Gather 'round football fans, for a thread not about contenders, also-rans, or any type of qualiity football, but a thread about losing. Hopefully a thread about the lowest of nadirs, the dregs of incompetence, the perfection of failure: going completely winless in a 16 game NFL season.
We hit the jackpot a few years ago when the Detroit Lions became their city’s quintessential avatar on the gridiron and lost 16 games in a row and joined the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in the depths of shame. Can any team buckle down, fight through the mirage of hope and join them in history?
It’s hard not to win even a single game, so we’ll use this thread to celebrate any team that has the courage to lose consistently, and ultimately win for losing by selecting the most expensive new toy in next year’s draft. (There’s no guarantee it will be S. Carolina’s defensive lineman Jadeveon Clowney, but he’s the odds-on favorite.)
The teams you can pick against every week in survival pick’em and do well:
Oakland Raiders
Jacksonville Jaguars
New York Jets
Buffalo Bills
I doubt any of these teams goes over 5 wins, if they even manage that. Jacksonville has the most experienced QB of the bunch, and a returning ProBowl RB. The Bills have a semblance of playmakers sprinkled in with the reserves they call “starters.” The Jets are the Jets. Oakland has no there there.
I think things could seriously implode for the Jets, with Ryan being fired before the year is even up, but Oakland is the team I get direct coverage for, and so I’ll pick them to squeeze out three wins, come close a few times, but ultimately not be able to overcome a severe roster turnover year to achieve anything even resembling mediocrity.
I protest the Bills inclusion here, and not just because of yesterday’s test of the Patriots. They are pretty talented and I think Manuel will be competent as a rookie, a rich man’s Josh Freeman.
The Jags lost Gabbert and even when he heals he may not get the job back, not because Henne is any good but because Gabbert is a trainwreck.
Pryor was surprising in Indy, not impressive mind you, but gives Oakland a puncher’s chance. If he can learn to throw and read defenses he might become a lower-middle class man’s RG3.
How the fuck did the Jets pull out a win? Damn Tampa.
It’s time to add the Steelers to this list. They won’t go 0-16, but they will be lucky to win 5 games. I’d take the under on that. Wow, they suck. Warms the heart, it does.
The Vikings are a ADP injury away from 0-16 and probably will be lucky to get to 7-9 even with him.
Respect the boldness, but I can’t buy that. Their division is shakey at best, even with a RG3 injury Cousins is steady enough to keep them in most games and Shanahan is a twat, but I don’t think he’ll ever have a total trainwreck of a team.
My team to watch will be the Chargers, most people think they will slip but I think there’s a real chance they crater. Matthews gets hurt, Rivers throws a million picks, the defense is a sieve and they rest of the division turns out to be really good.
I don’t think there’s any team this year that’s that bad. The Jaguars are going to suck very hard and the Raiders may already be writing this year off so they can find out what they have in Pryor, but I’m not seeing a team that bad.
Seconded. They had a horrible rash of injuries in the preseason, but Manuel seems to be fine and if they could go 6-10 with Chan Gailey and Ryan Fitzpatrick, they’re in no danger of going winless next year. And it doesn’t hurt that they’ll have two games against the Jets and one each against the Jaguars and Browns.
I think the OP lists the most likely contenders, in the proper order, but I’ll throw out a dark horse…Dallas. They barely beat the Giants with 6 turnovers, and no decent RB on the roster. Their defense gave up a lot of yards and points, even with all the turnovers, and their offense didn’t really impress.
Dallas and the Giants were both terrible Sunday night, but Dallas did win. So they can’t go 0-16. The Jaguars had the most embarrassing loss, didn’t they? They scored 2 points, Jones-Drew couldn’t do anything, Gabbert was bad and got hurt- I’m not sure if that injury is good news or bad. Weeden threw three picks for the Browns.
Going into week two, here are our remaining contestants. I just want to make sure some of these “illustrious” franchises get reminded of their place, such as the Packers, the Giants, and every AFC North team. We’ll start sorting them later, usually by point differential or turnover margin, but sometimes by division or penultimate letter of the head coach’ middle name.
Buffalo Bills
Cincinatti Bengals
Pittsburgh Steelers
Baltimore Ravens
Cleveland Browns
Jacksonville Jaguars
San Diego Chargers
Oakland Raiders
Washington Redskins
New York Giants
Green Bay Packers
Minnesota Vikings
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Carolina Panthers
Atlanta Falcons
Arizona Cardinals
I don’t think my Bucs have what it takes to go 0-16, but I’m confident that they’ll be contenders for worst record in the NFL once again. If there’s two things the Bucs have shown over the last 35 years, it’s a total disdain for excellence and a flair for consistency.
I doubt any team will reach this lofty peak this season. If anyone does, my money goes to whoever loses the Jacksonville v. Oakland game. The rest of the 0-1 teams at least showed enough spark and talent to guarentee at least one win and, in most cases, more.
A few surprises. Oakland leads the league in rushing and sacks. They’ll lose to the good teams, but should eke out a few more wins against the bad ones (until injuries come to starters). Meanwhile, the Steelers as a team have fewer rushing yards than Alex Smith, while the Jaguars are less dangerous than a declawed house cat.
Heree are the still-useless collections of bad players wearing the same outfits, presented in the style of Edward Gorey:
The Cleveland Browns, who couldn’t get an extra set of downs.
The Pittsburgh Stealers, who brought their running game to faith healers.
The Washington Redskins, who drafted saltpeter but wound up with pins.
The Minnesota Vikings, who couldn’t float with water wings.
The Carolina Panthers, who are so feeble they’re getting hit on by Smithers.
The Tampa Bay Bucaneers, whose crys for mercey fell on deaf ears.
The New York Giants, with enough turnovers to start a hundred stalled Plymouth Reliants.
The Jacksonville Jaguars, whose performances are more offensive than GWAR’s.
I apologize for any strained rhymes or obscure references. They can’t be any worse than these teams.
I dunno, those Jags look completely incompetent, down to a man. Then again, Bridgewater might be more useful than Clowney, so 1 or 2 is good in the draft.