How can i tell my co worker to stop flirting with mestop flirting with me.....

In My Humble Opinion
1

There is this older man at work who is getting too friendly and I want to put a stop to it.I don’t work with him everyday since I have a part time casual position and he has permanent position on different floor. I am casual which means I float and work different floors so sometimes I get scheduled to work on is floor.

We became cool when he offered me a ride last winter because my car woudnt start .So he gave me and this other girl at work a lift then when he dropped me home ,he jump started my car and I was able to get the engine to turn over. I thanked him and he said no problem. Whenever I would see him around work, he would say hi and ask me how is everything and if my car is working fine etc. So I just thought he is just nice and friendly. I didn’t think much of it and it didn’t bother me.

I sometimes would run into him outside work and we would have a brief chat then we would go on our separate ways. There was time when he asked for my number when I ran into him in grocery store and I asked him why then he said that he can talk to me whenever he wants. I told him that I am not a phone person and we can talk whenever we see each other at work. He was cool with my response and didn’t press the issue

However, lately I feel like he is flirting with me and not being just friendly. Whenever I work on his floor his face lights up and seem really happy to see me. Then he will ask how I am and when I return the question he would say he is not happy because he doesn’t see me often. He will say something like oh why are doing this to me? I don't see you around that much, you always brighten my day when I see you He would also stand close to me and sayHow come you are not giving me what I wantnot in serious way. I would ask him what is it that he wants then he will say you know what I want, don't pretend like you donthe says these things in playful way. He also said that he was going to go to his supper break but he wishes if I could come as well so we can just talk. Then he told me that he wanted to talk to me when I asked about what he was like you will know I never follow up with this and avoided him at the rest of the shift. He says these things when no one is around so I made sure I was with other co workers around afterwards

The thing is, he is old enough to be my father and is married. I know he might think these comments are harmless but they make me feel uncomfortable and weird. I want to tell him next time I work with him but I don’t want to make things awkward between us and I hate confrontation . I just want him to be professional. How can handle this? Does he have a crush on me despite being married?

I meant how can I tell my co worker to stop flirting with me?Unfortunately I cant edit the title as I made a typo :slight_smile:

2

Telling someone like this to stop is futile. They don’t hear your words AT ALL. All they hear is the fact that you addressed them and they take that as encouragement. Getting mad, humiliating them, insulting them-- none of that works. Telling him you’re uncomfortable-- he doesn’t care, in fact, it probably excites him.

The **only **thing that works is being completely non-responsive. That doesn’t mean ignoring him, because ignoring him pointedly is actually (ironically) a form of noticing. You can’t reason with him or make him understand, so don’t try. He will hear it as encouragement. In fact, your concern for his feelings may be (not inappropriately) interpreted by him as a sign that you care. I know you just want to be polite, but this man is being rude and needs the cold shoulder to get the message. However, if you see him outside of work, **DO **ignore him. I’m serious.

By non-responsive, I mean no comments, no conversation, no polite chit-chat, no talk about the weather… nothing. When he says, “How was your weekend?” with a big smile, you look right at him WITH NO SMILE so he knows you heard him, and SAY NOTHING. Then walk away. If you must, you can say, “excuse me,” as you walk away. The first time, you may say something clear but non-inflammatory, like, “I’m not going to talk to you any more.” No explanation is necessary, BTW. You don’t owe him an explanation or the time of day.

You don’t have to be overtly rude, like turning on your heel with a sniff and walking away… but you must cease to interact with him. Period. No compromise. And you have to stick with it. No wavering. No, “just this one time, and I’m sure he’ll listen.”

The only way to stop the interaction is to STOP INTERACTING. So you have to drop the rope at your end. When he tugs on the rope, he needs to find nothing but a limp thing in his hands (as it were).

His being older and married is irrelevant, except to the extent that he thinks that means he can get you do to his bidding. He can’t. You do not have to play this game with him (and to him it is a game).

JMHO. Good luck.

Older and wiser,
ThelmaLou

3

Talk to HR.

4

yep

5

No. **HR is not your friend. **

6

QFT.

If you report this to HR, then YOU are the problem, and HR will make it a top priority to get rid of you. Most often, this is how they work.

I agree with the “no interaction” advice. Or at least, as little as possible.

Irritating Co-Worker: “Hi there beautiful! How’s your car operating? Everything fine?”
You: “Fine.” (walk away)

Later:

ICW: “Hey how are things! I was just passing by!”
You: “I’m busy” (head down looking at work)
ICW: “Oh that’s not very nice!”
You: (head down, looking at work)

Eventually he’ll get it. Of course, he’ll probably tell everyone you’re a cold-hearted bitch and/or a lesbian to everyone, but they will simply know that you shot him down.

7

Maybe his girlfriend’s sick again, and he’ll stop once she gets better?

8

“Look, you’re old enough to be my father, and you’re married. Please don’t flirt with me any more.”

9

That’s a little rude,being as he did help her out once.

How about “Hey Dave, I know you’re a nice guy and you really helped me out, but people are starting to think you’re flirting with me, and of course you dont mean it that way, you know with our age difference and your wife and all. So please stop as I dont want the gossip to hurt you or get back to your wife.”

10

“Please dial that back. You’re making me uncomfortable. I liked it when you weren’t so flirty, can we just go back to that? Please.”

