If you tell his wife and you still have to see him everyday at work that IMO is not a good thing. Then you go from an annoying ass to a pissed off, vindictive annoying ass.
But…you might tell him that if he can’t control himself that you will call up his wife and see how he responds.
I hate to break it to you, but if I were you I would pull out the wanted ads and have a back up plan regardless.
You don’t need this kind of environment.
Good luck.
well, several thoughts –
you’re assuming that saying anything to his wife will make some sort of difference. there’s a distinct possibility that she knows, at some level or other, that he can’t keep it zipped … but she’s not willing to end the marriage regardless. or that she’ll believe him when he lies like a rug and swears that it’s all you running after him and he just can’t seem to shake you.
anyone suggesting that you deal with this yourself has obviously never heard of the anti-sexual harassment policies that are mandatory in most places of employment nowadays. THIS IS PRECISELY WHAT THOSE POLICIES ARE SUPPOSED TO PREVENT AND/OR DEAL WITH. and he is most definitely harassing you, even in the most simplistic readings of the situation: him manager; you underling; him want sex; you don’t; him still pestering.
the fact that he’s cruising by your house is getting into stalker territory. given the harrassment angle as well, if you DON’T go to HR, i’d say you’re just asking to eventually become some sort of notation in your local police blotter.
and i believe there are legal repercussions for companies that arbitrarily fire people when they bring up allegations of sexual harrassment in the workplace. by all means, though, get that log of events going, so you’ll have solid evidence in hand … either to present to HR, or use against them if they try to be neolithic asshats about the situation. get backup testimony from anyone you can.
I did not say tell his wife, I said tell him that you will if he doesn’t knock it off, then if he starts getting angry along with all the rest of his adolescent behavior then go to HR. Better yet have your lawyer call HR.
Go to HR. If they let you BOTH go, then you have a case on your hands.
Sexual harassment and stalking are both illegal.
Another random bit of advice that needs to be added: make sure it’s really clear to him that you want rid of him. Yes, it should be obvious, but saying In case it’s not clear, you have treated me and your family abominably and I want nothing more to do to you beyond a civil working relationship. Please do not proposition me, go to my house, engage me in conversation, or make inuendo to, or about, me. I do not want to go to HR about this, but I will if you force me to makes sure he has no excuses to himself or anyone else. Then you have a good excuse to go to HR when he ignores it. If necessary repeat the message with ‘police’ in place of ‘HR’.
Orlando huh? The market may be difficult but you do not nee to be in the situation you are in. I’d grab the want ads and start looking, and if worse comes to worse quite when you find something good.
This is why companies have had to institute “anti-dating” policies and continue to get involved in our personal affairs. People like this ruin it for anyone.
Please do not write a note or forward e-mail from this guy to his wife. Do not try to solve this problem through her. He will use that contact plus the stories and letters you have written him to paint you as the crazed stalker.
The very best first step to take is to consult a lawyer. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you will pursue legal action (although you should consider it, especially since he has driven to your house) – you just need some advice. Make sure you understand what exactly constitutes sexual harassment, what the penalties are for him and your company, and what kind of evidence you need. Ask your lawyer about the best way to approach HR. If your company turns out to be the type that will try to protect itself by firing both of you, your lawyer will be able to advise you on how to protect yourself from that before you even make the first move. Even if legal action is the absolute furthest possibility from your mind, some free consultation will help your situation mightily.
Beyond that, your only choices are to put up with it, look for a different place of employment, or to fight it head on in the most straightforward manner possible. Your fear of embarassment is his weapon – if you try to half-ass your way around the problem without facing it he will only grow more confident. Any threats or quiet deals between the two of you are only tools for him to use to paint you as the love-struck psycho or to prove that you have a mutually consentual relationship.
As for fear of embarassment – you’ll most likely find the self-confidence you gain in standing up to this creep far outweighs any self-image hit you get from him revealing details of a two-year-old relationship. Everybody and their brother has written love letters or dirty stories or whatever you’ve done that you’re embarassed about, but not everybody has the courage to stand up to such a bully. You will find that more people admire you for your courage than snicker at your past indiscretions (sp), including yourself.
Consult a lawyer to help find the most effective path to alleviating this situation, and take it. This guy is slime!
Hear Hear!
He is using you and the fact that a) the job market isn’t that great in Orlando and knows you might have a hard time finding a new job. b) Knowing that you have a child and need financial security c) Is playing on your good girl side thinking you won’t want to shake the boat since he is a manager.
This guy is a physco (sp?) He is harrassing you pure and simple because he knows you will not do anything about it because you need your job. Do not try to go through the Wife to resolve it. It will get messy, worst than going through HR, because you will come off as a stalker/loon/crazy person. Go through HR. If you get fired because he has more pull than you, it is better than living with an untenable situation, isn’t it? Or, are you a insane?
