How do you decline invitations tactfully?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I have a coworker who likes to cook. I’ve had her cooking before and it’s perfectly fine. Sometime this week, she got it into her head to invite everyone to her house for dinner. But I have a problem…

I do not want to go.

It’s not that I hate this person. She’s nice. But she’s kind of annoying. She laughs way too loud, over things that aren’t that funny, and I always have the feeling that she doesn’t think before she speaks. She says dumb things sometimes. Like, one day we were sitting in the dean’s office and I noticed the bookshelf next to me had course catalogs going all the way back to the 1960s. When I said, “These catalogues go back to the 1960s”, she asked, “And they’re all out of order?” I said, “Um…no” and she replied, “Oh. I thought you said they were out of order.” How did she get that out of what I had said? What a bizarrely stupid comment. (Maybe you just had to be there)

She’s the kind of person who will look over your shoulder as you post on the SDMB and ask what you’re doing. I’ve very much in favor of privacy fences for computer monitors.

I’m deeply introverted and I find her style a little annoying And yes, I’m a snob when it comes to intelligence. I wouldn’t mind having dinner with her if I felt she was capable of holding an engaging conversation. But I don’t think she is. She thinks “word” is an appropriate greeting when I see her in the morning. How do you respond to “word”? She even uses this greeting in her emails. It’s not cute anymore. It was cool in the late 1980s, early 90s. But back then it never used as a synonym for “hello”. Rather, it meant “I agree”. (Yes, I know. How petty.)

Her response to everything I say is “That’s cool”. I’ve noticed that she says this even when it’s not appropriate (as in, after I tell her I’m feeling tired) Her favorite exclamation is “Sweet!”, which she says about a million times during the day. She speaks like she’s in middle school, and she’s in a Ph.D program. How can that be?

I’ve tried engaging her into meaningful conversations. When I talk about the war, she says, “I know! I think this war is bad too” but it always ends up with me talking. I don’t like feeling like I’m standing on soap box or like I’m lecturing someone, and that’s how it feels when I talk to this person. I always feel like she’s just agreeing with what I’m saying so that she doesn’t have to think of anything to say. And talking with her is difficult in general because she likes to interrupt what I’m saying with “I know!” But it’s almost like she’s saying, based on the tone of her voice, that she knows what I’m about to say, so no need to say it. Like we’re in an argument and she’s on the defense. Maybe it’s because she’s so loud. Confused? Well that’s how I feel when I talk to this person sometimes.

Suffice it to say, by the time Fridays roll around, I’m looking forward to the two-day break. I don’t totally dislike this person, but she saps my energy. After she said something REALLY stupid the other day, I’ve decided to keep my distance from her when I can (it wasn’t just stupid, it was offensive).

But the thing is, she invited me over to her house tomorrow for dinner. I did not want to say “yes” but I did because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. And now I’m regretting it. I’m used to people fatigue, but this will require super human strength. If I knew my absence wouldn’t be missed I wouldn’t go. But since only a couple of other people said “yes”, I don’t think my absence would go unnoticed.

How do you politiely decline these types of invitations? Do you lie? Do you tell the person you’d rather not go? Or do you do what I’m about to do, and just grin and bear it? If this dinner party turns out to be lousy (and I’m hoping it isn’t), I need to have a back-up plan just in case she hosts another one.

(Also, do you think I’m as petty as I think I am, based on what I posted? Is annoyance a good reason not to like a good-hearted person?)

2

“You know, my weekends are pretty booked doing (family stuff, personal stuff, house work, etc). I really do appreciate the offer though!”

3

“I’m afraid I won’t be able to make it” is all you owe.

4

“I’m sorry, but I won’t be able to come.”
“I have a previous commitment.”
“It sounds like fun, but I’m afraid I’m already busy that night (you don’t have to add, ‘cleaning my toenails’).”

