching ladies to see about a date, not those pick up artist manipulative scumbags, that is a whole different ballgame.

IMO It's genuine confidence in yourself+respect for women as just another human being that makes it easier to talk to women, when I did not have those things it was nearly impossible to do so. But still I empathize with guys more than women since they are the ones taking all the risk in starting relationships. Also even if a girl agrees to dates, in American culture he is probably committing a few hundred dollars of his own money to even find out if they are compatible to become a couple.

There is NO WAY if we erased our dating culture and started from square one, that the "straight man team" would design the system this way. It is a remnant/artifact of when women were property and could not make their own money, it is not a system beneficial to modern men in any way. The only reason women defend the system now is because they don't have to take emotional risk and they get free shit.

It only takes a lot of courage if you are already socially awkward. For most people, asking someone out is not some great huge emotional investment. Mostly, you figure either they say "yes" and you'll hopefully have a good time, or they will say "no" and you will move on to someone else...no emotional breakdown necessary.

This isn't some arbitrary test. Girls like guys who can read their emotional signals....people who can read you are funner to be around, less likely to be crazy stalkers, more likely to work through disagreements and the like well, and just plain better parters. Women don't want emotionally damaged or extremely awkward men, and actively select against them. I'd venture for the most part, men have the same selectivity.

[Napier]

I don't know what the frequency is yet. I'm only 54. I guess the best estimate would be "less than 0.02 times per year".

[rogerbox]

Originally Posted by even sven

It only takes a lot of courage if you are already socially awkward.

I think that's a pretty idiotic thing to say. People can be very sociable and fun to be around, and have problems approaching girls. One of my best friends is very good looking, has a great laugh, but he cannot get up the courage to ask a girl out. He is not in any way "socially awkward" other than he has a hard time approaching girls, so he has to be asked out by girls or else he does not ever date.

Even though he is VERY good looking, and very fun to be around/popular, he only hooks up with a girl every other year or so because of his nervousness about approaching girls.

[even sven]

Originally Posted by rogerbox

I think that's a pretty idiotic thing to say. People can be very sociable and fun to be around, and have problems approaching girls. One of my best friends is very good looking, has a great laugh, but he cannot get up the courage to ask a girl out. He is not in any way "socially awkward" other than he has a hard time approaching girls, so he has to be asked out by girls or else he does not ever date.

Even though he is VERY good looking, and very fun to be around/popular, he only hooks up with a girl every other year or so because of his nervousness about approaching girls.

He may be fun to be around as one of the guys, but I'd imagine someone that awkward with girls isn't actually that fun for girls to hang out with. I want someone who can make me laugh, challenge me, and keep me interested. You can't do that if you are too awkward with women to look me in the eye or take a tiny risk.

[chiroptera]

Originally Posted by rogerbox

I think that's a pretty idiotic thing to say. People can be very sociable and fun to be around, and have problems approaching girls. One of my best friends is very good looking, has a great laugh, but he cannot get up the courage to ask a girl out. He is not in any way "socially awkward" other than he has a hard time approaching girls, so he has to be asked out by girls or else he does not ever date.

Even though he is VERY good looking, and very fun to be around/popular, he only hooks up with a girl every other year or so because of his nervousness about approaching girls.

Does he see them as "girls" or as women?

And, what even sven said. If he's so undone my the notion that "girls" are scary and alien, then his interactions with them are perhaps strained and uncomfortable, not confident or relaxed. Which is a turn-off, for sure.

[MichaelEmouse]

Originally Posted by even sven

It only takes a lot of courage if you are already socially awkward. For most people, asking someone out is not some great huge emotional investment. Mostly, you figure either they say "yes" and you'll hopefully have a good time, or they will say "no" and you will move on to someone else...no emotional breakdown necessary.

This isn't some arbitrary test. Girls like guys who can read their emotional signals....people who can read you are funner to be around, less likely to be crazy stalkers, more likely to work through disagreements and the like well, and just plain better parters. Women don't want emotionally damaged or extremely awkward men, and actively select against them. I'd venture for the most part, men have the same selectivity.

Note that roger never said "huge emotional investment" or "emotional breakdown".

You say "most people". Are you sure you're not projecting your personality on most people?

You say that most people "figure either they say "yes" and you'll hopefully have a good time, or they will say "no" and you will move on to someone else". Since most people includes women, is this the way most women go about things? Do most women freely ask men out? Some do, that's undeniable. But your statement is stronger than that, you talk about "most people".

As for reading emotional signals. If people around you were giving you emotional signals but you didn't pick up on them, how would you know that you missed them? They would have sent the emotional signal, you would have missed it and therefore never even realized it was there to be read. Hence you would think you're great at reading emotional signals, because everytime you see someone send one, you see it!

[Try2B Comprehensive]

I said once a week or more because when a woman flirts with you, she is basically advertising that she is available for a bf. I wouldn't strictly categorize it as "hitting on", but flirty stuff basically says the same thing. But it has to be just for fun, I have a gf and play by the rules.

I'm not especially pretty, more big and strong. It is more a "quantity has its own quality" thing instead of a superman story. I am purposefully physical for health and wellness and all that, but really it is an accident that I fit into some women's idea of a 'type'. I don't really live up to the hype either. My gf and I are nerds frankly.