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  #1  
Old 12-21-2014, 08:45 PM
bobot bobot is offline
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No, I don't want to hold your goddamn baby!

Thanks for asking, but No, I don't want to hold your goddamn baby. And when you ask me in 2 minutes if I'm sure, I still won't want to hold your goddamn baby. What's that you say? I show more affection to your dog than I do your goddamn baby? That's something. How about that. I'll tell you what: YOU hold your goddamn baby!
Happy Holidays.
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  #2  
Old 12-21-2014, 08:50 PM
John Mace John Mace is offline
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Yeah, but you have to admit that it's the cutest baby everrrrrrr, right?
  #3  
Old 12-21-2014, 09:24 PM
Jackmannii Jackmannii is online now
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The least you could do is link to a photo of you holding the goddamn baby.
  #4  
Old 12-21-2014, 09:29 PM
bobot bobot is offline
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John: That may be what they thought, but it looked like your regular run of the mill baby to me.
Jackmannii: I didn't hold the goddamn baby.
The dog was nice.

Last edited by bobot; 12-21-2014 at 09:31 PM.
  #5  
Old 12-21-2014, 09:37 PM
TriPolar TriPolar is online now
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I don't want to see your baby photos either. All babies look alike, and so do the pictures.
  #6  
Old 12-21-2014, 09:42 PM
Muffin Muffin is offline
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Once you hold someone's baby, they've got you for child support.
  #7  
Old 12-21-2014, 09:50 PM
Ibanez Ibanez is offline
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Originally Posted by bobot View Post
What's that you say? I show more affection to your dog than I do your goddamn baby? That's something. How about that. I'll tell you what: YOU hold your goddamn baby!
Happy Holidays.
You like dogs better than most people you've met too huh....
  #8  
Old 12-21-2014, 09:54 PM
johnpost johnpost is offline
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What's that you say?
i used to be the best drop kicker back in high school. wanna see?
  #9  
Old 12-21-2014, 10:00 PM
kayT kayT is offline
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I don't want to hold your baby. I don't want to watch you talk baby talk to your baby. I don't want to smell your baby. Guess I better be going...
  #10  
Old 12-21-2014, 10:06 PM
Penfeather Penfeather is online now
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Originally Posted by bobot View Post
Thanks for asking, but No, I don't want to hold your goddamn baby. And when you ask me in 2 minutes if I'm sure, I still won't want to hold your goddamn baby. What's that you say? I show more affection to your dog than I do your goddamn baby? That's something. How about that. I'll tell you what: YOU hold your goddamn baby!
Happy Holidays.
Yes, but where do you stand on just eating him right up?
  #11  
Old 12-21-2014, 10:11 PM
Trinopus Trinopus is offline
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I've gotten very skilled, over the years, at hiding behind Aunt Margaret, the moment one of the cousins comes anywhere near, carrying the latest baby. If that fails, I'll go around to the other side of the dinner table. I've even been known to duck under the dinner table, just to keep some safe distance.

Babies are....moist....
  #12  
Old 12-21-2014, 10:13 PM
Muffin Muffin is offline
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Originally Posted by bobot View Post
Thanks for asking, but No, I don't want to hold your goddamn baby. And when you ask me in 2 minutes if I'm sure, I still won't want to hold your goddamn baby. What's that you say? I show more affection to your dog than I do your goddamn baby? That's something. How about that. I'll tell you what: YOU hold your goddamn baby!
Happy Holidays.
Interesting way to speak to your wife.
  #13  
Old 12-21-2014, 10:22 PM
Joey P Joey P is offline
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Yeah, but you have to admit that it's the cutest baby everrrrrrr, right?
Yeah he really is breathtaking.
  #14  
Old 12-21-2014, 10:25 PM
John Mace John Mace is offline
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Yeah he really is breathtaking.
I thought Elaine was breathtaking!
  #15  
Old 12-21-2014, 10:27 PM
flatlined flatlined is offline
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Well, you will feel differently after you have one of your own!

