I’m a male, happily married for the last 24 years, who enjoys alone time from time to time. So I can go to a coffee shop, restaurant, or bar with a book and relax for an hour or two. And no one bugs me.
But culturally, we males (particularly if single) have a “right” (and I’m using this loosely), or there’s an expectation that we can ask a woman out. This could range from completely benign to quite obnoxious, or even criminal depending on the approach and circumstances etc. In situations shown in some romantic movies, TV shows and commercials, this can entail behaviour that would IRL be considered to be harrassment.
So, women, how bad is it? Even having 10 nice guys benignly hitting on you in a day must be annoying (if that happens). Is it a constant pain or is it just part of the background noise?
For me (and do realize this varies enormously between women) it’s mostly background noise. I don’t get it very often (less now than when I was younger) and most men who do make inquiries/invitations are polite about it, usually low key i.e. “So, are you free?”, “How about we go out for a cup of coffee?”, etc. Again, the vast majority are usually quite polite when I declare myself happily married and not interested in that particular sort of relationship.
I do occasionally encounter epic assholes, but such encounters are commonly years apart.
Most frequent negative comment I get is my lack of wedding ring being somehow deceptive or a form of fraud. Since based on what I’ve observed most of those same jerks will also hit on women with wedding rings I fail to see how that really makes any sort of real distinction.
It has been such a constant pain that I’ve become so accustomed to it, that by now, it’s just background noise. “Oh, this again?”
Just yesterday, I was at the drugstore getting a prescription filled. Dude walks up behind me and asks if I run. I look up from my phone, “Huh? Oh, uh… no.” He turns and walks away and without looking, I toss over my shoulder “Only if I’m being chased by grizzly bears.” Which he didn’t hear, so he walked back for repetition. By this time, I’ve taken a good look at him and decided he’s sketch, but I encouraged conversation, so now I’ve got to be polite and go with it. I repeat my silly punchline and ask why he asked. “Oh, um, I was just uh, looking at you, and uh, you seem kinda athletic, so I was wondering if you run.” I smiled, said, “Nope. I don’t run.” And then he politely excused himself.
That was pretty benign. He was polite and not remotely obnoxious. It generally does not bother me to be approached by strange men, as long as they keep their manners about them. If they get pushy after a polite rejection, or downright scary and violent – that’s what I object to, but that is quite rare generally speaking. I don’t attend a lot of drunken frat parties so I think the circles you run in (setting in general) have a lot to do with the obnoxious factor. I also don’t use public transportation very much and that seems like open season on random women there, which, come to think of it, may be one of the reasons I rarely use public transportation.
I’m male and I get hit on by women not too infrequently, when I’m shopping or sitting in a café alone. I don’t wear a wedding band, but I don’t think that’s it. I think I just have a friendly face.
I personally find it amusing, for one, I don’t mind chatting with strangers. I normally try to bring the topic of my wife into the discussion, where upon it becomes just a friendly conversation.
Some are really friendly, some are outright threatening. There is just a huge range of behaviors.
Some people don’t mind them, and may even be willing to strike up a conversation with them. Other people really can’t stand them, and are really bothered. I think most people just wish they’d go away.
Some setting you’d expect it-- nobody expects to go to People’s Park and not see panhandlers. Some setting are threatening. You don’t want to be confronted alone in a dark alley, for example. And in some settings it’s just annoying.
Huge number of factors, and every situation is a bit different. It’s never particularly flattering, though. People who hit on strangers tend not to be particularly selective, and their comments are less “you are exceptionally attractive” and more “you look like you probably have a vagina.”
So, men (friendly or threatening or otherwise) who don’t happen to have a girlfriend at the moment and would like to acquire one, are now equated to pan-handlers.
Oh, it’s a matter of degree. If I’m eating lunch by myself, reading a book, this means I’m eating by myself and reading a book. It doesn’t mean I’m lonely and would like someone to join me, ask what I’m reading, sit down beside me, etc. Maybe for some people it does…but I doubt it.
It is no great loss, though. I was a really bad girlfriend. So to all those guys–you didn’t really want to know me, and you probably dodged a bullet. Except one of you. Heh.
No. I’m talking exclusively about men (and women) who initiate uninvited advances with complete strangers in everyday settings that are not geared toward dating (as in, at the supermarket rather than the singles bar.)
Want a date? It’s never been easier. Hop on OKCupid or hit up the local meat market or chat up your single friends. Plenty of options besides trolling strangers just trying to go about their lives.
Having reached the age of invisibility (I’m 47), I currently consider men in service jobs who ignore me a much worse PITA than men flirting.
Men trying to flirt irl have rarely been a pain - note that I differentiate between “dude trying to flirt” and “pig”. The first may be more or less graceful accepting the response (whatever it happens to be), but in any case accepts it; the second has no interest in the woman’s opinion, just in making her uncomfortable.
Wow, 10 a day would be pretty intense! At 56 I don’t have to worry about it at all, but even in my prime, when I was sort of “normal cute,” I can’t imagine that much attention.
I think blondes have it worse, though. I’m a brunette and although it is difficult to estimate in retrospect, I think maybe 2-3 times/week random guys trying to hit on me sounds about right.
However, my blonde cousin who is the same age as I am came to visit me one week while I was a college student and we went to a couple of frat parties together. Let me tell you, it was a revelation - the guys wouldn’t leave her alone! They practically kicked each other out of the way trying to be first in line to ask her to dance or start a conversation with her.
She was pretty, but not THAT amazing. Except for her dazzling reddish-blonde hair.
I know it sounds insincere, but after seeing what life was like for her, I thanked my lucky stars that I didn’t have blonde hair.
Because the situations you described all suck. OKCupid is full of women who made bad choices in their lives. Singles bars seem to have people more interested in sex than relationships. And not everyone has a huge number of friends, and only a handful will try to set you up with people.
I also think it may be that whole thing where some American city cultures think it’s wrong to talk to strangers in public. In places where you can, it’s fairly easy to gauge interest without being any more annoying than anyone other stranger who will talk to you.
Also, I’ll simply point out that, if there are both men and women who do it, that means there are men and women who think it’s what you are supposed to do. Just because you or your friends don’t doesn’t mean you are the ones that are the social norm.
Multiple women, over and over again: “Getting hit on by strangers in public is annoying.”
A few men: “No it’s not. And hey, we gotta get laid somehow!”
When I was young and single and in college, and spending lots of time in coffee houses and stuff, I’d say that I got randomly hit on in one day out of four. It took all kinds of forms. Catcalls when I crossed the street. Compliments in the elevator. Stopping me on the sidewalk to “ask directions” and taking it back to the coffeehouse. Asking me to “join him” at his table. Asking me to decamp to a different coffeehouse, away from my friends, so he could quiz me on my relationship with male family members and propose marriage . . .