er, I would take that as a sign that your psychologist has OCD, not you.
Other than that, I got nothing but wish you good luck. Medication for mental issues is an uphill battle of trial and error. Good to hear you got lucky early in the guessing game.
btw, I recently enquired about your state of health (during one of your absences), but that went wrong real quick.
Basically, we’re asking how you are. Outside of this OCD and anxiety.
[looks like a worried Mom]
Actually I have a new OCD question.
What do you carry in your pockets?
I did the balanced touching thing when I was a kid, but it manifested in my walk. Heel and toe had to touch an equal number of times in the proper order, left and right foot as well, often resulting in an awkward tap-dancing move to get back on track. God did I hate it when people noticed that.
But then it just…went away. I grew out of it, I suppose.
Do you develop new tics? If so, how do you feel when you realize it?
Do they go away? If so, how does that feel?
If you remember and old tic you used to have but went away, do they come back?
Do you talk to yourself a lot or carry on full arguments (with rebuttals) in your head? I do. This probably isn’t really related to the OCD thing, but I’ve always wanted to ask you for some reason.
I suppose. Although it seems to me that the GP grossly misdiagnosed me. On my most recent visit, as I was explaining to him how toxic the SSRI was for me, he said that the first thing I mentioned to him was melancholia, and that I said something about suicide. I told him that what I said was that I have a melancholy temperament and that HE was the one who mentioned suicide. I specifically said that I didn’t have the courage to kill myself, but that I didn’t mind death. All I dreaded was the process of dying. Anyway, this time he listened closely, and having consulted with both the psychiatrist and the psychologist had a better handle on what I needed. I was the one who recommended a sedative, and he concurred, actually prescribing two: one benzodiazepine and one nonbenzodiazepene, the idea being to ween off the former eventually.
We had also had a misunderstanding about my cold, which I contracted the day after my first visit (the disastrous bipolar diagnosis). Because of the damn Celexa, he wouldn’t let me take a cold medicine, and basically said that if I got pneumonia, I should go to the emergency room. That pissed me off because how the hell can I know if I have pneumonia without an x-ray. Turned out to be a miscommunication. He meant for them to tell me that if my congestion worsened, I should come into the office. Anyway, that’s all done with and we’re communicating much better now.
Overall, it sucks. In addition to the respiratory problems, I’ve got these strange sores popping out all over my legs, and my toes are almost always numb. Diabetes, some people say. Doctor wants to look at all that, but I told him that if we don’t get the anxiety in check, I won’t even care about the rest of it. So, one step at a time.
Left front pocket: Wallet, oriented with flat side against thigh, and opening pointed up. Right front pocket: keys, neatly arranged with button gadget front and facing up. Rear pockets: nothing.
:dubious: IANAD (nor a patient) but I believe that while anxiety can make your life hard, diabetes can make it really short. All it will take is some time at the lab with conclusive results, better than weeks of therapy for a maybe. I would start with that.
Dude, I know we are all just molecules and energy and that dying would be a stone cold groove, you really don’t want them to have to amputate the molecules that make up your feet, which is a distinct possibility with unchecked diabetes. I can understand anxiety is going to be more, umm, “on your mind” but I gotta agree with Sapo, don’t put that shit on the back burner.
By making life shorter I meant in duration. This is an equally valid take on it, I guess.
I’m not sure. I really don’t think of it in terms of “tics”. For me, it’s about patterns and balance. If something “new” is required to establish a reasonable pattern or balance, then it emerges naturally I guess.
I have a variety of balance restoration rituals which suffice when, for some reason, either balance can’t be restored or else I cannot ascertain whether I’m in balance. Something terribly important might distract me, for example, and I cannot recall whether I last adjusted the shower clockwise or counterclock. In that event, the wrong adjustment would be disasterous, and so I would enact a balance restoration ritual after which I could begin an ordinary counterclock adjustment as though it were the first adjustment made. (There is an old thread where some of this was discussed back before I knew it was a bad thing.)
Nothing has ever “gone away” that I’m aware of.
Yes, I do. But in a specific process, along the lines of a binary tree. I never repeat the same train of thought. Once it has been considered, it is evaluated and I move on. (I play chess the same way in examining moves. I don’t go back and say, “Now, how did that knight to e6 variation go again?”).
lol. Well, I notice that some older people like to respond to health advice with “So if I die, I die. I had a good run”. They are a little less cocky when you ask them if they’d like to spend their remaining years bedridden, in a wheelchair or constantly hooked up to an IV.
The last check on diabetes (drinking that godawful orange soda) was that I am “borderline”. The emphysema is my most pressing concern, and the anxiety is next because it is mentally crippling. I do very much, however, appreciate your concerns and agree that a more general check-up should be sought at my earliest convenient opportunity.
