I was wondering if my fellow 'Toban In Winnipeg would beat me to the punch on this. While I have a much kinder view of socials than he does (Manitobans know how to party!), I’ll also point out that a social appears to be a tradition in this province regardless of the economic situation of the bride and groom. When we had ours, we thought of it less as a fund raiser, and more of a party for our friends and relatives, especially since we were to be married in a small church, it’s a party for those that aren’t close enough to be invited to the wedding.
But, yeah, most of my non-Toban friends who I explain the concept of the social to seem to be as flabbergasted as the OP. (“You ask your friends and relatives for money? How tacky!”) when that’s not the main purpose of a social IMHO.
But, hey, who’s to argue with tradition? (I only personally know of one couple who didn’t have a social (not counting those of my parents’ generation and older, when the tradition wasn’t established yet.)
I guess I never understood how weddings mutated over time from celebrations recognizing your union, where well-wishers could bestow a gift if they felt so inclined, to gift-grabby fundraisers.
If the point of the gala wedding is to raise massive amounts of cash, I’m sure the day is near when we will be required to purchase tickets to attend. Heck, they could do a 50-50 raffle from the altar! Sell grandma’s jellies and jams! Set up a photo booth! It certainly would be more honest and open.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You’re telling me that there are actually people out there that show up to formal parties (weddings, showers) EMPTY-HANDED?!?! Good God, why? Are you actively trying to lose friends? Are you that cheap that you can’t at least cover the expense of hosting you at the party? You’ve got this couple that’s inviting you to share a wonderful moment with them and you think it’s enough that you grace them with your presence? They should be thankful you just showed up at all? That’s insanely self-centered.
Did you get that from my post? Really? Did you see the phrase “mutated over time”? Maybe not. I will expound: Way back in the past, before your grandparents were born, yes, people were invited to wedding celebrations, to partake in congratulatory recognition of the union. Food and beverages were provided by the families. Gifts were not required.
Sorry I was not more obvious in my explanation, and that you felt the need to be embarrassed on my behalf.
Please, rest assured that I always bring gigantic wads of cash to showers, weddings, bar and bat mitzvahs, first communions, graduation parties and gazebo openings. I toss it around freely. Brides and grooms love me.
I always bring a gift to such functions, as that is my role in the situation. But there is a difference between society expecting my to fill the role and the BRIDE demanding that I fill it. She’s supposed to act delighted that I thought of a gift at all, even if it is a tacky frame from the dollar store (which I wouldn’t buy - I buy from the registry or I give cash) - yes, complete fiction.
But it isn’t my role to choose a gift proportional to how much the couple spent on her wedding. I don’t have any idea what she spent on her wedding, and frankly don’t care, no do I care if she feeds me sub sandwiches or prime rib. That’s her choice for her party.
The ones that really get me are the people who send us invitations because we are relatively well off. When we are the only part of “this circle” who gets an invitation, or when its a coworker who has invited few other coworkers - and they come in two classes - hang out with for lunch and well off - and you have never been to lunch with them - that’s tacky. And we’ve gotten our share.
OK, so we agree then? People that don’t bring gifts without a reason (like they’re teenagers or just had a baby or something) are violating standards of behavior? Hopefully these people are few and far between. Reading this thread, I was getting the impression that there are a substantial amount of people that think it’s OK to show up empty-handed to an expensive function.
Yes. I think we all agree that it’s beyond tacky to just show up at a wedding, partake of all that’s offered and give no gift, somewhere in the realm of the average for these things.
Where it gets really, really tacky is when the bride or groom starting making judgments about said gift, whether it’s an “expensive function” or not. A gift is a gift. If it’s going to be judged unworthy, then just charge admission or sell tickets to the event so you can be sure to, um, recoup your investment.
If I’m hosting the party, absolutely. I invite guests because I genuinely want them there. I would not hold it against any of my friends if I invited them to my wedding and they showed up with nothing. I know some of my friends can’t afford the hundred to hundred fifty a plate that’s the standard gift around here these days. Now, honestly, I don’t think anyone would come with absolutely nothing, but it wouldn’t matter to me. I’ve discussed with my SO how I wish there were a socially acceptable way to anonymize the gifts, because I really don’t give a shit and don’t really want to know who gave how much. I invited the people because I want them there.
