Since you’re a trainee (male, I assume?) and it sounds like he’s only making these remarks to very small groups that don’t include women, my advice is to just look mildly pained or bored when he says these things, but don’t raise the issue.
If you had a long, and very good, relationship with the boss, you could maybe point out that he’s being a sexist pig (I’d opt for something like ‘Dude, what is this “Mad Men”?’), but only if you really trust your relationship with him.
If he was doing anything more than private remarks, for instance making those kinds of remarks in front of women (especially the women being remarked on), or showing a pattern of favoritism (against women, or for hot women and against ones he thinks are ugly), then it’s different: my advice is to immediately start (secretly) documenting everything he says/does and suss out your next options (going to HR, privately telling the women that you’d be happy to be a witness if they complain, privately telling boss’s boss, etc.).
But saying this kind of thing in a one-on-one conversation with another man is, IMHO, obviously not ideal, but not worth taking on your boss over.
If you are a trainee, you need to first find out if the HR department in that company can be trusted-there are some that are used to weed out “troublemakers” like you. if it looks like they are on the up-and-up, they will want a recorded pattern of behavior. Write down what was said, when it was said, where, and who else was present. The more incidents you have down, the stronger case you have. Don’t act upset-act concerned for company’s rep if the wrong people overhear.
How long have you been in the corporate environment? I’m guessing not long. Unless there’s a way you can sue for a lot of damages, there’s no way this ends well for you if you bring this forward in a public way. Word will get around and you will be subtly marginalized. It’s not malicious–it’s just human nature. Other managers will worry that you’re a trouble maker and will be looking to report them if they do anything wrong.
It’s good to fight the moral fight, but in the real world there won’t be a reward for it. If you confront him, he’ll be looking for ways to legitimately get rid of you so that you don’t report him. If you report him, he’ll get a talking to by HR (and be cranky about it) and you’ll be reassigned to a new dept (and the new mgr will know why). Eventually there will be a reorg or something and they’ll let you go.
Whatever you decide to do, be sure you consider the real world implications rather than the idealized outcome.
Even if HR is solely focused on the needs of the company, one of those company needs is to avoid having a messy sexual harassment suit brought by women employees.
A head’s-up that a manager is in the habit of making sexually charged comments about specific women employees is something HR should want to know about, to take action before it blows up and the lawsuit starts.
Unless you think he’s exceptionally retaliatory, I’d just casually say “I don’t feel comfortable with the comments,” couched in whatever words you can use to make it sound more like a suggestion and less than a criticism. Hopefully just pointing it out to him is enough to make him rethink his attitudes. The problem with this approach is that if it doesn’t work, you’ve taken the possibility of making a confidential complaint to HR off the table.
Exactly. The idea that I shouldn’t be bothered by something not directed at me is bullshit.
You know, in nearly a decade of working with abuse victims, I am amazed how easily people come up with excuses not to report. Men and women, talking about “rape culture” and feminist cause de jour; but ask them to actually convince a victim to report a crime? All of a sudden excuse come thick and fast.
I am not the OP. I have no idea how s/he feels. I do know this. Not reporting is never a good idea, and the best way to stop it is to report. And what is described is not ambiguous or misconstrued, like using a term like “honey or dear” or a bump in a crowded elevator. Its fairly clearly, talking about specific employees and what you would like to do with them sexually.
I have been in my share of male-dominated workplaces, and some of the talk ws crude to the extreme, but talking that way aboit a specific person? Would get you in deep do doo.
I highlighted the word ‘should’ there. What HR departments, and companies in general should do and what they actually do are often different. The OP has reason to be cautious.
Instead of getting your pants all in a bunch, try sending a friendly message with less confrontational language by making a joke of it. i.e. “Oh, is it casual inappropriate comment Friday, already? Aren’t those usually followed by HR workplace sensitivity training Mondays?”
If that doesn’t send a clear message, start documenting.
