A coworker and I developed a close relationship that we decided to explore because he was getting a divorce. After 6 months there wasn’t a divorce. When I questioned him about it he said that he coulnd’t go thru with it because his wife would take the kids away and move out of state and that would kill him.
He asked me to be his mistress but I said NO and broke off the relationship. This was 2 years ago. He is still harassing me (and yes we work together) This week alone he has blown me kisses when he leaves, darts his tongue in and out of his mouth slowly when I am talking and informed me that he came driving by my house last Saturday. He sends me emails and he always brings the conversation to sex when we are talking.
He is a manager.
I have told him flat out I am not attracted to him and I am not available to him but he says “sure” and laughs.
I am afraid to go to HR because he has some stories and letters I have written him that he has kept on his pc. I don’t want to be embaressed.
I don’t know what to do.
He ALWAYS tries to engage me in conversation of ANY type just to talk to me.
First and foremost: Do NOT blame yourself. This guy is taking advantage of his position, and even if you simply find another job without saying anything, he will still be free to do this to someone else.
Second: Go to HR. Yes, he has some letters. Embarrassing. But not the end of the world. HR is required to keep all of those things confidential. Dated from when? Two years ago? Have you sent anything recently?
Tell them everything. Explain in detail. By doing this, you are essentially pulling his teeth. He has nothing left to hold over you.
If he releases those letters to anyone but HR he is FIRED.
Third: You might want to consider looking for another position. Although you are in the right, you may still not feel comfortable staying at the company when this is all over.
Good luck. Remember: he’s counting on your fear. Be strong.
Maybe better a little embarrassment now than continued harrassment down the road. Maybe the first step is to tell him that any firther incidents will result in you reporting him. Start documenting his harrassing behaviour as it happens, so you have a log or a diary of it to show to the HR people. If anyone else in your workplace knows about this, see if they would be willing to support your complaint.
Remember, unless your company has a specific policy against intra-office dating (i’m not sure how legal such a policy would be), you’ve done nothing wrong. You went out with this guy because you believed he was about to be divorced from his wife, and when you found out that he was staying with her you dropped him.
In future, it might be best not to get your meat from the same place you get your bread.
I think you should go to HR. Just because you had a relationship once doesn’t mean that he’s not harassing you. Keep a log of everything he does over the next couple of weeks that bothers you, as well as printouts of any inappropriate emails he’s sent. He needs someone besides you to tell him to lay off, since he’s obviously not getting the message.
As to being embarrassed by the stuff you’ve written that he’s kept: if he wants to keep his wife, he’s damn sure not going to bring up anything that shows he is or ever was unfaithful. Even if he does show the stuff, it’s not going to be news to anyone - all your coworkers already know that you has something going with him a couple years ago.
Or, if you want to avoid that entirely, just send copies any any inappropriate emails to his wife. That’ll get him mad at you, but he’ll probably stop bugging you about sex.
The letters and stories are from two years ago. But anyone can manipulate dates.
He wrote me an email and said “you should really come read this story you wrote in my office and then we can check and see who gets the most wet” ARRRRRRRRRRRGH I HATE THIS GUY
One of the things that irks me the most is that he feels the need to engage me in conversation all the time. The other morning he asked me for a stapler and I handed him one. He said “thanks” and I didn’t say anything. So then he said “Your welcome Chris” and again I just ignored him.
Start sending him emails telling him you are not interested in dating him, and that you realize that your past actions with him were a mistake. Keep the email copies. Just a suggestion.
One possibility would be to go to HR, tell them about the situation and suggest some mediation-based solution. In other words, don’t try to threaten to go straight to the highest court about it. You are right to fear that the past relationship will influence opinions–people tend to see it as a personal problem, rather than a gender-based problem, which is a requirement in a lot of harassment decisions.
If you come across as seeking a solution that is as “fair” as possible to all parties, you stand a better chance of getting him to leave you alone. The fact that he is married will weigh heavily against him in any kind of informal hearing, I’m willing to bet.
Go to HR. He can manipulate dates on printed forms, but he can’t change the date/time stamps when the computer processed them. He is sexually harrassing you and he needs to be stopped.
I would suggest that you not hide any significant details from HR. Tell them about the original affair and the original e-mails, just so that there are no surprises in any open meetings that make you look bad. The fact that he has continued for two years after you broke off places the clear blame for the current situation on him.
The only caution I would provide would be in regards to corporate culture. If it is a good ol’ boy company that will fire you for “tempting” one of their managers, then you may need to get an outside lawyer. On the other hand, if he is harrassing you after two years, it is quite likely that he is also harrassing other women. Ask around, discreetly, and if you find that he has been doing this to several employees, go as a group.
That’s certainly the simple, easy way to look at it. Or you could try to solve your own personal problem (which you had a hand in creating) without bringing in the lawyers. Just my 2 cents.
Run like hell to HR. Tell them EVERYTHING. If you leave out any details and he can prove you aren’t credible then you will be the one to suffer.
Stop all contact with him other than what you must do in relation to your job.
The next time he says something inappropriate to you, remark LOUDLY so others can hear you that you don’t appreciate his comments and you want him to leave you alone. I bet that will help shut him up.
STAY away from him.
And if it is at all possible, find a new job. I don’t think it is fair but it might be the best thing for you.
You’ve already told him in no uncertain terms that you’re not interested. Now it’s time to get HR involved. Tell them the history of the relationship. Start keeping a detailed journal, including dates and times, logging every time he says or does anything inappropriate.
No, this is the perfect time to bring HR into this; this is the sort of situation that they’re trained to handle. This is no longer her “own personal problem”; this is a work problem. Thus, HR.
Sounds like harrasment, plain and simple. People have been canned for less. The above advice is good, IMHO. Tell HR you’ve got a problem with the assclown.
Besides, it’s to the point of creepy if he is cruising by your house.
So, losing his children would kill him, but that isn’t enough to stop him from cheating on his wife followed by stalking and harrassing you for two whole fucking years?
Are they putting cognative dissonance directly into the water now??
Just go ahead and let the shit hit the fan. This dude needs a serious karmic wake-up call.
If you’ve already survived two years of humiliation at his hands I think that a few moments of embarassment while dealing with HR will be like a walk in the park.
And please, don’t ever wait two years again… you deserve more self-respect than that.
If you work in a small office can we assume your HR department is small as well? Are you worried about how you are going to look in the eyes of others? Are you worried about losing your job over this?
I must say, even with an e-trail of saying no to this guy, the company may not want this kind of thing going on and decide to get rid of you both.
I hate sounding pessimistic as I am the epitomy of “glass is half full” kind of a guy, but the cards are stacked against you.
Other peoples comments are spot on as well, you should think about going to HR immediately to stop the problems with this leech…Otherwise it’s only going to continue right?
How about telling him that if he doesn’t knock it off, you may just have a little chat with his * wife *! That should cool his jets real quick, if it serves to turn things ugly, then go to HR.