Need colonoscopy jokes!!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Going in for #4 (tried to work in a #2 joke here but couldn’t think of anything cute) in a few weeks. Gonna be doing this semi-regularlike from here on out (sigh).

So I’ve decided to try to come in with a new joke every time.

Last time it was the tale of the little old lady who has an appointment with a proctologist, who does his exam, then has a consult with her. Finishes up with “Do you have any questions for me, Mrs. Smith?”. She looks at him scoldingly and says “Yes. Does your MOTHER know what you’re doing?”.

I thought about having little cards printed up with places for punchouts / rubber stamps, that say “Have 12 and the next one is free!” and bringing it in with a few of the spots marked, and asking them to stamp it for me. Dunno if I’ll have time for that though. If I do… should I leave a few squirreled away in the waiting room?

C’mon, give me some more ideas!

2

You could go wearing this tee shirt.

3

I can think of a place where you could hide the punch card for the doc to find.

4

Whatever you come up with, don’t you think your colonoscopist has heard them all before?

5

Ask them if they can find the piece of Lego you swallowed when you were a kid.

Or something about hamsters.

6

I had a friend who had his birthday shortly after seeing the colorectal specialist. I gave him a birthday card similar to this and he got a big laugh out of it.

Maybe you could go in while playing this song on your phone?

7

An even better song on the subject.

8

Or this one.

9

There’s the one about the proctologist who grabbed his thermometer to write a prescription… he said, “damn some asshole has my pen.”

10

How’s your Billy Connolly impersonation?

11

“Can you back that out a little? It’s irritating my tonsils.”

12

There’s the one from The Office:

Three guys are talking about how they bought their cars to reflect their careers.

One says, “I’m a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort.”

One says, “I’m a herpetologist, so I drive a Dodge Viper.”

The third guy says, “I got you both beat. I’m a proctologist, and I drive a brown Probe.”

13

The end of Bill Engvall’s story about his colonoscopy:

“Hey! I better not see this on YouTube!”

14

Refer to the colonoscopy prep protocol as “terms of enrearment”.

15

“Can you please write a note to my wife stating that my head is, in fact, NOT up there?” <-- only works for guys.

16

I was kind of awake, i.e. high as a kite during mine and I watched the screen for the first part of it. “Whoa, was that Jimmy Hoffa?! Alert the media!”

BIG laughs from the doc and the gas passer.

17

When they tell you to “lie on your left side”, respond:

Oh, no, I only lie on my right side. I tell the truth on my left side.

(courtesy of my brother-in-law)

18

Dave Barry came up with one, about the prep rather than the procedure itself:

“You’re going to want to have seat belts installed on the toilet. Think of the Space Shuttle liftoff.”

19

Colonoscopy humor from Bernie Siegel, MD.

This reminds me of the ancient thread where we put the word “anal” in front of various car model names. Hilarity ensued.

20

Not colonoscopy specific but did you hear about the proctologist & psychiatrist who opened a practice together?

Called it “Odds & Ends”