In any circumstance, the last thing I would try to do is to get the guy fired or otherwise severely impacted. He needs to be brought to understand the way things are nowadays in the workplace, so he can be advised and allowed to sort out is own issues reflectively. Basically, to kep his mouth shut, no matter what he thinks. Saying what one thinks is no longer countenanced in what your America has become, but it might have been in his. Some people just don’t pick up on social vibes without a nudge.
This would be trickier than just complaining, but one thing I’ve heard other people say they’ve done in your place is to just not understand what the person is implying, and ask them to explain. If someone says a sexist joke or remark and instead of laughing or ignoring it, you act like you don’t understand what they are saying and they have to break it down, it will make some people think about what they are actually saying. Or at the very least they might stop saying those things around you because you’re no fun.
Not an ideal solution, and probably a bit passive aggressive, but maybe an option if you feel like you can’t report him.
This is the saddest thread I have read in a long time. Yes, it is possible that speaking up about inappropriate comments could have negative consequences for the person speaking up. But where does that leave us? In a world where the Donald Trumps, and anyone else who is sexist, racist, homophobic, or otherwise behaving unacceptably in the workplace continues to think that their behavior is O.K., and others witnessing get the message that no one will stand up to stop it?
My personal experience: I have twice experienced a boss making sexist comments that I found totally inappropriate. The first time, with a boss who was generally a nice guy, I told him directly that I found the comments offensive. He apologized, with an “I just come from a different era” excuse, but to his credit, he never again made those comments where I could hear them.
The second guy was a horrible, mean guy, and I went ahead and reported him to HR. A few days later I was called in by his boss to explain the comments he made and the circumstances. I never heard anything further, and the guy continued to work there for a number of years, but at least I had my objections on the record, and HR had them noted.
I am a woman, but just because you are a guy doesn’t mean you don’t have a responsibility to speak out and prevent Donald Trump-style “locker room talk”. I would advise you to either speak directly to the guy next time, if that feels comfortable to you, or report him to HR. Maybe it will have negative repercussions for you. But maybe you will make a better workplace environment for everyone, and prevent women in your company from being demeaned and treated like objects, whether they know it or not.
As a trainee I don’t think you have a lot of power or leverage right now to make a fuss about this and you would likely lose your job if not immediately, somewhere not too far down the line. You will certainly be able to hurt him if you complain to HR but, fair or not, without a woman in the mix your complaint is not likely to have as high an impact.
Flip it around. Let’s say a female trainee called HR because her female boss was calling other female works bitches and sluts. It’d be a talking to at most for the offender and she (the trainee) would have a mortal enemy in the organization.
It’s not fair personally or professionally, but complaining about this as a man I don’t see a good ending for you in this scenario if you want to get more aggressive than disapproving silence. If it’s intolerably offensive quit and nuke him on the way with a letter to corporate.
I would go with the ever popular “Excuse me?” or “I am sorry, what did you say?” or “Why would you say that?” in completely flat tones. These make the person think about what they’ve just said without you accusing them of a single thing.
I’d do this. Maybe make a joke like “You’d never be able to run for office if a tape of these comments was ever found!”. Or just use the technique of playing dumb, and ask him to explain what he means. But that’s less honest; you’re not telling him that these comments are sexist and disturb you.
The OP’s info that there are no women in this boss’s department seems more than coincidental (unless it’s a really small department).
You could always record such remarks, and then leave copies of the tape on the desks of the women mentioned, with an anonymous note “our office security system recorded this conversation, which may be of interest to you ladies”. Then they (or their husbands/boyfriends) would attend to the matter.
Just joking there … I think.
Learn to be assertive. Search google.com for assertiveness training.
Ask your doctor’s office if they can refer you to someone who can give you assertiveness training, ask at your local county mental health clinic, or ask a private counselor - found in the phone directory under counseling, psychologists, or mental health.
Being assertive…
(Repeat same words over and over.)
Do not grab me in my p####, I don’t like it!
Do not grab me in my p####, I don’t like it!
Do not grab me in my p####, I don’t like it!
Being aggressive…
Smack boss across face with the your hand.