"Bend Over for the Trojan" - The 0-16 NFL Season Thread (2017 ed.)

Step right down, folks, for our semi-regular thread celebrating football failure. What miserable, fiasco of a team will join the '76 Bucs and '08 Lions in that Pantheon of Paucity known as the winless NFL season? Any given Sunday, my ass!
Who will earn the undisputed right select USC quarterback Sam Darnold and then ruin his professional career?

After two weeks of NFL “action,” we have nine contenders. Each week we’ll use a new stat to rank the rankest of odorous squads.
Here they are ranked by defensive yards allowed per game:

New Orleans Saints - 512.5 Yds/gm (32.5 Pts/gm)
New York Jets - 409.0 Yds/gm (33.0 Pts/gm)
Indianapolis Colts - 381.0 Yds/gm (31.0 Pts/gm)
Chicago Bears - 341.5 Yds/gm (26.0 Pts/gm)
[del]San Diego[/del] Los Angeles Chargers - 328.5 Yds/gm (21.5 Pts/gm)
New York Giants - 324.5 Yds/gm (21.5 Pts/gm)
Cleveland Browns - 313.5 Yds/gm (22.5 Pts/gm)
San Francisco 49ers - 299.5 Yds/gm (17.5 Pts/gm)
Cincinnati Bengals - 267.0 Yds/gm (16.5 Pts/gm)

We’ll get to useless, offensive offenses next week. The Browns and Colts play each other next week; unless they play to a tie (not unlikely), we’ll lose one of them.

To truly suck at the level of the aforementioned total losers, they must absolutely want it. Give up huge plays, commit killer penalties, be wildly incompetent at the basics, even lose good players to injury, and luck out to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Who can actually achieve immortality!?

If by some miracle all these teams eventually win a game, we’ll just have to settle for celebrating ordinary ineptitude, rather than the nadir of squalor.

Jets, Colts (depending on how long Luck is out) and Bengals are my three picks for most likely to go 0-fer.

Will be interesting to see what happens if the Colts land the #1 pick - likely try to trade out of the spot like the Titans did after they had just drafted Mariota. But who knows what’ll happen with Luck.

Bengals and Jets are so bad I’d be worried they’d ruin a top draft pick QB if they started him right away.

Was sitting at a bar this weekend to watch the Chiefs game, and the people around me seemed extremely excited about Brissett (I live in Indy). One was a Patriots fan who was pissed they traded him away, the other was an NC State grad, where Brissett went. I was semi-impressed with his play - I think the Colts end up with 3-4 wins with him under center. And if they were to still get the #1, do they trade a rumored-to-be unhappy Luck? Do they trade the pick for more picks? Do they do both?!

I like the Jets to tank.

I have heard that the Brownsiest way for Cleveland to end the season is to win at least one game, and that game by a sufficent MoV, to deny themselves the #1 draft pick, thus failing at failing and ensuring they remain the Browns. So I think they win at least one game out of terrible luck.

The Aints still have Breesus, so I think they can pull some out.

The Bears hung with my Falcons for game one, they are 0-2 but I don’t think they are terrible and they’ll win some games.

Chargers, similarly, may have a bad start but they aren’t an overall bad team.

The rest better hope they play each other during the season to try and win by being less awful than their opponent. In particular I think the Giants are learning that keeping Eli “just good enough to not get fired” Manning around is not getting them a third ring.

Margin of victory has very little, if anything, to do with draft pick order. After record, the first “tiebreaker” is “weakness of schedule” (i.e. reverse strength of schedule; the combined records of the team’s 16 opponents, counting each division opponent twice). Only if two teams are tied in weakness of schedule and they are in the same conference could margins of victory be taken into account, and even then, only where they appear in the standard division or conference (as appropriate) tiebreakers. (If there are only two teams in a tie and they are in different conferences, a coin toss breaks the tie.)

mn

Well of course. You forget that we’re talking about the Browns. The Browns-y way to get 2nd pick in the draft is not through the first tiebreaker. The Browns-y way to get 2nd pick in the draft is to tie all the way down to one of those silly stats deep in the tiebreaker tree that nobody really cared about until it denied the Browns the draft pick they want.

I think the Jets have the best chance at pulling of the 0-16 season, but I would put their odds at less than 50/50. They have games against the Browns, Chargers, Saints, and Bills. They’ll likely stumble into at least one win somewhere along the line with those teams on the schedule. I think we’ll most likely be waiting until next year or later before we have another winless team.

I think the Jets are likely, too. They are not only terrible, they appear to be doing everything in their power to be as bad as possible (trading away good players for draft picks, etc). That schedule could mess their plan up. The Colts look positively dysfunctional, too, but more through incompetence rather than planned. Their strength of schedule is even easier.

You sound like a Browns fan. Or as we call ourselves, sufferer.

The Browns play Indy, Cincy & the Jets over the next 3 games. They could one or even (dare I say it) 2 of these games.

I think the Jets are in active rebuild mode.

At least I hope so. I’d like to give them that much credit.

I wonder if it’s possible that at some point they could be in danger if winning a game and sit their starters to be safe?

I’m a fan in the sense that I’m a fan of 7 car pileups, in that I don’t wish that on anybody but I can’t help but stare in fascination as one happens.

But you’re right, with those three games the Browns have a shot. I’m trying to decide to the battle of the bad is a better game to watch than the stomping of the silly by the supreme.

The Browns are nowhere near the worst team in the league. They’re starting a 21 year old rookie against the Pittsburgh and Baltimore defenses. Their defense is playing hard and looking good, their rookie QB is showing rookie growing pains. They’re not in the same tier as the Jets. They could win the next 3.

That would be awesome. Even though against bad teams, that’s just what a very young team needs to start building some confidence.

I remember when Cleveland was regularly in the playoffs and got within a few heartbreaking yards of the SB a couple times. Probably would not have choked nearly as bad as that other team.

Damn, that was a few years ago.

Bernie Kosar’s not walking through that door, fans. Earnest Byner’s not walking through that door (and he’d just fumble if he got close).

So, yeah. Sorry. But I don’t think it matters if they get the 1st or 2nd pick in the draft. There’s no real difference. The roster is thin overall, and they should consider trading down (and trading Joe Thomas, to take pity on him) to build up the roster overall.

I think my Saints are just bad enough to get a mediocre draft pick, again. Probably another 7-9 year, could slip to 6-10. Good thing nothing can take the 2009 season away from us…

We’ll have none of that “positivity” in THIS thread, mister!!

[Former Clevelander] They should change their name to the Charlie Browns. Ol’ Chuck’s winning percentage was like 1.2% or such…

I hear Steve Deberg will be starting for the '9ers this week. To, you know, bring them some good luck.