Instructions You Say? Pffft!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Up until recently, I never really understood why items like toothpicks and Q-tips came with instructions. When I originally read Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy Trilogy and came across the toothpicks thing I didn’t believe it, so I checked and sure enough, there were instructions on how to use tooth picks. How could anyone be so dumb as to not understand how to use something that has the instructions in the name?
With age comes wisdom; someone, somewhere has stuck a toothpick in their gums, or rammed a Q-tip halfway up their ear canal (or vice versa, but that’s a story for another day). Still, how can you possibly mess up something so…easy?

Thus the point of my post: When an item that is self-explanatory like, say, engine cleaner comes with instructions there is probably a reason. As it turns out I had to wash the car a little while ago and one of the tasks I had to do was flush out the engine compartment to find an oil leak that had been plaguing me. I also had to drive to the Cdn Tire to get engine cleaner, and my 17 year old son from work, a distance of roughly 20 km round trip. So, I get said son, and as we peruse CT’s fine selection of cleaning products my son points one out that is non-flammable. I say, Nah this is the one I want…it smells like oranges and says it is a Green product.

As a side note, I wonder now why I need my engine compartment to smell like oranges, but there you are.

Off we go to the self-serve car wash.

Dutiful Son has been holding the can and goes,”Hey Dad, this says not to spray on a hot engine”. “Ah, My Naive Son, but when I rinse the engine the water will cool it sufficiently and that will not be a concern!” I open the hood and gently spray the engine compartment, being careful not to hit the battery or electrical bits and am gratified by the soft wave of steam rising, cooling is occurring! Boy, am I a genius, or what? I note that DS has moved to the far corner of the wash bay and is looking dubiously at the goings on. However, he also is watching intently to see what I do next.

The can is brought forth and dutifully agitated, and sprayed forthwith upon the greasy bits,…. and the catalytic converter; which promptly bursts into flame.

Now if you have ever seen the Fawlty Towers sketch with the Fire Drill (and the Germans, but don’t mention the War!) you can appreciate what was going through my mind as the reptile part of my brain was screaming “FFFF-F-Fire! FFFFFF-F-ire!” My Pre-frontal cortex, meanwhile, looks at the situation and bursts out laughing. I see the headlines now, it thinks, Stupid Local Man Burns Down Car Wash While Holding High Pressure Spray Gun FULL of WATER!
Of Course! How ridiculously easy! I’ll just put a toonie ($2 Cdn Coin) in the wash selector and it’s all good. Except the only one I have is one of the newer minted ones and the machine doesn’t accept it and keeps spitting it out.fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck…
DS speaks up,” Dad, the car is on fire…” whilst the gentle scent of lightly burnt oranges fills the wash bay.
OK, dig into pockets and calmly, but frantically, dig out another coin…Aha! Plonk it in, turn to rinse and let fly….Fire out! And it appears that nothing got scorched.

DS looks over the engine compartment and drily says, “Maybe that’s why they say not to put it on a hot engine.” “It is wrong to kill your children”, silently to myself, 10-12 times.

I calmly look at him and say, “You’ve learned an important life lesson here today. Had I panicked, the car and the rest of this building could have gone up in flames, but by staying calm and assessing the situation, we avoided catastrophe. Keep that mindset and you can get yourself out of almost any situation. Even so, we probably shouldn’t mention this to either your Stepmom or Mom…"

“Oh, and read the instructions.”

2

It’s always good to demonstrate the important lessons in a way our children will not forget :slight_smile:

3

Were you in my town yesterday afternoon? I ask because as we drove home from shopping I saw a motorcycle completely engulfed by flames at a gas station. I can only surmise that the rider was smoking as he filled his tank. Something else the instructions tell you not to do. :stuck_out_tongue:

4

You brought 'em into this world, I always say, you can take them outta here. :smiley: Great story! Glad it didn’t go worse.

5

Kinda reminds me of when a geology department friend ignored the instruction warning about how hot catalytic converters could get when they first came out. He borrowd his girlfriend’s new car so he and a buddy could go swimming in some creek and parked it along the side of the road in some tall grass. They stripped down to cowboy boots and underwear and hit the creek. Sometime afterward they noticed a great deal of smoke in the air, looked back to the car and saw a large fireball where her new car and their dry clothes used to be.

