Ok, so there’s this girl I’ve had a crush on for a long time. I want to contact her but I know it’s not a good idea. Logically, I tell myself “she probably doesn’t feel the same way as you. She probably has a boyfriend. This message is pathetic and there’s no chance it will work. It will probably freak her out and she just might call the cops.” But emotionally, I tell myself “Give it a try. It’s not hurting anything and it just might work. You’ll be kicking yourself for not giving it a try.”
Here’s the email I dreamed up:
“Hey I know this is out of the blue but sometimes I think about you and I was wondering if you ever think of me too? I feel like you’ve given me like a thousand chances and I’ve blown it every time. But, I’m really not such an idiot all the time. I just always really liked you and I think you know that. Anyways, if you ever wanna talk again feel free to give me a ring or text or something. If not, don’t worry I’ll drop it. Theres just a lot of things i wish i wouldve told you and had to get this off my chest.”
Or at least make it sound less desperate. And “nice guy” self-deprecating/self-defeating. I suggest: “Hi. How have you been?” Then take it from there by the response (or lack of one).
And no info: from college ten years ago, someone you last saw a year ago…?
I’m a lot less confident in “hi. How have you been?” garnering any response. Given our history, I would have to be a little more forthcoming.
To answer your question, I probably ran into her 6 months ago. We talked for a little but then she stopped responding after a couple of dumb moves on my part.
If you think even a friendly email that has no romantic implications is going to get answered, then it’s a pretty good shot that she might not feel the same about you. I mean, do you guys talk at all? I’m guessing not, since you don’t even know if she’s seeing someone. If I was in her situation and some guy from my past randomly sent me a ‘confession’ letter, I’d be a bit weirded out.
I’ve said it in other threads and I’ll say it here. Don’t send the letter. Writing it is a good idea, to get it out of your system, but do not send it.
Picture her and her girlfriends reading this and tell me if it makes you cringe a little. I don’t say that to belittle your feelings – they’re valid, but they don’t need to be told to this person in this way.
If you feel like you need to make contact, make it something friendly and noncommital.
Hmmmn. I don’t think anyone can give you good advice without knowing what " . . . a couple of dumb moves on my part" entailed. Most likely answer: Don’t. And in any case, not with that wording.
The only really useful note to send would be more along the lines of “Would you like to have coffeee with me next weekend?” Something forthright and actionable, which would then give you the opportunity to work through in person whatever the heck this is. Which I still don’t know, so take my comments with a heaping teaspoon of salt.
Do it only if you’re willing to go all or nothing, and being able to live with it if it’s “nothing”. Otherwise, why not just say you’ve been thinking about her and wonder if she’d like to see you?
Ohhh, noooo, do not send. I felt awkward reading it, and it’s not even for me. If you’re really and truly compelled to say something, make it a simple request for coffee, a la TruCelt’s suggestion.
God, I can’t tell you how many times as a teenager I wrote something like that. But I can tell you how many times writing something like that worked for me: zero. The only times I ever got in relationships were when I stopped caring about whether I was getting in a relationship.
Failure’s guaranteed, dude. You’ve already tried with her, and you failed. Find someone new to fail with.
If you’re compelled to send something, cut it down to this -
“Hey I know this is out of the blue but sometimes I think about you.
Anyways, if you ever wanna talk again feel free to give me a ring or text or something.”
So what exactly does this mean? “I feel like you’ve given me like a thousand chances and I’ve blown it every time” Care to clarify?
Don’t send it. Not only does it sound awkward/needy/self-depreciating, but if I ever got this in my message box, I’d be pissed. That’s a lot of heavy stuff for her to consider and it’s definitely not the type of thing you should send in a message, especially considering that it sounds like you two have a history as well. At most I would say “Hey, how are you? Do you have a chance to meet up and talk?” and tell her face to face. If you really like her and want to build something with her, at least respect her that much to not do it through messaging.
It means that over the years she’s told me to call her, we talked for a short while but never actually got anywhere relationship-wise. But, every time I would see her she would tell me to call her and give me another chance. It was weird how i would run into her like every year or so. Basically, I blew it by just not being very charming. Nothing overtly mean but nothing worth sticking around for.
That’s part of the reason I’d like to contact her. I’d like to show her that I’m not so insecure all the time.
I get that the answer is “no.” That ship has sailed. But why is it no? I mean I’m trying to be real but not overly-aggressive. It’s just a simple message.
I think I just have a general desire to find someone to love. I’ve had a tendency to get a little obsessed over girls. So when it doesn’t work out it sort of manifests itself in ways such as this.
If there were a character on a sitcom, and the writers wanted to demonstrate how insecure he was, this line would be perfect.
Here’s the thing: if you really were secure, you wouldn’t care about whether she thought you were insecure. YOU’RE INSECURE.
It’s needy and clingy and creepy. If she were interested in you, she would have let you know.
Dude, I hear you. I used to be you. Notice how it tends not to work out for you? That’s how it was for me.
It seems counterintuitive, but the best way to find someone to love is to quit worrying about finding someone to love. When you worry about it, you’ll come across as intensely unpleasant.
I saw a super-bad version of this once, a guy who bummed a ride off a group of us in college, and in the back seat started declaring his love for a friend of mine that he’d just met. It was wayyyy too early in their acquaintance for him to say anything about love, and she was thoroughly creeped out.
If you’re interested in someone, take it light. She’ll know you’re interested in her, and she’ll ask herself whether she’s interested in you. If she doesn’t let you know that she is, she probably isn’t. Move on.
It sounds to me like she was just being friendly. And being friendly =/= a ‘chance’, relation-ship wise. I’ve seen it happen a lot with friends in the past. Just because a girl’s nice to you or even wants to hang out with you is not a guarantee that she’s totally into you.
I can tell it’s exactly what you’re thinking and would love to say, but it just gives off a desperate vibration, and in my opinion, makes you seem unconfident and weak. Perhaps you do feel like that but it might be better if you project an image of strength and confidence. I agree with a previous poster, ask her out for coffee.
I knew a girl that used to do that, say “text me” or something similar. It didn’t mean “I’m interested in you if you simply say the right things.” When a girl is interested it is obvious; this isn’t the movies where somebody just needs to realize how you feel about them.