Any of these may be graciously followed by
“But I hope you have a wonderful party!”

lorinada is correct; you do not owe any explanation. If she pries as to why you can’t come, change the subject.

5

Yes, just decline politely and do not offer any excuses.

6

“Thank you for thinking of me, but I already have plans.”

7

“Oh, I’m sorry. I have to work that day…when is it?”

“Gosh, I’m sorry, but I have an appointment to have the cat flossed that night.”

No, really, all you have to say is that you’re sorry, but you can’t make it. Making excuses just invites her to parry your excuses and try to find “solutions” so don’t give the chance to start up with that shit.

8

Well, see if I ever ask any of YOU over to dinner ever again.
:wink:

Heed the Doper advice. They know of what they speak. But I have a nagging suspicion she’s the type to not let it go without an inquisition as to why not.

9

I’m afraid to lie because I’m never good at it. Plus, everyone at work knows I have no life. I have no boyfriend or children or relatives who live nearby. And I don’t really do anything that requires planning far in advance.

(Perhaps I should create some imaginary friends who are always getting married or something.)

Even though I don’t think this person is that bright, I think she’d be able to figure out that I was lying. And then she’d be hurt.

But the next time she invites me over, I’ll try the “Sorry, I can’t make it” line. She definitely is the type who would ask why, but maybe I could find some way to change the subject.

10

And if she asks, just say “oh, it’s a family thing.”

People rarely ask, if you decline by simply saying “Sorry, I have other plans.” Only you need to know that your plans consist of watching TV.

11

You don’t want this woman as a friend. And if she knew what you think of her, I’m sure she wouldn’t want you as a friend either. So don’t worry too much about sounding insencere when you decline her invitation - the more you sound as though you just don’t want to be there, the less likely she’ll be to invite you to any more of her functions.

12

For this weekend you have already said yes, if you can manage it go to the dinner.
What are the other people coming like? What is the planned food?
There are ways to put her off asking you again, without being directly rude.
For each course, commend her cooking, and then talk about how you ate something similar and better somewhere, a bit like this.
Starter = Smoked Samon, with slices of lemon and brown bread.

“This samon is very good, do you have any capers?”
if she has capers, accept them, if not say “never mind”
“This salmon is almost as good as I had on my holiday to <name holiday location>, the chef their sliced the salmon at your table, and served it with lime, capers, and believe it or not horseraddish sauce. I was quite amazed at how well horseradish can go with salmon…”

If the host offers to get some horseraddish sauce, decline saying 'It needs to be a very subtle sauce, of course, or it would drown the flavour of the salmon."

… carry on ad obnoxium :wink:

With a bit of luck, you won’t get future invitations.

Of course, you could just turn up, eat, get blotto (drunk), and make the most of it. :slight_smile:

13

Just “No, thank you, I’m afraid I can’t,” is all you have to say. Certainly no detailed critique of her personality is necessary. If she asks why, “I have other plans already” is all the information she needs. That your other plans involve Chee-tos and DVDs is irrelevant- those, too, are plans, yes?

14

Miss Manners agrees with the others - simply express your regret, and wish her well. If she pushes for details, just respond with vague statements about other plans/prior engagements/being terribly busy.

15

You said “yes.” You have to go. This is how you learn not to say “yes” unless you mean it.

Also, you have to be nice. Although you can be the last to arrive and the first to leave.

16

Bippy, it’s going to be her husband and two other coworkers. Both are OK but one of them can work my nerves too. I actually ranted about her in the Pit thread last year.

I think my real problem is that I like having free weekends. I put on an act all week but Saturday and Sunday I can just relax and be myself. I don’t have to be the funny, life-of-the-party monstro when I’m at home, playing my piano, watching TV. So I’m starting to think that the best person in the world could invite me over and I still wouldn’t want to go. :frowning:

The menu is going to be shrimp and grits. It’s actually mighty tasty, so at least I have that to look forward to.

Thanks for all the replies, everyone.

