Still tacky to ask for cash as a wedding gift?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Yet another friend has disappointed/disgusted me with a reference to gifting them with cash. In this case it was on their wedding website under the heading “wishing well”–silly me, I thought it would be a guest book of sorts. Instead it was this “poem”:
If finding a gift is hard to do,
Perhaps our wishing well is for you.
A gift of money is placed in the well.
Then make a wish… but do not tell.
If, however, a gift you’d prefer to find.
Be assured we will not mind.

I’ve also received invitations that mentioned it right on the invitation, but I don’t think this is much better. Am I hopelessly old-fashioned and this is now considered acceptable? It seems to be happening more and more, and people I would otherwise not have considered socially disabled are doing it.
Personally, I will never accept it, and will clutch my lace handkerchief in horror and decry it until my dying day, or until someone convinces me that I am wrong.
Should I go to the wedding, and if so, should I give cash, and if so, how much?
Or should I decline the invitation, and if so, should I send a gift, and if so, should it be cash, etc.?
And should I write them off entirely and cut off all contact with them, sadly accepting that I had misestimated them and that they are not the kind of people I can respect? I am typically too slow to reach this point and allow my fondness for the person I thought someone was to influence me into ignoring evidence to the contrary, so this is uncharted territory for me.

2

Asking for any gift, or creating any implication that a gift is required as the “price of admission” to the wedding, is tacky.

Refusing to attend the wedding for this reason alone or spitefully cutting them out of your life, is petty in the extreme.

3

Yes, I suppose it would seem that way, but of course it wouldn’t be the only reason, and it wouldn’t be out of spite at all. Over the course of a relationship with anyone, one finds out who they are as a gradual process. I am of the habit of excusing things that really perhaps ought not be excused, with the end result being poor. I’m looking to change this, but it’s not obvious to me which behaviors should be taken as indicative that further contact with the person are probably unwise.

4

They “will not mind” if you choose to give them a non-cash gift? How kind of them. :rolleyes:

5

AnaMen, what were you planning to do before you saw the “wishing well” poem? Then, that’s what you should do. Unless, that is, what you would have done anyway is (1) stress out over what gift to give them, or (2) shop around and become increasingly frustrated as you have more and more trouble finding an appropriate gift. In that case, you should just give them cash.

Look at it as permission to give cash, aimed at those who want to give something but who suck at gift-shopping. Such people do exist.

6

My question: is it tacky to give a cash gift if you really cannot think of what to get them.

A pretty good friend, actually a former post-doc of mine was getting married for the second time, so he had a fully functioning apartment in Brooklyn where he and his second wife still live. They were also ultra-orthodox Jews. Finally, I sent him a check for $324.

7

I was planning to ask a member of the wedding party if they were registered anywhere, then, if so, purchase from the registry unless it contained only unreasonable items (like if every item cost significantly more than I felt comfortable spending).
I don’t want “permission” to gift a peer with cash. I would give a cash gift under the following circumstances: a younger-than-me family member whom I wish to “sponsor” in some way, or a member of a culture for whom cash gifts for weddings are customary (and thus there is no “need” for the person to prompt people to give cash, since this is what people are likely to do anyway).
If there was no registry and I was truly stumped, I would probably give a restaurant gift certificate or something. If it seemed appropriate, I would consider a piece of original art or perhaps a fossil or mineral or something like that.

8

Its not like there is some inconsistent blaring personality trait forcing you out of their lives. It is just a preference based on what works for them. Would not be enough for me to alter the relationship in anyway. But if you feel strongly about it, attach your name to the card enclosing 10 bucks That will be speak volumes without you being in the room. And go the wedding, hang out with friends, celebrate and get your monies worth of food and drink

9

Gone are the bad old days of stultifying tradition and structure concerning weddings. Everything is in flux. Bride’s get to take or leave, adopt or discard, anything that des not suit! And I for one, am glad of it!

None of which is meant to excuse being tacky, which this is in the extreme. (Why do people believe you can pass off any distasteful thing if you have a little rhyme about it?)

Personally you seem to be awfully reactive to a little tacky. The world will not end, give cash or don’t, yes it’s tacky, move on knowing your friend is not a sophisticate.

10

The ONLY wedding gift worth giving is cash. It is very tacky to ask for cash.

11

If you don’t like them, then don’t go to their wedding. If you do like them, then maybe consider giving them what they would prefer.

