What makes people think I want to know that stuff?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Since high school women IRL have just loved to tell me their troubles, saying I was “such a good listener.” At first I liked the attention and was listening for chinks in their love for their boyfriends that I could exploit, because I am much less deep than they thought. As I aged, married, had a family, etc, I stopped caring about exploitation and would sit there nodding my head wisely and smiling and frowning as seemed appropriate based on her tone of voice, all the while silently screaming, “Why are you telling me this? What makes you think I care? I have to go to the bathroom, but you won’t stop talking!”

The latest was an old friend we hadn’t seen for a few years asked to friend me on Facebook. Fine; I’ve known her since she was 17, always liked her, she looks like Julia Roberts’ much prettier sister with Bernadette Peters’ body, and, frankly, I’m getting bored with being the anti-social troll I have become and sorta missed her.

I’ve known her now-ex-husband every bit as long. Never thought he liked me, and because I prefer the company of people who don’t hate me, I disliked him a bit. Which is unusual, because there are very few people I don’t like. She left him and married her high-school sweetheart, which I knew from her Christmas card.

Anyway, after we friended she sent me a song explaining why she left her first husband. In X-rated detail. While I have always enjoyed a cheerfully-dirty mind in a woman, especially a beautiful one, I know this guy and don’t want to know this stuff. I asked my wife why women feel a need to overshare with me and she asked, “What had you said to her about the divorce.”

“All I said was that I was sorry to hear about it.”

“You said far too much. All you should say in any situation is a non-commital ‘Oh.’ You should have learned this in AA.”

So, all I wanted to do was be polite, but did I take it too far? What should I have done? If I were to tattoo “I don’t care” on my forehead would it help? How have you dealt with people who share icky things, like feelings and life histories?

2

Just change the subject.

3

I have a friend who is the master of keeping it simple. He feels cornered in a conversation he does one of three things, talks over the person about himself, or, takes out his phone and thumbs through facebook while the person is talking until he finds something completely off topic and then shows it to the person and laughs, lol…what balls… and lastly he will say no way and then simply walks away

4

Eventually in a conversation like that, I would’ve been “Haha wow, uh, okay, I really didn’t need to hear that about your Ex…”. That usually solves the problem. Also, interjecting with anecdotes of your own tells them that the conversation isn’t just them, and gives you an opening for another topic.

I’ve got the same problem as you with the genders reversed. I personally know the masturbation habits, bathroom habits, and sex habits of all the men I’ve befriended, with ex stories to boot. They simply tell me that I’m “one of the guys” and “you’re a good listener”. I find it kind of funny how it always happens, so I usually don’t delve into the “Uhhhh ok” response unless it’s really skeezy or they’ve been talking for more than 20-30 minutes. Fascinating learning what makes people tick.

5

Yeah, that can be a guilty pleasure. Or it could be, if I didn’t have the attention span of a gnat. My tattoo should say, “Honest, I like you, but as I smile and nod and look like I’m listening be aware that I am ADD and lost track of the conversation about two minutes in and you sound like the teacher on a Peanuts special,” except I still have my hair so the print would be too small. But yeah, sometimes I manage to hold it together long enough to wonder, “Do people really think like that?”

6

Still, the question in the title has not been answered. Do some people just have an air of “I’m genuinely interested in the events in your life,” or “Talk to me. I’ll be cool?” Because I don’t know how I started exuding that vibe.

7

I think that pretty much sums it up. You emit a “Friendzone Aura”, but since you’re married, and not looking to hook up, it’s below your radar. Do they ever use the phrase “a guy just like you” in their conversation?

8

No, though there were times I wish they had. But this happened more BEFORE I got married. Maybe they thought I was gay because I didn’t attempt to take advantage of our closeness. But with the topic of the OP, there were times I almost went for it, and I thought she was interested, too. But that was 30 years ago. The friendship cooled a lot because we were married, I didn’t much like being around her husband, and I didn’t want to look like an idiot. The recent event got me thinking about her, but there’s still marriages and looking like an idiot to hold me back. And being far too lazy to follow through on anything.

9

All kinds of levels to your question.
They perceive you as safe,
There is no sexual chemistry so you are just one of the girls.
Even though you appear interested but are not, you are good at appearances.
you know how to communicate at different levels, eye contact, body position, distance. Next time only give them 12 inches of space instead of 18 and see what happens.
In the interest of integrity and honesty you come across genuine and authentic.
you display compassion and empathy.
there is no sexual energy, did I say that already?
You do not enjoy putting people off so you take one for the team instead of confronting them
you lack emotional boundaries.

I am curious though, were you successful exploiting the apparent closeness that came about during the discussion with some of the gals?

10

I don’t think you know me.

Oh, you DO know me.

Interesting idea, but that’s a recent development. Prior to my stint in AA I was sealed up tight enough to store hydrogen. All I was was a rotund emotional boundary. I even used my weight as a buffer, to reduce my “attractiveness.” I’m not sure if it worked, or my Friar drop personality shown through. (I thought I was a born Jesuit, not a Cistercian.)

No. Too shy to try. And I usually knew the boyfriend, so that would be tacky. And likely to get me beat up. One event that bowled me over, though, was when, at a work party, I sat talking to the wife of one of our salesmen. She was a nerdy blonde with angular features and glasses–one of my “types.” He was tall, handsome, athletic, and egotistical–you can guess that I had never liked him. She and I, well, mostly she, talked about networking computers for nearly an hour. Every time he walked past he gave us a nasty look. I ate it up, amazed that the little, ol’ fat man, me, had made Mr God’s Gift to Women jealous.

