To some men, it is not a big deal. As for myself, fine touch me all over, hit on me, I LIKE IT!..
But for many women, this is QUITE different! They DON’T like it, feel violated. And yes in many cases like they have been raped.
You have a responsibility to the company, yes, but you also have a responsibility to yourself. I am currently working on a giant file of how we are dealing with the issues of “harmful and inappropriate sexual behaviour” and I recommend the tact of being oblivious (as recommended above).
Example:
“Office slut…”
“I’m sorry, did you just say ‘office slut’? What do you mean by that?” of something like that.
This will show that you are not accepting of the comment nor do you find it funny. I am all about fighting the good fight and generally don’t hesitate to go toe to toe if I have to, but you are not me and are, apparently, a trainee. You don’t have to champion every battle if you’re not able to/confident in speaking up.
I would probably not report it to HR based only on what’s in the OP. I would try to find a way (during the original conversation) to say something like “I don’t really find that funny” or “It’s not fair to make a person’s appearance so important.”
Why on earth would you ask a physician to recommend someone to give you assertiveness training?
Now, if you mean Cognitive Behavioral Therapy designed to improve self-esteem, yes, I could see how that might require a referral to a psychologist. But nobody is suggesting the OP requires therapy. Or has low self-esteem.
And I think there’s a big damn difference between being a passive doormat and not shooting yourself in the career foot when you are still only a trainee and have not acquired any power or influence in the company yet. I am not convinced the OP’s problem is lack of assertiveness.
It is called a “referral”!
Primary Care Physicians can refer patients for all sorts of different things including educational mental health related programs… Classes on diabetes, drug treatment, gambling addiction, to specialists, to psychologists, to cardiologists, to a foot doctor, to a surgeon, and on and on and on!
Actually many specialists will not see you without a referral from your doctor!
Following is additional information for you to learn about this…
What is a Referral and Why Do I Need One?
http://www.tuftsmedicarepreferred.org/members/using-your-plan/what-referral-and-why-do-i-need-one
Yeah but, assertiveness training isn’t something you need a referral for.
Nor is it necessarily called for here. :dubious:
Some people consider a handshake equivalent to rape. Some people probably consider a meeting of eyes to be a terrible threat. I don’t think it’s reasonable to base the rules on the worst-case statistical outlier.
Sexist comments are bad, but they’re not as bad as rape. There have to be shades between black and white here.
It isn’t always easy to assign ‘worse than’ labels to everything (is murder worse than rape? - I don’t know that I’m sure), but the case being discussed here is not like that.
Sexist comments are bad. The OP is in a difficult situation where doing the right thing might not only incur a significant personal cost, but may also be completely ineffective in addressing the problem.
IMO… find another job, then maybe mention the sexist comments in an exit interview as contributory to a reason for leaving.
Ugh, sorry you’re in this situation, but you have to take care of number one. This is not the hill to die on.
HR will not help you one bit; the only thing they are interested in is not getting sued. You are not a protected class and the mere act of drawing attention to yourself could have repercussions.
Maybe try something like ‘Easy there, Donald’ or ‘Do I look like Billy Bush to you?’ And when/if the inevitable ‘People are too PC’ shitstorm starts, just smile and shrug.
One downside to confronting him directly in any manner is that if he gets ever gets written up anonymously or called into HR, he may assume it’s because of you. If you’re the only one who called him on his behavior, he may incorrectly assume you’re the only one who is offended by it and submitted the complaint.
Several previous responders have suggested documenting the matter and maintaining documents. I’ll add a +1 on that advice and encourage you to start your journal with a detailed version of your original post. If/when you feel the time is right, you’ll be able to submit a copy along with your complaint.
Also, I’ll add something others haven’t yet mentioned which might not be obvious:
DON’T STORE YOUR DOCUMENTATION AT WORK.
If you are de-employed – whether or not it occurs in relation to this complaint – you will no longer have access to the company’s data storage, filing system, etc.
–G!
Out of curiosity for all the doper HR mavens out there has there ever been a documented HR case like this where a man has complained to HR about another man’s language regarding crude remarks made about women?