So my boss just spent the better part of a conversation just casually dropping sexist remarks. Commenting on how one female worker who keeps swapping between departments is the “Workplace Slut” as if that was the most normal thing in the world (it was a joke about her switching departments, not about her sex life, but that doesn’t make it better), remarking how another female employee would look great behind the front desk of the company, and finishing off by remarking unsubtly that it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to spend a day doing something we didn’t want to do with one particular female employee (because she’s attractive), then contrasting that with a different female employee and disparaging her looks.
I… honestly don’t know how to respond to that. There’s an organizational body in our company responsible for dealing with issues like this, but I don’t feel comfortable complaining about my boss to them. There aren’t any women in my department, so I’m complaining on someone else’s behalf; someone else who doesn’t actually exist. It’s making me uncomfortable, but I can’t really afford to lose face by complaining about that.
I just don’t know how to handle this at all. Do I have a responsibility to speak up and call him on this shit?
Yes, you have the same responsibility to speak out as if you saw him fiddling the books, sneaking inventory out or tampering with safety guards.
You are an employee, as is Your boss, and you are presumably obliged to take reasonable steps to stop your company’s reputation, credibity, and bottom line being compromised or trashed by a jerk (or Mr Jerk if he prefers).
Whether you go to HR or talk to him, man-to-pathetic shadow of a man, depends on your relationship and whether you feel you might be victimised. But, it’s unlikely his behaviour will improve by itself, and it sounds like the sort of thing no company should tolerate, either for the right ethical reasons or purely out of self interest.
According to the online ethics/bullying/harassment courses that my employer makes us do, yes you should report the behaviour. In reality, it depends. I think the key point is that it makes YOU feel uncomfortable. Forget all that shit about complaining on behalf of some unknown other, if it makes you feel uncomfortable then you are complaining on behalf of you.
What’s the relationship like between you? Can you let him know it’s not ok in a light hearted way that won’t cause issues? “Ya know Bob, we’re not living in the 1950s anymore”, or “hey, you remind me of my last boss, he got fired for being sexist prick!”, or just “when you say things like that it makes me feel uncomfortable.”
Just incase, I was not clear, yes of course the cause is someone in the chain of command making the OP uncomfortable, there is probably not much recourse the objects of speculation have, unless he has said it to their face.
If this is his attitude, then how likely is it he will be the soul of rectitude and proper behavior when there IS a woman in your group?
If nothing else, you owe it to that future hypothetical woman to speak up.
And if you’re uncomfortable, then that alone is an equally valid reason to speak.
I dislike the rhetorical technique of labeling such things “rape culture.” But it’s fair to say that letting these kinds of comments pass unremarked contributes to a certain “toxic culture,” which we all have a responsibility to eliminate.
Good for you for taking this seriously. I’m sure there are guidelines in the company manuals on how to report it, it may be possible to report it anonymously if you are worried about retaliation.
Are you enough of a star in your field that you could get another job easily? In theory, no one can do anything to retaliate against you if you complain. In theory.
(disclaimer: I’ve worked my entire life for small businesses, with about 5 employees.
So anything I claim to know about corporate culture is only from reading the Dope, where we have had many similar threads.)
And what I have learned from the Dope is :
HR does not exist to help you. It exists to serve the needs of the company.
If you complain, it may be necessary to fire someone.
And they will fire the person who is least important to the company.
Who is more important to the company–you, or your boss?
Do not confront him unless you’re prepared to deal with the fallout. Anyone who is this clueless is not going to have an epiphany because you talk to him. He’s going to react just like you think someone like this would react–defensively and with spite. There’s no positive outcome for you and lots of negative ones.
Send an anonymous letter (on paper in an envelope) to HR letting them know about this behavior and keep a copy for yourself. It will start a paper trail for when other people also complain about him. Say that he often objectifies women and speaks about them in a derogatory fashion. Don’t include details which could identify that conversation or you specifically.
If you don’t want to go through the whole reporting this to HR thing, just take the high road. If he comes up with these comments while speaking with you, just go quiet with a pained expression until there’s a pause, and just say, “You know, I like a joke now and then, but this isn’t really fair talking about Cindy (or whoever) like this. She’s a nice person, and she could get hurt if this sort of talk gets around.” Then change the subject.
A couple of exchanges like this, and he should at least get the message that you don’t approve. And will back off.
Unless he really is a total jerkwad. Then, you go to HR.
You can always say “Excuse me, sir, but those are sexist remarks.” For extra credit, add " . . . and nowadays, they are considered to be judicially actionable, which will not turn out well for you."
I’m a trainee. I’m legally quite hard to fire, but my position in the company is not great. Which is what bugs me so much about comments like chappachula’s and Shodan’s. People like my boss, too, so it’s not like he’s Roger Ailes or something. I’ll try mentioning it the next time it happens. Maybe tell him he’s sounding a bit like Trump.
Look for another job. It may not be easy to get another job, you may not even want another job if it’s just one person and otherwise the company is fine to work for, but it’s still a step you have to take. First of all, things could get worse and you may not want to stay. Secondly you would find out if there are better alternatives for you. If you do have to make the tough decision and try to do something about clearly bad behavior, and not just socially bad, not just bad for you, but bad for the company because they could end up getting sued and also lose valuable employees, if you have to make that tough decision to take a risk and act on principle at the risk of your job then you need to prepare for that possibility starting now.
After that, how much of this can you tolerate? I would have spoken up already but I’m in a comfortable position, I know such behavior wouldn’t be tolerated where I work, and even if I was risking my job, even if there weren’t alternatives, I could ride it out because I’m close enough to retirement. This would be an agonizing decision to make at other points in my life. I’ve made decisions on principle in the past that affected my livelihood, but the options were still there. I have to wonder how much integrity I could maintain in a worse position. I hope the OP can do what he seems to know he should, but I understand and appreciate his caution.
He may not consider “sounding like Trump” as a negative thing. “Dang right I do! He’s the only candidate who speaks the truth and I’m proud to be associated with him. Now, let me tell you a little about the blacks…”
I’ll try mentioning it the next time it happens. Maybe tell him he’s sounding a bit like Trump.