At work on Monday I chose to play stupid and twist the knife, so I said, “I want to apologize for monopolizing your wife the other night. By the look on your face you weren’t pleased, but she was having such a nice time talking about her job that I couldn’t break away.”

“I wasn’t mad. I was sickened that anybody could stand listening to her for an hour.”

A right charmer, he was, but though I’m usually unaware of my surroundings, I know the difference between Mr Yuck and Mr Mad, and his expression was Mr Mad. And did I mention he was having an affair with a friend of mine? Yes, I heard all about THAT, too. :rolleyes:

11

If you want to break out of the friendzone, well, women love sincerity. Once you learn how to fake that, you’re in like Flint. Or Flynn. :wink:

12

even in this cold and detached forum void of body language you come across as engaged and interested. Got a couple things I would like to get off my chest if you have a second :smiley:

having been overweight I understand the space put between you and others. That space though can be perceived as a safe zone by your talkative female acquaintances and or friends. Its often easier to talk someone else about them than to them about you. But that is the trade off for protecting yourself against the world, one way intimacy if you get my drift.
Did some of those conversations take place while imbibing? and was the other party imbibing as well? As they say in AA and OA. Alcoholics drink so they can do life, overeaters eat so they don’t have to.

13

I used to sit and listen. Thanks to tech I now look at my cellphone and say, “Gotta take this” as I walk away.

ETA: hope that addresses the OP, I just skimmed.

14

I am not looking to break out of the friendzone, but I guess I’ve got faking sincerity down.

Always do for a stranger! (Wife says, “Face it: You’re a sucker and I’m always surprised you don’t bring home stray people.”) But wait, you aren’t a woman, are you? I need to know if I have to put up my Dead Sexiness Shields. :wink:

One reason I think I get along so well with women of Sub-Saharan-African Heritage is that I’m rarely attracted to Black women, nor they to me. My shields drop and I can just have fun. I’ll flirt (I’m a terrible flirt when I let myself), they’ll flirt, and we just have fun because we know nothing will come of it.

Not for sixteen months and two days! :slight_smile:

Not always. Often not.

Yeah, this life without a net sucks, so I’m eating again.

I didn’t intend this thread to be all about me. I thought I had a story you people might find entertaining that I can’t really talk about IRL, but I hoped that more people would bring their own stories of being involuntary counselors. It’s not even a topic I can bring up at AA, because we are ALL supposed to be counselors. Instead I have made all of you involuntary counselors.

And speaking of AA (this thread keeps reminding me of things), I stopped going because I got sick of listening to people talk about drinking, but miss it because of a woman I met early on. Tall, slender, the age of my eldest daughter, looks like Karen Gillan/Amy Pond. She adopted me at one of my first meetings and she’s told me–not the club, but me–about lots of things I probably don’t need to know, like how and why her marriage is on the rocks. I was smitten from day one, but even if I were single the Rule of Sevens says that it won’t be an age-appropriate arrangement until I’m 75. (Yes, I wrote a spreadsheet for it. Why do you ask?) It got so bad that once when we hugged (hello or goodbye? can’t remember) I whispered in her ear, “I sometimes wish I were fifteen years younger.”

“So do I,” she said.

Yeah, its meaning is imprecise, but I’m egotistical and went with the “This does not help,” interpretation, so it’s all for the best that I stay away. A girl like that could drive a boy to drink.

Thanks for being my shrinks, folks. You’re a lot more helpful than my real one.

15

A wise move. I do go on, but I try to include enough sex or violence to keep folks interested.

16

This is an intriguing thread. I actually usually like to hear that stuff, but this has me wondering why some of us do and some of us don’t.

17

Perhaps in certain circumstances you are available at the right time as well as seeming empathetic.

Apropos nothing much at all, I’m a taxi driver and you wouldn’t believe how much really personal information some people will share with a total stranger.

18

Actually, that’s totally apropos! What do you think makes them want to talk to you? I can imagine going somewhere is often a tense time with deeply personal reasons and events around it, and you are a captive audience who knows none of the same people and whom they will never see again. You seem to be empathetic because because you have to be–they are basically paying you to listen. Do people give better tips if you seem to be a good listener, or worse because you seem to have become a friend and people are cheaper with their friends than with strangers?

19

For me, I like it because I love to hear dirt and don’t pass it along. I don’t like it because it is usually attractive women, though I’m fairly broad-minded when defining “attractive,” and I see all of these possible openings to exploit, but I don’t want to exploit them for reasons above. Plus, they may not have been left consciously, like stoplight suggests, they think I’m a eunuch, and I don’t want to be a jerk. It’s hard to be a jerk after an hour making sympathetic noises when hearing what a jerk their boyfriends are.

20

I have a bubbly personalty so I tend to make people very comfortable. There are people who do give off a certain vibe of" hey, I’m a nice person to talk too" The problem is that people will abuse my “sweet personality” and tell me things I DO NOT WANT to hear about them or tell me personal things in middle of a trivial conversation. Once at work, I was talking to a coworker and out of nowhere she told me how she never rebelled since she felt pressured to be the “good kid” in her family and how she felt appreciated by her parents. This was all in middle of a conversation about how cold it was outside.
Another time a classmate told me horrible things that happened like her miscarriage, her abusive mother etc. She told me all of this only after our 5th conversation and it was out of the blue.
I use moments like these to measure how stable as person is since people like that will see you as their sole support system or often have bigger issue going on. This happened to me once and I had to cut all ties with the person. Hence I tend to kept my distance. As a result I have my bitch face and tend to come off snarky . It’s not when people get to know me they see my personality.