You’ve identified a number of ways your OCD affects your behaviour and your thoughts. I wondered if you had thought whether it has also had effect on your opinions; your politics and so on? For instance is it possible your strongly Libertarian positions (I think I’m remembering you right here) are in some degree manifestations of the desire for order, neatness and balance you mention in post #9?
Liberal,
Wow.
I hadn’t realized what a trial my visit must have been!
For those who might not know me, let me explain. I am waaaay not balanced, ordered, regular, or predictable. In the not too distance past, and several times before I have been a guest in the home of our esteemed Thread Host, and his charming wife. I must say, a wonderful visit, from my perspective, in a home that is both comfortable, and congenial. (And now that I think of it, incredibly clean, and orderly.)
I awakened whenever, and retired when I was tired. Fixed and ate what I wished, at times a meal with my hosts, and at times, not. I doubt that I even noticed how things should have been. (Nor, I wish to point out was I prompted to correct any of these matters.) Gracious, and generous were the feelings I got. Now I look back and wonder what the emotional cost might have been.
I trust Liberal’s honest and forthright nature, and the strength of our long term (gosh, where does the time go?) friendship enough to feel that he would have told me if I was beyond his bounds, but . . . well, I specifically recall responding “Why would I need to be balanced, though?” in a fairly dismissive tone. Dismissive because I really feel no such pressures, and really hadn’t quite absorbed the emotional depth of that need.
Walking a mile in his shoes? Ha! I stomped up and down his driveway in his bedroom slippers! (figuratively, of course.)
Sorry, my friend. And of course, at the same time serene in the foreknowledge that I am already forgiven. However, trust doesn’t imply the absence of sensitivity, and of that, I am guilty.
Tris
Be careful with the Klonopin.
It can be very helpful, but it’s also quite popularly abused.
As my wife found out to her detriment, some of the withdrawal symptoms can get fairly unpleasant: Benzodiazepines–Side Effects, Abuse Risk
Good luck!
Yes, definitely. All three of my worldviews — Christianity, Libertarianism, and Objectivism — are deductively derived from what I believe to be undeniable postulates. That would also include systems derived from them, like Austrian economics. They are as ordered and precise as geometry.
With these medications, I would tell a man when he is beyond the bounds. They’ve given me something of an assertiveness that I lacked. That said, however, priority one for a visit from a good friend is his comfort and pleasure. I can always restore the balance, but finding a friend like you is one of life’s rare gifts.
Yes, thanks. I’m well aware. The plan, as I said, is to ween the addictive drug. But it is necessary for start-up because the nonbenzodiazepine is slow acting, and takes time to build up an effective presence.
Have people ever intentionally messed with you due to your OCD? I had a science teacher who kept his desk meticulously straight and of course students would come over and just ever-so-slightly adjust the stapler.
Lord, yes. Not so much jokers, but more like Thoreau’s people who are damn set on doing me good. Apparently, each asshole thinks that his contribution will cure me because I will see that the world does not end when he, say, places the toaster tongs on the left side of the toaster instead of the right side where they belong. This actually happened once, and in response I unplugged the toaster, jammed the tongs into it, hurled it from the deck over the barn and into the woods where it lies rusting to this day. When I asked him whether there were any other pieces of my life he would like to destroy, he began his apology ritual as I left to find a quiet place where I could restore myself. And before you go, “Holy shit, Lib, that’s really out there,” let me stress that he knew full well how the tongs should be placed because I had told him.
Best of luck to you Lib! I wish you well as you work through your anxiety and OCD issues. I’ve had my own battles with an anxiety disorder. A good therapist and the right medication have worked wonders for me. I hope they do the same for you!
I had made an interesting discovery in my therapy, and I’m wondering if you’ve uncovered something similar. What I found was that my anxiety was actually beneficial to me for a long time and contributed a lot to my success, particularly professionally.
The anxiety gave me energy, attention to detail, and a strong desire to do whatever I could to make things work. I acquired a reputation as someone who would get things done and get them done right. My strong desire to be in control helped me become known as a natural leader who never shirked responsibility. Yeah, I did micromanage more than I probably should have, but many coworkers asked to work with me because there was good chance working on one of my projects would get their names attached to something successful.
Then it all turned on me. Those very traits that made me successful sort of took over. I could no longer “get things done” because I was paralyzed by “what if’s”. And the “mircomanager” became a “control freak.” That wasn’t good professionally, but it was an absolute disaster personally!
It was a struggle to find the right balance. I didn’t want to let go of the traits that had helped me so much in the past. However, I couldn’t allow them to be as extreme as they’d become.
The right meds kept me from completely going over the top, but it took some tinkering to find the right mix and dosage. As mentioned, I didn’t want to totally eliminate all anxiety. A good therapist helped me learn to recognize how to avoid paralysis but still sweat the important stuff.
At any rate, I wonder if you’ve found something similar–that some of your anxiety and OCD traits may have actually benefited you, but they kept growing until they become hurtful rather than helpful.