If my friends are getting married and their lives would be easier with cash, I’m going to give them cash. I would be irritated if they didn’t tell me the truth about what they wanted, because my money could have been spent in a much more useful way and I would have been able to contribute something they really wanted/needed. I don’t care if they ask for money and I don’t care if their wedding invitation includes a gift registry card. I don’t care. They are my friends, why would this bother me?

[QUOTE=Lanzy]
The ONLY wedding gift worth giving is cash. It is very tacky to ask for cash.
[/QUOTE]

Do you not see how crazy-making this is? People shouldn’t ask for the only thing worth giving?

12

Yeah, just to be clear: it’s tacky to make guests feel as if a gift is expected/obligatory, however, making a huge deal about it, much less prancing off in a huff as a ?“punishment” to the offending couple, is a thousand times tackier.

It’s an invitation, not a subpoena. Go, if you wish to go, or don’t if you don’t. The end. No drama required.

13

It’s a faux pas, sure. But it’s not something they are doing out of ill will so I wouldn’t get offended

14

I’ll tone it down since this isn’t the pit, but are you serious?

Disgusted? Disappointed? Considering cutting off friendship ties with them?
Over that? Whether it’s tacky or not, I think you should re-examine your reaction.

15

I’d need a little more context to know whether this was really tacky or not.

It’s fine to have a registry, because it’s a convenience for your guests. It’s not fine to put the registry card in the invitation, because then you imply that it’s an obligation, not a gift which is by definition voluntary. It IS okay for the bride, groom, or immediate family to provide the gift registry to anyone who asks for it. The key phrase here is ASKS for it.

So, where was this “wishing well”? Is it something, along with the registry, that was only provided when it was asked for? Then I don’t see the problem – it’s just like the registry, in which “cash” is one of the items on the list. You are not obligated to get a gift off the registry, or even to ask for the registry, if you don’t want to. You can look at the registry and decide to get something else entirely.

Now, if the registry and wishing well were on the front page of the website and the first thing you see when looking at it, that’s tacky. If it’s buried in the very last tab/menu item, then it is basically just there for the convenience of those who wish to look at it. Don’t want to see it, don’t look.

The thing to keep in mind is that you need to be clear that you’re not EXPECTING gifts, but if people want to give them, and ask to see a wish list, you have some lists for their convenience. I basically see a wedding website as being all about “for the convenience of the guests.” Paper invitations are easily lost, and it’s difficult to stuff all pertinent information into a tiny envelope. Date, time, venue, map to venue, suggested driving or transit directions, nearest airport, if there’s a hotel involved, which hotel, what is necessary to reserve a room within the wedding block for the discount (usually via the hotels website, so much easier to have a means of providing a clickable link), etc. Registry is just one of MANY pieces of information your guests will want and need. Having the hotel information available does not obligate anyone to reserve a room with that hotel if they don’t want to, but it’s nice info to make easily accessible for those who do. A website just makes it easier to disseminate all this information to those who want it.

16

It’s not like using the wrong fork or wearing white shoes in October. The sentiment behind the cash demand is ugly.
If someone invites me to a wedding because they want me to share in the celebration, I am happy to attend and to send a gift. If they specify what currency is acceptable, I cannot help but wonder whether they even care about anything besides getting the payment they have decided they are entitled to. Am I a friend or a financial source? How and why would they not care that guests–their own friends and families!–might feel this way? Or is their greed and entitlement so strong that other people’s feelings are secondary if they are considered at all?
I can’t even imagine WANTING my friends to give me cash so I can have myself a party and go on a trip, let alone trying to figure out a way to make it happen.
The website is the means provided to RSVP, so basically all guests are steered to it. I don’t know what the “wishing well” is, but I am assuming it is a physical representation of a wishing well, made of wood or cardboard or something, into which we may insert our cash payments.
I’m not looking to “prance off in a huff” or anything, but I am genuinely offended and disappointed in them. My friends and family are precious to me and their value could never be monetized. My intention would not be to “punish” anyone, indeed, if I choose not to attend, I will probably send a check, but decline to be involved with them further. I’m talking about recognizing that they are a bad emotional investment, not putting a stop to their behavior or chastising them for it.

17

Okay, now I’m really confused. If you haven’t seen the wishing well, how do you know about the poem?

18

I am not getting how them suggesting to all the guest they could gift cash threatens your relationship with them but I hope it all works out for you and them

19

The poem is on the website that one must to RSVP.

20

Weddings are expensive and more and more couples would appreciate cash instead of a toaster so I think it would be great if a non tacky way could be found for them to make such a request.