Would you date someone with a condition that made it so they could not be 100% independent? Not someone in a vegetative state or anything like that. The above couple, I think, both are independent. But what about someone who:
Has trouble with reading comprehension and so might need help making since of something?
Can’t do basic math and so might need help with measuring, making change, etc?
Visual, auditory or sensory issues that might make it hard for them to navigate the world? ie: Autism, Sensory Integration Disorder, etc.
It depends on the person. None of those things are dealbreakers in and of themselves. Heck, I need help with basic math myself sometimes. I’m also an introvert, so I don’t need someone who is a social butterfly.
However, I do value someone who has basic social skills, a sense of humor and can carry on a conversation about current events or whatnot. Someone without those abilities is probably not the right person for me to date.
I have a friend whose husband has dyslexia. She has to read just about anything above 3rd grade level to him. However they seem to be a happy couple, so I think it can work out.
I would have to. I have not heard of many people on earth who are 100% independent and they spend nearly their entire live trying to survive and are unlikely to have time to date.
My father once said “Never date a woman whose problems are worse than yours”. I think it applies here.
I wanted a partner, not a dependent. Obviously it would depend on the level of disability, but a lot of neurotypical people have trouble dealing with the problems of adult life, and I wouldn’t be interested in them either.
I wouldn’t. I have actually already faced a form of this decision.
I was dating, for a short time, two different women who did not drive. They were nice people, the both, but that’s a serious limitation to me. I hope they met nice guys who don’t care about that. Or, learned to drive.
Nope. Too voracious a reader to live with someone who’s not a good bit of a reader herself. Fortunately, my wife reads even more constantly than I do, especially since the Internet came along, and there are people who are wrong on the Internet.
Total deal breaker. If I wasn’t already married to a woman who has a M.S. in math, I’m sure I could be happy with someone whose math education ended in high school. But she’d have to have at least a decent basic math sense in order to not drive me bonkers.
I’d have to say no. I don’t necessarily like that about myself, but there it is. I’ve taken intimate, long-term care of too many ill people in my family over the years to ever willingly walk into that situation again. Were I to marry again and something were to happen to my spouse, that’s different. I take the ‘in sickness and in health’ thing seriously. But no, I would not intentionally date a person with serious issues.
The perception that I wouldn’t be 100% independent in a potential relationship has no doubt led to dating difficulties (I use a wheelchair). But it’s just a perception and it’s entirely incorrect. Unfortunately, there isn’t a convenient way to broadcast this information to potential romantic partners both prior to and upon meeting.
I’m not a fan of cooking but I love to eat. So a person who is a superb enough cook woud be attractive to me, even if they had certain intellectual weaknesses. In other words, a person who is an assemblage of weaknesses wouldn’t be attractive. But possessing a couple of big strengths could brighten the picture.
I don’t think I’d be attracted to someone who is in need of a caretaker. Now, if they already have a dedicated caretaker (a hired nurse or personal assistant), that’s one thing. It’s also another thing if they were at one time fully independent and then we got together and shit happened. But an individual who is essentially looking for someone to take care of them would be more likely to ellicit feelings of pity/sympathy from me than romantic interest.
I kind of feel guilty saying no, because everybody needs love, but no. My youngest son has autism and although he is high-functioning and talks and everything, he has pretty major executive functioning problems, like he needs to be told all of the rules of basic living every single day. I estimate that the stress of caring for him has taken 7 years off of my life. Just kidding. Kind of. But I do envision him living independently some day, and I won’t be filling my days then with another challenging person- rather, on the beach, sipping mai tais. Or just living relatively normally, relatively stress-free. Whatever.
That’s my philosophy on it. I don’t expect everyone to be perfect, and people generally have some baggage and/or limitations, so I wouldn’t expect to find someone who is literally 100% independent. But my life goal is not to sacrifice my own happiness for someone else’s sake, and there are plenty of people who will be positive in my life. If someone needs a bit of help sometimes, or if they need a shoulder to cry on that’s normal. But if I’m going to be spending most of my energy most days keeping things functional for them or us, I’m just not interested.
Yes, I would date someone who couldn’t be fully independent, but the precise nature of the disability would strongly dictate what was acceptable.
In general, physical disabilities I can cope with. I’m not a mountain-biking, cliff-climbing, football-playing kind of guy anyway. Let’s sip cocoa and play a game of Scrabble. I don’t even mind being a caretaker as long as we can have a full and rich emotional relationship. I would have to draw the line at someone who was totally dependent, but I’ve known a blind person and a paralyzed person who were both sufficiently capable that I’d consider a relationship with an equivalent person.
On the other side, mental disorders are a real problem. Bad at math I could handle (with great frustration, admittedly), but autism, OCD, bipolar, memory illnesses… no, those are all deal breakers unless there’s a treatment.
I could see it as a possibility. But I would have to think long and hard. Incidentally, my wife won’t drive. She can drive, has a license, but hasn’t actually driven since 1989 on I-87 in NY, when she drove 50 miles. It is a major nuisance, but she has other redeeming qualities (she balances the checkbook, which I can’t bother to do and ends up paying most of the bills).
I can drive, cook, manage money, hold a good job, am well educated, have money, in reasonable shape, own my own home, I’m not afraid of much, I can carry on a decent conversation and have a generally even temper. I have some serious flaws as well but they don’t interfere with basic life functions. I have, and have always had, a decidedly non-romantic and capitalistic view of romantic relationships and I will not be on the losing side of any of those deals.
It is OK if you are a little dumber than I am as long as you bring something else to offset it like unusually good looks or tons of money (preferably both) but there is nothing that can offset something like the unwillingness or inability to drive let alone more severe disabilities. I have never aspired to be a taxi driver and I am not doing it on a regular basis for anyone except my own kids.
I am never getting married again so I don’t even need to worry about long-term hypotheticals. Any relationship I am in is going to end eventually even if I have to force it so there is no need to build up any type of long-term reciprocal equity or relationship karma.
The good news is that I am single at the moment and I am taking applications on my Match.com account again for a limited time for qualified buyers.
Since I married someone with a disability (although he was quite independent when I met him) I wouldn’t say it’s an instant dealbreaker, but I’d think long and hard about it before making a long-term commitment. Date? Yes, it’s a possibility. Some things might be a deal breaker a lot depends on the positive qualities as well as the negatives.
Funny, I thought that at one point, too, but my spouse, although his reading skills are just fine/college level does not ever read for pleasure. He doesn’t enjoy reading, to him it’s a strictly utilitarian skill. Still works out, though - he’s OK with my book collection, I’m OK with his movie and music collection. (Since I also do movies and music I probably got the better deal, here).
There are some of us out here who are willing and able to look past the wheelchair. We also tend to get taken rather quickly, and there aren’t a lot of us. I imagine it does make things more difficult.
