On Facebook, I inadvertently revealed a touristy trip to the city a friend from college is living in. I actually didn’t even know he was living there, until he commented on what I wrote to someone else. Though it is tourist trip, it is only one day, with a husband and three kids in my entourage.
Though it would be nice to see him, not so nice as to spend whatever is the minimum possible number of hours out of our chance to see the things we want to see.
This seems like a pretty common situation. Need a script that is nice and leaves feelings unhurt.
I’m so sorry, I had no idea you were living there when we made our plans.
Our agenda is pretty packed but if you have the time we’ll be at “loud kid oriented tourist destination” from x to x if you’d like to wander around with us.
“I’d love to see you but my husband is the very jealous type and I’d never hear the end of it if I met up with some man in a strange city. For the sake of my marriage, I hope you understand I have to decline.”
Optional: “…he’s just getting over the affair I had with another old buddy in Pittsburgh.”
Yes to the first part. It follows Miss Manners’ simple rule about declining invitations by saying you have previous plans, and that you don’t have to actually specify what those plans are.
Include the second part ONLY if you genuinely would like him to join you. If you feel that it would be more stressful than fun to have him join you, do not feel guilty about it.
“Yes, I am coming there and would love to see you! I have an exciting opportunity I’d like to tell you about. Are you familiar with multi-level marketing?”
But don’t do the flip side of this. I was bombarded by questions about what to do, where to stay, etc., invited them to meet for dinner, etc. They came to town, toured and left and never called.
I’m a big fan of meeting people for one meal or another. Even on vacation, you have to eat sometime and if the vacation is so packed that I don’t even have time to sit down and relax while I eat, then the vacation is too busy for me to even enjoy in the first place.
When presenting it to the other person, I’m just very specific about how/where it fits into the plan. “Let’s meet up for lunch. I’ll be on the south side of downtown at noon on the 4th and have until 1 pm.” The less I want to meet up, the more specific and limited the option is.
Also… this kind of thing is why I don’t use Facebook.
“Hey, great to know you’ll be nearby! My schedule is tight and I probably won’t be able to break away this time. Would you be interested in planning something next time I’m up?”
I’m with dracoi, if it would actually be nice to meet up with him, suggest meeting up over lunch or dinner, with the whole family, at a location that fits in with your busy 1 day tourist schedule.
Now, if you’re still here and would like to take this game up a notch, what if you know the person well, they are really a friend or family member and you knew full well they lived there, but you still really just need to visit the city and do your thing and not see them? Business trip is easier obviously, but the true social ninja will come up with the right words for a tourist.
A few years ago one of my kids deserved a reward and what he wanted more than anything in the world was to see the Statue of Liberty. Somehow, what with family and friends who lived in the area we ended up doing this outing with NINETEEN people, all of whom I love dearly, but that was a pain in the ass.
Same principles apply - just say that you’re on a tight schedule and won’t be able to meet up this time, but would love to do so next time. Or better still, avoid publicising the trip beforehand and just don’t tell them. In my view, it’s not so bad if they find out after the fact, because the opportunity has gone by then in any case, whereas if you were to call someone and say “Oh, I’ll be in your area next weekend but don’t have time to see you, sorry!”, that seems like a deliberate snub, however well-intentioned.
Why not just stop telling people where you’re going? Tell them AFTERWARDS how much fun you had but not before. If anyone says "OMG why didn’t you say you were coming to NYC/The Moon/Whatever say “I don’t post that stuff on social media, it’s not safe for people to know when you’re out of town (which is true). But I had a great time!” and let it go.
“We’re having a special family time (Mommy-Daughter, Girl Scout, Class of Whatever, etc.) trip this time around, but we’d love to make plans with you next time we’re in town!”