My suggestion is to always be holding the dog, that way your arms are full. What, the dog is a full grown St Bernard? So just sit on the floor...then your arms and lap is full.
  #16  
Old 12-21-2014, 11:10 PM
Bryan Ekers Bryan Ekers is offline
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Human babies are boring. Let me hold a kitten.
  #17  
Old 12-21-2014, 11:31 PM
Czarcasm Czarcasm is offline
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Court order be damned! Of course I'll hold your baby.
  #18  
Old 12-22-2014, 06:33 AM
QuickSilver QuickSilver is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bobot View Post
Thanks for asking, but No, I don't want to hold your goddamn baby. And when you ask me in 2 minutes if I'm sure, I still won't want to hold your goddamn baby. What's that you say? I show more affection to your dog than I do your goddamn baby? That's something. How about that. I'll tell you what: YOU hold your goddamn baby!
Happy Holidays.
All I'm gonna say is, if Joseph had been a better father and held the kid, maybe Jesus wouldn't have had all those daddy issues and we wouldn't be in this fucking mess.
  #19  
Old 12-22-2014, 06:38 AM
foolsguinea foolsguinea is offline
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Am I allowed to juggle the baby?
  #20  
Old 12-22-2014, 07:14 AM
Sattua Sattua is offline
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My response to these threads, having been the parent of a newborn, is, "well I don't want to LET your germy ass hold my baby. Everybody's happy!"
  #21  
Old 12-22-2014, 07:39 AM
Jeep's Phoenix Jeep's Phoenix is offline
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No one has mentioned how leaky human babies are...seems like something is always coming out of one end or the other with no warning.
  #22  
Old 12-22-2014, 08:14 AM
monstro monstro is offline
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I have the dropsies. Maybe this is why no one has ever asked me to hold their baby.
  #23  
Old 12-22-2014, 08:14 AM
Muffin Muffin is offline
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Fair's fair. If you poop and puke while holding someone's baby, they have to clean you up.
  #24  
Old 12-22-2014, 08:15 AM
Alessan Alessan is offline
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You know, every time a friend's handed me a baby, it's because they needed their hands free, or just needed a few minutes of peace and quiet from that damn screaming bundle of joy. It's not because they wanted me to hold the baby - it's because they needed me to hold the baby. So I take it, because I'm a good friend, and I've been where they are before.

Now back to your humorous ranting.

Last edited by Alessan; 12-22-2014 at 08:16 AM.
  #25  
Old 12-22-2014, 08:29 AM
Canadjun Canadjun is offline
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Originally Posted by Sattua View Post
My response to these threads, having been the parent of a newborn, is, "well I don't want to LET your germy ass hold my baby. Everybody's happy!"
Huh? I've never run into anyone whose ass is big enough to hold a baby!
  #26  
Old 12-22-2014, 08:37 AM
Folly Folly is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sattua View Post
My response to these threads, having been the parent of a newborn, is, "well I don't want to LET your germy ass hold my baby. Everybody's happy!"
This. I find it very hard to believe any parent is trying to get someone to hold their baby who demonstrated any reluctance in holding a baby.

Now, I can believe that someone holding someone else's baby might try to get you to hold it.
  #27  
Old 12-22-2014, 08:44 AM
Leaffan Leaffan is offline
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I'll hold your baby.

I'm not a misanthrope.
  #28  
Old 12-22-2014, 09:04 AM
glee glee is offline
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I'm friends with a charming couple.
They started with an adorable dog, which likes to be petted.
I like dogs, so that was great for both of us.

Then they had a baby.
Naturally I sent them a card, wishing them well.

After a couple of months, I was visiting - and they invited me to hold the baby.
Now I play chess (and used to program computers), so my reaction to a new situation is to imagine what could go wrong.
In this case:
SPOILER:
I drop the baby

So I demurred.
But the proud mother insisted.
So I held the baby - but I didn't enjoy it and was extremely relieved when he was taken back.
  #29  
Old 12-22-2014, 09:12 AM
Anaamika Anaamika is offline
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I don't mind holding the baby if the mom needs a minute or whatever. I don't want to hold it just for the sake of holding it. People who want to snuggle with random babies are weird to me.

But then I don't really want to snuggle with random dogs, either. So I guess I am just not a snuggly duckling.
  #30  
Old 12-22-2014, 09:14 AM
billfish678 billfish678 is offline
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Sure, I'll hold you baby. I need some inspiration for my Rugrats adult fanfic work.
  #31  
Old 12-22-2014, 09:17 AM
Green Bean Green Bean is offline
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Originally Posted by Alessan View Post
You know, every time a friend's handed me a baby, it's because they needed their hands free, or just needed a few minutes of peace and quiet from that damn screaming bundle of joy.
This. 1000x this.
  #32  
Old 12-22-2014, 09:20 AM
madmonk28 madmonk28 is offline
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Fucking breeders, just hold the baby and then tell them, "it's just like every other baby I've encountered, nothing at all extraordinary, you must be so proud."
  #33  
Old 12-22-2014, 09:22 AM
Frylock Frylock is offline
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Originally Posted by Sattua View Post
My response to these threads, having been the parent of a newborn, is, "well I don't want to LET your germy ass hold my baby. Everybody's happy!"
I know right? I'm trying to figure out what's going on in the OP, because in my experience new mothers kind of hate how grabby everybody is towards their baby.
  #34  
Old 12-22-2014, 09:28 AM
Skald the Rhymer Skald the Rhymer is offline
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Yeah, but you have to admit that it's the cutest baby everrrrrrr, right?
The cutest baby ever is one of my three. I don't offer the privilege of holding them to all and sundry; they're too precious. But I must restrain myself from asking to hold the less cute but still marvelous babies of others. I adore babies.
  #35  
Old 12-22-2014, 09:35 AM
CheshireKat CheshireKat is offline
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"No thank you. I've taken a pledge to save my first hold for my own child/grandchild."
  #36  
Old 12-22-2014, 09:48 AM
Jophiel Jophiel is offline
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"No thank you. I've taken a pledge to save my first hold for my own child/grandchild."
If you don't practice with someone else's, you'll just drop yours.