There are other jobs out there. Start saving up a stash of emergency cash and ask family and friends to help you out for a short duration - two weeks to a month- just in case. I doubt it will go to that. But, document everything he does and says.
Also, I bet he never really considered divorce. It was probably a cock and bull story just to get into your panties.
Did he work with someone (A woman) before you came along? Can you track that person down to ask some questions without telling exactly why?
Dating a married man, unless they are living in seperate housing, cannot be a good thing ever.
This guy is a dirtbag and needs to be flushed out.
Good luck.
This is sexual harassment plain and simple. You told him no repeatedly and he has continued the behavior. Defintely tell HR.
However, the next time you tell him to knock it off, you might not want to mention the possibilty of you going to HR. He might decide to turn the tables on you and go to them first with his version of events.
Good luck to you whatever you decide to do.
The law is totally on your side. No matter what you may have done in the past, you always have the right to say no at any time. He does not have the right to coerce you or to harrass you. If you can afford it, talk to a lawyer. My bet is one will talk to you on the phone for free and then advise you on whether you need his services any further. He will also be able to advise you of how to procede and he will help you frame your approach to HR. Do not accept this treatment, you do not have to.
Luck to you.
It sounds like he’s stalking you. Definitely tell someone about it. Most importantly, he shouldn’t be allowed to do that to you. Also, many offices prefer people to follow protocol. So my suggestion would be to go through the “proper” channels first (i.e., HR) so you at least have an official record of his behavior.
That sort of behavior not only affects your work experience, but it can lead to more dangerous behavior. I know I sound paranoid, but I had something similar happen to me, and I wish to this day that I had reported it. It’ll be tough at first when you do tell someone, but if you have a good HR department, they’ll be objective. Even if you’re HR department isn’t so objective, they’ll have an official record that they will be required by law to disclose should you have to take further action.
Send him an email with what Shade said earlier, but create very specific consequences for very specific actions. I.e.
The email aspect of that last is important. At this point it’s about a) making what he needs to do crystal clear, and
b) creating and building a trail of evidence.
I second what CrazyMonkey said about seeing a lawyer. Bring along alll copies of correspondence between the two of you and your company’s employee manual. Follow your attorneys advice from there.
As for the stalking. The best thing I can think of is to tell him (in documentable fashion) flat out that you do not want a relationship with him. Then disengage. It sounds like he’s getting some twisted thrill out of your reaction to him. Any contact with you just reinforces his desire to get some kind of reaction from you.
The next time he contacts you in an inappropriate manner, send him a note saying you do not appreciate or desire any such conduct. You will not have a relationship with him. Keep that for your files.
Then, do not contact or respond to him unless you have to for work-related reasons. He sends you a personal email, save it for your files but do not respond. He leaves you a voicemail, do not respond (but save it if you can).
Of course, you do have to respond to work-related correspondence, but not to anything of a personal nature.
Harassers count on you remaing silent. As soon as HR brings it up to him, he’ll know he cant pull this shit anymore.
BTW, no HR would be stupid enough to fire a woman bringing a harassment charge to them.
Spooje, what do you mean? Plenty of HR companies would be stupid enough to fire a woman bringing harassment charges to them.
She’s a single mom. She’s worried about the job market where she lives. This all says “I don’t have the money for a long legal fight.”
Isabelle, I would take what you have now to a lawyer, so that if things come to a head you have someone to back you up. Then I would tell the pig, very clearly and very politely, that this has to stop so that you can go on working together.
I hope it will all blow over.
This gets into illegal, and dangerous territory.
Anything saved on his computer that isn’t work related CAN get him in trouble if it is a company computer (in some states).
Is everything on your computer backed up to his, and his to yours? Are your computers networked? Can you save all the business stuff, yet fry his computer/hard drive so that your past stories, etc. are not there anymore? Virus, flood, nail file to hard drive, a couple of cans of sugar sweetened soda and a big jar of ants?
Look for another job. If you get out, DO tell HR about it all. There may be a pattern that they are not aware of, but may suspect.
And if you go to HR and they ask why you waited so long ,tell them about your fear of retribution. If HE asks why you waited so long, tell him that you were unaware that he really wanted you to expose his shortcomings in ANY way. (Yes, that was meant as innuendo. Men tend to HATE it when you use the word shortcomings in reference to anything sexual. Oh, well.))
I would rather tell the guy that if he doesn’t stop you are going to talk to HR about him.
Evidence trail or not, I would NOT send him an email spelling out your objections to his personal behavior to you.
You would be sending personal communications over company property, and theoretically subject to punishment. If you feel you must send something, it should all be couched in terms of what is appropriate or not appropriate in the workplace.