11

It is completely irrelevant that he was nice to her once. HE is being rude by pressing his attentions on her. HE is being socially awkward and discomfiting. She is not doing anything wrong.

OP, listen to ThelmaLou, Leaffan, and elbows.

12

He was really really nice and helped her out:*We became cool when he offered me a ride last winter because my car woudnt start .So he gave me and this other girl at work a lift then when he dropped me home ,he jump started my car and I was able to get the engine to turn over. *. Thus, she owes him to not be rude, at least on the first try.

13

The guy in that thread was the same age as the OP.

Who knew that LTC facilities were such a hotbed of…well, hot beds?

14

“I liked it when …” is a TOTAL FAIL. All he’s gonna hear is “I liked some past interaction with you; so keep fishing around for the right tone of voice or cute phrase and we’ll be a pair.”
As to no HR, it really depends on the company. Some will ignore this, others will side with the guy, others will fire the guy *then *consider whether asking any questions might have been a good idea. The only way to know is to do some discreet checking. So …

I suggest the OP ask some full time women at the job who’re about 5 years older than herself. What would they do in a general situation like this? What happened the last time they saw something like this with other workers?

And maybe even identify the problem guy. i.e. “What should I do about Mr. Jone’s unwelcome behavior?” They may say, “Don’t bother, he’s Teflon and you’ll get hosed.” They may also say “He’s been in trouble for this before and is on double secret probation. One more incident and he’s outta here. Lemme dial HR for you.”

15

I disagree. They are both adults. There is no need to involve anyone else in this, at the moment. He has been kind to her, when she needed assistance. She should now show him the kindness of keeping it between them, speaking directly and honestly that he’s making her uncomfortable, in my opinion. Giving him the opportunity to check his behaviour. This is how adults, with tact, often resolve issues, between themselves.

If that doesn’t work, then she can consider mentioning it to someone else. That’s my feeling anyway.

16

No, she really does not. She doesn’t owe him anything. He helped her, ostensibly out of the goodness of his heart, and she thanked him. Obligation over.

And by the way, telling someone who is being rude by behaving inappropriately at work to back off is not rude. It is the appropriate response.

17

No advice, but I am getting that it sucks to be a woman sometimes.

18

Demon HR person here weighing in.

Just to establish my bona fides, my company recently fired an executive who was both a relative of the location manager and a 20-year employee of the company because he was being sexually aggressive to a cleaning lady. HR isn’t always your enemy.

As others have said, the first step is to address the individual directly and say something like, “Your flirting is making me uncomfortable. Could we please go back to having a cordial working relationship?” More likely than not, he’ll get huffy and tell you you’ve misunderstood, but you and I and everyone else here know you didn’t. Give him a chance to act on what you’ve said. If he doesn’t, then it’s time to go to HR. If you don’t have a good relationship with your HR or don’t trust them (and yes, sadly, many of my colleagues have earned their rotten reputations), if your company has an EA (Employee Assistance) service, I’d advise giving them a call. They will take your complaint and convey it to your company without naming names. Also, it is wise to have a documented complaint on your part if you don’t want to go to HR. The EA service will provide that.

You can also go to either your supervisor or his supervisor, if you feel comfortable with either. Most companies require a supervisor to take such complaints seriously and there are steps that they are required to follow to investigate.

Has this individual ever crossed the line with you in front of a witness? Preferrably someone you know, rather than one of his cronies? If so, and if they are willing to state the same, it would be good to have them write down their impression of the incident, sign and date it.

You do NOT have to put up with being made uncomfortable in the workplace, no matter your status or lack thereof. Harassment rules and legislation are all driven by whether or not the complainant was made to feel uncomfortable, particularly after specifically asking for the behavior to stop.

19

Look, the guy is not necessarily an ogre, he may just be clueless. So I agree with elbows that you could give him one chance to dial it back, before escalating to other tactics. Be clear, don’t let him argue about what he didn’t mean, just say that you are not willing to be flirted with by him, or whatever works for you.

If that effort doesn’t work, by all means take your pick of the silent treatment *a la *ThelmaLou, or going to HR if you think that would be safe for you. You can even try those serially, silent treatment first and if that doesn’t work or if he escalates, then you could go to HR.

In my company, you would normally report such behavior either to his manager, or your manager (although it sounds like you don’t have one) or to HR. Any of those paths would, in my company, have gotten some results. Of course I can’t speak for the place where you work. Also, please know that if anyone asks you whether you have told the offender to stop, please know that you don’t have to do that first for your complaint to be legitimate. It’s only if you think he might be clueless that you might want to give him one chance to shape up before taking that step.

20

I wish I could give you advice. There’s an old guy where I work who I just wish would retire already, beause the only thing he seems to want to do is flirt and say inappropriate things to anyone who looks halfway female.

I used to thank him for his kind words and laugh off the inappropriate remarks. Now I roll my eyes. I don’t say “thank you”, or at least I don’t say “thank you” like I mean it. I don’t laugh. When he walks into my office to tell me how beautiful I am, I say “Tell me something I don’t know” without looking up from my computer.

It still hasn’t stopped, even though he acts all wounded and butthurt. But at least no one can accuse me of leading him on. I’m sure a bystander must think I’m a cold-hearted bitch, but my coworkers know that I’m dealing with a damn fool who no one takes seriously. I’m not obligated to be nice to someone like that. And neither are you.