Seriously though, you're (general you) about one trillion times less important to new parents than anything related to their new child, so if you don't want to be subjected to baby related things, you might as well stay home because you ain't gonna change them. The parents, that is. They'd probably let you change the baby.
  #37  
Old 12-22-2014, 10:03 AM
Chefguy Chefguy is offline
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Bring her back when she's eighteen and I'll give it a shot.
  #38  
Old 12-22-2014, 10:03 AM
Anaamika Anaamika is offline
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Originally Posted by Frylock View Post
I know right? I'm trying to figure out what's going on in the OP, because in my experience new mothers kind of hate how grabby everybody is towards their baby.
Sometimes they ask you, it's weird. "Do you want to hold the baby?" And everyone passes the baby around, like a doll.
  #39  
Old 12-22-2014, 10:09 AM
Leaffan Leaffan is offline
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Originally Posted by Anaamika View Post
Sometimes they ask you, it's weird. "Do you want to hold the baby?" And everyone passes the baby around, like a doll.
Before having kids I would say no.

Since having kids for sure I'll hold the baby. It's rather fascinating to think that we can just create life from nowhere. Babies are very interesting. They're human yet completely and utterly helpless. It's rather fascinating to interact with them.

Last edited by Leaffan; 12-22-2014 at 10:09 AM.
  #40  
Old 12-22-2014, 11:04 AM
kayaker kayaker is offline
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". . . and violate my probation? No way!"
  #41  
Old 12-22-2014, 11:04 AM
Dung Beetle Dung Beetle is offline
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I'm a new grandma, as of about a month ago, but I still don't get excited about babies the way I do puppies or kittens. People at work ask me about the grandkid and I say, "Well, it looks just like a baby."

Only from now on, I'm going to say, "Well, it looks just like a goddamn baby."
  #42  
Old 12-22-2014, 11:05 AM
YogSothoth YogSothoth is offline
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Sounds like a great time for your Parkinson's to act up
  #43  
Old 12-22-2014, 11:13 AM
Stonebow Stonebow is offline
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Wow, you people are lucky. Apparently, I have the sort of face that says 'I hate babies,' even though I really do enjoy holding them. However, I have also discovered that there is not good way for to ask someone to hold their baby without coming off as a creep. *sigh*
  #44  
Old 12-22-2014, 11:13 AM
Katriona Katriona is offline
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My suggestion is to always be holding the dog, that way your arms are full. What, the dog is a full grown St Bernard? So just sit on the floor...then your arms and lap is full.
And if/when that's not an option, keep your arms firmly behind your back, so they have to keep hold of the baby or drop it.
  #45  
Old 12-22-2014, 12:40 PM
Yllaria Yllaria is offline
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I flew to Phoenix last week to hold a baby. Of course, she leaked very little and still had that new baby smell. That helped. Also, her parents, exhausted though they were, whisked her away to change shirts and/or diapers as soon as needed. Between that and her sleeping like an estivating Cyclorana platycephala, she was easy to hold. Cute, too.

Is this a friends or a family occurrance? I only ask out of extreme nosiness.
  #46  
Old 12-22-2014, 12:46 PM
Chefguy Chefguy is offline
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Of course, she leaked very little and still had that new baby smell.
I had a Ford like that. The smell is just off-gassing.
  #47  
Old 12-22-2014, 12:57 PM
FeAudrey FeAudrey is offline
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... there is not good way for to ask someone to hold their baby without coming off as a creep. *sigh*
I say something like, "Can I give him/her a little cuddle?".
  #48  
Old 12-22-2014, 01:04 PM
Macca26 Macca26 is offline
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Originally Posted by Folly View Post
This. I find it very hard to believe any parent is trying to get someone to hold their baby who demonstrated any reluctance in holding a baby.

Now, I can believe that someone holding someone else's baby might try to get you to hold it.
I was quite emphatic that I didn't want to hold my brother's baby. I even put my hands up in the "stop" motion and backed away slightly. But then he put that baby against me and started letting go and uh, yep, I'm going to do my best to not drop that baby because he was sure as hell about to if I didn't grab it.

But the look on my face combined with the dangerous way I sort of held it meant that baby was taken by someone else quite fast.

Thankfully he has never tried to make me hold a baby since.
  #49  
Old 12-22-2014, 01:55 PM
Drunky Smurf Drunky Smurf is offline
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Huh? I've never run into anyone whose ass is big enough to hold a baby!
You're one of the lucky ones who somehow happened to miss the Kardashian showing her ass off to the world in the Paper magazine. That ass could hold a Volvo.

I envy you.
  #50  
Old 12-22-2014, 02:00 PM
RandMcnally RandMcnally is offline
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I don't get people foisting their baby on others. Now, I'm definitely the "nothing on my facebook but pictures of my kid because I have the cutest kid in the world" type, but the only people I ever asked if they wanted to hold Eliana was if they were close friends (who are all people who are good with kids. And only after I got the vibe that they wanted to hold her).

Other than that, I don't necessarily want anyone else to hold her. People are dirty. And they might drop her.

Also, it doesn't help that I saw this music video when I was younger, so I'm definitely paranoid.

Last edited by RandMcnally; 12-22-2014 at 02:01 PM.
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