Basically, I am looking for a graceful, humane way to decline an invitation - and subsequent ones.
Situation: The spousette and I have a dog we walk routinely a couple times a day - at least twice a day together. We love that. My spousette gets up very early and walks the dog by herself first thing, because I’m not up yet, and then we take her again later. Anyway, we often see the same woman power-walking around the neighborhood on a regular basis. We’re cordial and acknowledge her, once she introduced herself to my spousette and then she’d stop and pet the dog, all fine and good.
One day she chatted a bit more, I noted that she walks often and joked that I ought to do the same and she immediately invited me to walk with her anytime and followed that up with an invitation for us all to do dinner soon. Feeling on the spot, I babbled something and we were on our way. Already I felt anxious about it, because we have no desire to have any social relationship with this woman whatsoever. We barely have time to see the friends we have, and aren’t terribly social to begin with. Today she stopped by the house and left her phone number, inviting us to dinner this Sunday. I wasn’t home yet and my spousette punted and said I’d call her (Thanks, Babe!) I am at a loss. I realize she may be the most incredible person ever and I may well be missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime, but I don’t care. My time is limited and I have no interest in pursuing this. However, I also don’t want to be horribly rude or hurt her feelings. Any suggestions or experience with such a thing would be most welcome.
Something along the lines of “Thank you so much – that’s very nice of you to ask. I’m sorry, though – we are so busy that we barely have time to walk the dog. I just don’t see when we would have the time.” Maybe have a couple stories to show how busy you are, and let it go at that. Alternately, have some small talk topic at hand to follow-up with (ask her if she is following a specific fitness program, or something like that), chat a bit, then thank her again and take your leave.
I’ve been in your situation, and it feels a little awkward, but it is best to make it clear that you are not interested. By saying it is because you are busy (not because of anything about her) it lets her save face. By saying you don’t see the situation changing (i.e., you do not envision becoming less busy in the future) it hopefully curtails future invitations.
However you approach it, I hope it works out well.
I don’t have anything much better to add. Maybe try phoning when you’re pretty sure she’s not there so you can leave a message instead of having to talk to her. Something like “I’m afraid dinner’s not going to work out, but thanks for thinking of us.” Of course the problem is if she is home and answers she’ll ask whether there’s a better time. Then just say something vague like it would be nice to have more free time.
You have not yet mastered the art of the Retroactive Previous Engagement ™. Now that you have more or less committed to an evening with her, you might have to discharge the obligation – do you have any neighborhood friends you could have over for a cookout, and invite her too? Then you would have fulfilled your end of the deal, and could decline all future offers with Blue Mood’s response, and still not have been rude to her.
Thanks so much for your responses, they’re all good suggestions. Maybe I’ll just barricade myself inside the house and never come out…
I was thinking of something along the lines of we’re really busy (love the dog comment! - it IS a way my partner and I can be sure to connect at least twice a day) and that it really isn’t a good time for us, for reasons I don’t want to go into, and that I hope she doesn’t take it personally because she seems like a nice person.
I get the feeling she’s pretty lonely, which makes me feel worse, but also make me sense that she just wants to make friends with anyone and we’re a pretty specific and acquired taste ;-).
Keep saying that and the invitations will stop soon.
Seriously tho’, it’s very considerate of you but I don’t think you should worry yourself too much about hurting this girl’s feelings. Just politely decline. No explanation is necessary.
You should also consider outwardly people like the girl you describe are no strangers to rejections. That’s debatably why they are such outgoing people to begin with.
One of the biggest things everyone needs to learn is the art of saying no with a smile. I’m certainly not saying I’ve mastered it but I’ve gotten pretty good at it. Just say no - excuses can be provided, if necessary, but if you have to, be honest. “We’re not really social butterflies, and prefer to relax at home on our time off, but thank you for the kind invitation.”
As for the walkies, that’s easy - just say she walks too fast for you, and you want to walk to relax.
Okay, I called and she was home :eek:. I had actually typed out a little script because I was nervous (I’m a freak, I know.) I went with the really-busy-for-the-foreseeable-future-but-thanks-so-much gambit. On a scale from 1 to 10, I’d give it a 7 for awkwardness. She actually made it a bit easier by asking conversational questions about what I do. I still feel terrible :(. But at least it’s terrible without an unwanted dinner date.
We really aren’t social butterflies. I made my spousette a shirt that says “Antisocial Butterfly” with a butterfly wearing a bag over its head and thinking “Go Away.” AntisocialButterfly Shirt | Zazzle
Subtle, eh?
Yes, apparently this woman likes to find the biggest hills she can and walks quickly up them ::wheeze::
My reaction as well. I’m not terribly outgoing but I’ve noticed that people who are outgoing don’t get too upset when someone says they are busy, doesn’t return a call, or even blows off a casual happy-hour type gathering all together. They don’t take it personally and call someone else who might want to hang out. (I take it personally, that’s why I’m not outgoing.)
I think it’s kinda cool that she’s okay with just approaching her neighbors. I wish I could do that, then I might actually have friends in my building.
Well done jellyblue! 7 out of 10 on the awkward-o-meter pretty darn good if this is your first time doing something like this. It does get easier with practice. As long as you are polite and respectful to the other person, you have nothing to be ashamed about regardless of the outcome.
Well, if it’s anywhere but a casual online message board, I don’t. “Spouse” is such an old fashioned word, though. And sometimes the fact that we’re a gay couple is germane and I need a way to convey that, although in this instance, it’s not. She actually prefers “My Reason for Living” but it’s such a mouthful…
