An Alfred Hitchcock Star Wars

Cafe Society
1

What would that have been like?

The following is a mix of several parts of the Star Wars Saga…
Perhaps an opening scene showing the murder of Uncle Owen with a Sith controlled rope.

We would see Han running from Jabba in the desert with a tie fighter chasing him.

Luke would be laid up from his injuries and will grow more and more suspicious of the droid in the next ship over, convinced he saw something horrible happen in the middle of his “night.”

Padme would transform herself into a facsimile of Anakin’s memories of Amadala, but would lose balance while climbing up a Gungan watch tower, falling to her untimely death.

Lando’s dead body would cause a comedic commotion, as Chewie, R2, and C3PO try to figure out what to do with him.

Try it! It’s fun!

2

Darth Vader would wear red instead of black, and the princess would freak out whenever she saw the color.

A group of rebels will escape from their dying ship in a lifeboat, with one who might be an empire sympathizer.

3

Leia would have been a blonde. Hitchcock would have done a cameo as Jabba the Hut. Something about birds too, but I’m not a big enough fan to work that out.

4

I wonder what the Mel Brooks parody of it would be like?

5

:cool: Awesome

6

The movie would not be about Luke, it would be about a guy named Fred who has NOT Jedi powers, but who lives in the moisture farm down the road from Uncle Owen. Storm troopers led by Darth Quantum would be searching for the son of Skywalker., but would go to the wrong farm by mistake, destroy Fred’s family (while he was away searching for a lost droid.) They would NOT know that they had made an error, but would start searching for Fred across the galaxy. He would go to the rebels to ask for help, but all the newscasts ([del]Fox News[/del] controlled by the Empire, of course) would have portrayed Fred as the one who killed his own family, so the rebels would be after him too. During his flight, he’d meet a beautiful blonde who DOES have some Jedi powers, who seems to be a spy for the Empire but is really a rebel double-agent. The climactic chase scene would be atop the most iconic building on Coruscant (perhaps the Jedi Council Building), with Darth Quantum falling from the top, Fred trying to save him by holding his cape but the cape tears and Darth Quantum falls to his death. Fred would marry the blonde.

Music by Bernard Hermann and titles by Saul Bass.

7

This is fun!

Okay, let’s see…a young woman working for the rebels is tempted to sell out to the Empire to have enough money to marry her fiance. While en route to the Empire’s headquarters, she is sidetracked and ends up taking shelter at a small hostel on Tatooine run by an unassuming young man named Luke Skywalker. The only other apparent presence there is an ominous dark shadow in the window of the Skywalker residence. Luke explains that his father is incapacitated due to injuries incurred on the planet Mustafar. The young woman overhears an argument between father and son, the pleading of young Luke alternating with the deep, angry voice and strident breathing of his father as the older man berates Luke for his interest in this foolish young Rebel girl.

Over dinner in the hostel’s office, the two talk. Luke is obviously cowed by his father, and trapped in this life on Tatooine, but seems a likable young man. The young Rebel woman senses a kindred spirit in him, feeling trapped in her own circumstances. After a conversation with him, she decides not to go through with her plan to sell out to the Empire and to return to the Rebel base with no one else the wiser. She returns to her room and steps into the shower.

And then…an ominous, heavy-breathing figure is glimpsed through the shower curtain…and strings shriek on the soundtrack as a black-armored hand yanks the curtain aside…

The woman screams as a lightsaber is ignited…

8

Wow.

My little one liners pale by comparison to these last two posts.

9

Both Luke and Vader (being related) have vertigo. Everytime they are fighting near a reactor chasm they freeze up, get wide-eyed and we get a dolly-out/zoom-in shot of the chasm.

10

Right after Luke lost his hand, a vision would appear of, say, Aunt Beru? Yoda? Anyway, the person would point out how easy it would be to just let go…

Also, at some point, Leia would say, “Last night I dreamt I went to the Death Star again…”

11

Leia is an unassuming, apparently mousy young woman working as a paid companion to a rich but vulgar woman named Amadala. She meets a handsome but reserved man, even richer than Amadala, named Han Solo. He is taken with her, wins her over quickly, marries her and takes her away to live on his private moon.

Everything about this private moon is strange. The cook is a lop-eared loon named Jar-Jar. But the main person running the household is an old fellow named Obi-Wan, but she has to call him Mr. Kenobi.

Leia finds out that Han Solo came to her as a widower, and that his previous wife was a wild and crazy girl named Padme, who died under mysterious circumstances. Mr. Kenobi was devoted to the memory of Padme, her old room was a shrine to her memory. He seems amicable, but he keeps giving her bad advice about how to act with her handsome but remote husband, leading to anxiety and mis-trust.

One day when Han is away, a young smarmy fortune-hunter type comes to call; he used to be very “close” to Padme before she died; now he tries to get “close” to Leia. His name is Luke Skywalker. He hints at scandal in Padme’s death that would reflect badly on Han. He’s also very much an old pal of Mr. Kenobi, calling him “Ken-boy”.

Because of Luke’s machinations, Han is arrested and tried for the murder of his former wife. His lawyer, Mr. Vader, has some serious injuries from an earlier accident, so he has various prosthetics that he wears, including something to help him speak. But he is a very effective lawyer, and seems to have the power almost to hypnotize the jury to do what he wants. The bony-faced judge was a real toff named Tarkin.

When Han is acquitted, Luke sends Mr. Kenobi an ESP message of what happened. Tormented with grief and mad with rage, Mr. Kenobi sets off the moon’s self-destruct button, and over the course of the next 3 hours the moon is gradually destroyed. Everyone else gets out using escape pods except Mr. Kenobi. Han and Leia return just in time to see him die. Luke is arrested for attempted blackmail, and Mr. Vader refuses to defend him. Han is happier away from his moon, as it turns out, which was called Death Star. Kind of a grim name for a place to live, is what Leia thought.
Roddy

12

Wow!

13

Remember in the first Death Star (in what used to be STAR WARS but is now STAR WARS IV), there was a little tiny mouse-like droid that scampered about, presumably cleaning?

Well, on a remote asteroid, suddenly and for no apparent reason, these cute little droids start gathering together and attacking people…

14

That would be Spaceballs.

15

The scene where R2D2 is captured by the Ja-Wa’s and taken aboard their scavenger vessel? As he wanders through it, passing by odd looking droids, he would glide past a particular droid - humanoid in appearance, but with a wide girth, sloping chin and a lower lip jutting out, standing motionless in profile. Due tp a broken voicebox, the portly droid would repeated a slightly garbled “Good EEEV-uh-neeng!” (in a deep bass voice with a pronounced British accent) greeting over and over again. This droid would only be a cameo appearance however, prominently onscreen for a brief second as R2 passes it by. He won’t be seen ever again.

16

Which Hitchcock movie was this parodied from?

17

Rebecca. My post was inspired by the last line of the previous post.
Roddy

18

Good one, Roderick, but maybe since Amidala and Padme are the same person Mon Mothma should be Leia’s former employer.

19

I just couldn’t think of any other female names except Aunt Beru. There aren’t many women in those movies. Being not a big fan, I don’t even know who Mon Mothma is.
Roddy