First they had to stand by the road and a smoldering Firebird in wet underwear and boots and flag down a ride back to town. Then he had to go to his girlfriend’s Dad and explain to him why his daughter’s car looked like an ashtray. Hopefully he had a chance to trouser-up beforehand.

6

Well done! The story, handling the situation and not killing your son. Well done, all around.

Reading the instructions… that’s the easy part. It’s following the instructions that gets people stymied! :smiley:

7

Thanks! Although I’ve found that for most people, just getting them to acknowledge the instructions are actually there is the tough bit. I figured that I’ve had a good chuckle (or learned something new) at some of the posts I’ve read here on SDMB and maybe it was time to contribute.
The great irony after all that is that I still don’t know where the oil is coming from, and I always clean the engine when it’s cold now.:smack:

8

I’ve always maintained that if you need to read the directions, the product is not user friendly.

9

Cars are rough that way.

10

“Dad, I’m seventeen years old. I already knew adults are dumb.”

11

My husband will NOT read instructions! WTF? I don’t understand this mindset at all, it makes me crazy. How many times does one person have to misassemble something, realizing too late that they should have put THIS piece on first!, before they connect to the life lesson? Just read the damn words!

Recently, in a rented car my husband fiercely poking buttons on the console, attempting to work the ‘media player’, I calmly reached into the glovebox, pulled out the users manual and flipped to instructions for the unit, instantly telling how to do what he wanted. I assure you he is not a whit smarter, or more inclined to read instructions, than he ever was before, my hand to God!

12

also carry coins.

13

I learned, by virtue of parking about ten spaces away, that after tailgating at a baseball game, you should not put your hot grill under your car. My friend and I were in the stands, looking at the plume of black smoke coming from the general area we parked in. Our car was fine, thankfully. But there were a few that ended up overdone.

14

Bahaha. Thanks for the memory. Twenty Five years ago or so I was showing my son how to throw a Nolan Ryan fastball in the house. I was 10 feet away from my recliner that was going to act as my catcher. Recliner is situated next to a gigantic sliding glass door. I wind up and throw the baseball as hard as I can into the back of the recliner… except I missed the recliner from 10 feet (or less?) away, and launch a baseball right through the sliding glass door. As glass finished tinkling down to the floor my 5 year old son says very calmly: “Now I know why we’re not supposed to throw balls in the house.”

Sorry for the slight hijack but I literally laughed out loud when I read that line in your post. It was instant recognition of a long ago, almost forgotten memory.

15

Why not? They might have found it funny. :smiley:

16

I have no doubt they would but I already give them enough fodder to mock me about, there’s no need to give them more…
@Elbows,
Instructions are a last resort because it’s against Guy Code to admit you do not have mastery over your domain, even if it’s multimedia controls… Even mentioning this is a violation of the Code. I’ve said too much…

17

Even if they had, they would never have forgotten about it, and wouldn’t have let you forget about it, either.

18

If the instructions are in pictures, maybe. Reading words first? Too much work, just keep pushing the buttons…

19

It’s a corollary to never asking for directions.

MY husband decided to fix the leaking garbage disposal. It had leaked, pretty much since he’d installed it 5 years ago. He decided it just needed an O-ring.
A trip to Home Depot, always a half day outing, ensued.
Home again with the O-ring assembly, and a new power screwdriver, he disassembled the disposal. Huh, after only 5 years of leaks, he found RUST. Well, that won’t do.
Back to Home Depot, for a new disposal.
Back at home, the instructions go flying. Two hours later, volia, perfect. Wll, not so much. It leaked in the same place as the old one.
I then, pick up the discarded instructions and read them out loud.
“Oh,” he says, " I guess I put (widget) in backwards." Both times.
Widget reinstalled correctly, no leak.

20

Older motorcycles do not have the same backflow thingy that cars do, that makes the gas pump shut off when the tank if full. You have to pay close attention, and release the trigger when the tank is full. If you don’t, you can cause some backspray or at least overflow the tank.
And your gas tank is directly above your engine.

I doubt cigarettes played any role at all.