17

It would be a good chance to see how ‘pushy’ your friend is. Note her response to your polite rejection. If she keeps on pushing, or try to pull a guilt manipulation you “But…but I cooked so much for you? Don’t you love me any more?? I am going to swallow a live fish whole if you are not going to come over!”, then stay away!

18

Never explain. Explanations bite everybody in the ass sooner or later. Just keep it simple and keep it kind. Decline with polite regret, no more. You appreciate the invitation, right? Not the dismal prospect of actually having to be there, mind, but the general spirit of hospitality behind the invitation: big difference. So answer that ONLY but never explain why you won’t be there. Manufactured excuses are traps that catch everybody sooner or later.

Keep it simple and keep it general, no matter if pressed. (Anybody who keeps pressing is more bullying than hospitable.) Vagueness is GOOD. You don’t own anyone explanations, just a courteous response, so pour on your oil of choice.

“Thanks so much for inviting me but I’ve already made other plans.” You don’t own anybody explanations that your “other plans” consist of collapsing at home, taking a nap, etc. If pressed don’t get cornered. Avoid specifics (traps) even if they’re set up as cues. Deflect rather than answer:
“So why not? You could bring your friends along.”
“That’s so kind of you but I’m afraid not.”
“Why not?”
“I’m sure you understand.”

Et cetera. If pushed to the limit, just keep smiling and repeating, no matter what’s said, “Thanks so much and I hope you have a great time.” It’s one of the few times when inane repitition is actually approriate and effective.

Good luck.

Veb

19

What most of the others have said will work in the future. As you already accepted the invitation, you have one of four choices:

  1. Go and be mildly annoyed by her, and greatly annoyed by one of the other guests, and have a horrible time.

  2. Call and cancel telling her the truth.

  3. Call and cancel the morning of the day, giving enough time that she isn’t put out, lying about how you tied into some bad oysters the night before and can’t stray more than 5 feet from the bathroom.

  4. Go and speak your mind at every possible opportunity and then some, basically being someone that people don’t want to invite to dinner ever again.

Like you, I am basically an anti-social person. I would rather sit at home with a drink and a decent book or movie than go out. Although I find people fascinating, I don’t like them as a group, and small groups are worse than big ones. At least with a big group, you have a better chance of hooking up with another people hater. With a small group, especially a group of four that contains two who you know can twist your nerves, it is a crap shoot for your enjoyment. If you are in the right mood, stupid people can be fun to observe. If you are in the mood to correct stupid people, forget it. It is a losing game. (you should know that by now).

Good form (which is different than ettiquette) dictates that you grin and bear it, but allowances are permitted based on the “obnoxious factor”. See what your mood is when you wake up that day. To cancel is not a bad thing, if done with enough lead time. To just not show up is not acceptable. And always have a vague response in your pocket for the next time it happens, like a relative or old friend coming to town, you have a date (who stood you up if you get cornered) etc… If nothing else, tell her that you will let her know the next day. Just because you don’t have a life today doesn’t mean that you won’t tomorrow.

Just because some people are good hearted doesn’t mean that they can’t be annoying as hell. I know a lot of wonderful people that I can’t stand to be around. I’m actually a hell of a nice guy, but a lot of people don’t like me. That’s just how it is. I don’t think you are being petty at all. If you find somebody annoying, then you are simply annoyed by them. It isn’t a character flaw.

Just as a side note, I’m a hell of a cook myself, and one of my favorite styles is southern cooking. But while I love both shrimp and grits, I can’t imagine what the hell the two are doing together for dinner, especially as a main course. Breakfast sure, but dinner? I wouldn’t go to a restaurant for shrimp and grits, much less a dinner party with people I don’t like. If I’m gonna deal with morons, gimme some prime rib, decent BBQ or a bag of White Castles.

20

I somehow missed that you had already accepted the invite.

You have no choice but to go now. Unless you want to be a complete ass.