Yep, gift events you bring a gift. That’s part of your social contract. It should be a gift appropriate for the event (i.e. edible panties are probably ok at the bachelorette, probably inappropriate for the wedding itself, unless the families are unusual), that shows you thought about the person receiving the gift (which is the problem with cash - its appreciated, but it shows little thought), and which is appropriate for your financial circumstances - not theirs or the size of the wedding. If I get an invite to Bill Gates’ kids’ weddings, they’ll get the same gift as when I get invited to my buddy Cathy’s kids weddings. When I was first out of college, friends often got something handmade cause I was broke.
If the bride and groom (expectant parents or whatever) request “no gifts” then you are off the hook for gifts. If you inquire and they insist “really, no gifts” then your gift had better be given for such a reason to override their objections (i.e. not a toaster, but a picture you had framed from the day they met at your house with both of them in it)…
In the northeastern US, cash gifts (or checks) at wedding receptions are very common. There is even a typical time at the reception when the basket is passed around for people to put in their card or check in the basket. Did none of you see Goodfellas? Even at my own wedding, which was a destination wedding in Florida, a good portion of my wife’s family which is from New York, gave us checks (in addition to gifts from the registry), with average amount of $250 from each couple (some more, some less).
Same here. I believe the general “rule” around here is gifts for wedding/bridal shower, cash/checks for the wedding itself. Also, if you’re going by rules, it’s “cover your plate, plus give a little extra for the bride and groom,” but I don’t know how much that’s followed anymore. I should add, I never liked these “rules,” hence my previous post.
As noted upthread, in some cultures gifts of money at weddings are simply traditional. I went to a traditional Ukranian wedding (recent immigrants); they had a big box for cash gifts & cards, and no-one brought wrapped presents or any sort of objects for presents - for everyone, it was cash gifts only.
I should note that I’m only a few generations removed from Poland, so perhaps that’s part of my disgust for coming without a gift. I guarantee you my family never had a money-less wedding, even “before [my] grandparents were born.” Our weddings always have a bridal dance for cash, although it’s usually a brother or uncle that collects the cash, not a smock on the bride. I was actually disappointed when I attended a GF-family wedding and they didn’t do this. I always thought it was a common American thing, not a Polish thing.
Actually, I’m not opposed to giving gifts to a couple being married.
What I find distasteful are:
Asking for money, no matter how worthwhile the cause
Expecting to rake in enough to more than cover the cost of the wedding/reception
Corollary: expecting to rake in enough from each invitee to cover the cost of the wedding/reception, and excoriating those who don’t measure up
Having special cash-raising events at the reception, such as the money dances as described above, money trees, and all things of that ilk
Regarding the wedding reception as anything other than a party to which you have invited family and friends to celebrate your happiness.
Some of these might be acceptable if you are in a third-world country and are in danger of starving; but then I would expect a much less lavish reception and ceremony.
Roddy
Dollar dances have very much fallen out of favor around here. They used to be quite common, but I’ve seen only maybe five or six dollar dances in the last two hundred or so weddings I’ve been at (I’m a photographer), and even in my parents-and-their-friends-born-in-Poland family, I don’t think I’ve seen it at any family weddings in the last ten years. The last dollar dances I remember seeing were in a Filipino wedding and a Mexican wedding. (Also, the Greeks often have a traditional money dance where money is thrown all around the dance floor while do a folk circle dance.)
Personally, I think money dances are pretty tacky, which is why they’ve vastly fallen out of favor. ETA: at least in urban areas among the middle class.
I take a ‘when in Rome, do as the Romans’ approach to such matters. In short, if I know the expectation is to provide a cash gift, I provide a cash gift; if I know the expectation is to buy the couple something from a registry, I buy them something from the registry.
Different folks have different customs, and to the extent I can, I try not to find them offensive. Otherwise I’d be offended a lot, as I’m an atheist Jew married to a Catholic Ukranian woman, whose family is exceedingly religious.
I think that’s it. Its culturally ok to do dollar dances/have a dollar tree. But if you are reading Martha Stewart Weddings or Amy Vanderbilt, its considered tacky. (Though the Martha Weddings Etiquette person says dollar dances are “fun” as long as there is a cultural justification for them) As more brides immerse themselves in “elegant weddings” and more couples marry from diverse ethnic backgrounds, some things that happen all the time in ethnic communities fall by the wayside.
Giving money, however, seems to be getting more popular because couples don’t usually need china, towels and sheets - it has the advantages of being easy for the guest and almost always welcome to the couple. ASKING for money is still tacky.
