If you can’t afford an expensive wedding then don’t have one. There is no acceptable way to request that others fund your party, nor should there be.
And if they decided to cut down on expenses by not inviting you, would you have been offended then too?
On an unrelated note: I’m getting married in a few months and moving across country a few months after that. Most of our possessions will be sold for the move. Is it tackier to request any gifts be cash, or to sell gifts for the move?
Here’s two cents. One for each of you. This was so much cheaper than the present I was buying.
Quoted the whole message in its snippy glory. Really, Miss Manners can get away with that sort of thing. You are not at that level…
Yes, the request is tacky. The poem does not scan and is extra tacky. There might be serious reasons they are requesting cash–but you don’t know them all that well. For those who do not know the couple well, gift suggestions can be inserted discreetly into a website; don’t know how discreet this one is.
Go to the wedding if you like the people. Give them whatever you consider suitable; what were you planning to give?
If you consider them a “bad emotional investment”–stay away. That may be the best gift at all. I doubt you’d find the ceremony, reception or bride’s dress (“she wore white?”) up to your exacting standards. And I doubt they’ll miss your prunefaced disapproval.
Neither. It’s the immediate family and the wedding party’s job to make sure that everyone knows you are moving and won’t be able to take physical gifts with you, but have a lot of expenses to cover. You stay out of it. And if some people give you stupid tacky things you don’t like, give them to good will where they will be the find of a life time to someone with poor taste.
It is 2013. It is NEVER tacky to include registry information or a request for cash. We all know what a wedding gift involves and not receiving 8 toasters can only be a good thing. And turning the wedding party/parents into a gift advice service is horribly inconsiderate.
Huh. Quite different in my part of the world. Mentioning gifts of any kind is still considered tacky. I don’t recall a single wedding invitation I’ve gotten that mentioned gifts. Not even a registry (although that you might find on a wedding website.)
The fact that it’s 2013 doesn’t really matter, IMHO, and I’m not exactly a “Mr. Manners” kind of guy, either. It just seems really tacky to me.
Actually, there is one invitation that did say “the only gift we request is the gift of your presence,” and that did kind of rub me the wrong way, as that’s the de facto expectation of any kind of party that you throw yourself/for yourself and friends/family. It didn’t irk me enough not to stuff an envelope full of cash, anyway, but it stuck out as odd.
We have a few things at work here.
- It’s gauche to mention presents in the context of your own party.
- In actual reality, everyone is well aware that giving a gift is the norm for wedding guests.
- Also in actual reality, most people are aware that an established couple probably doesn’t need a second toaster, and that cash is much appreciated.
- In some areas, it’s fairly normal to mention this outside of the formal invite.
You can choose to interpret it the worst possible light (“They are only inviting me to get a present!”), but given points 2 and 3, I don’t think that’s really a fair interpretation. I mean, it’s not like they are saying something that’s not actually already pretty well understood by both parties. I mean, it’s rude to bring it up, but it’s not like the expectation isn’t already kind of there.
I’d venture that point 4 is the real motivation, not some kind of callous disregard for friendship. Most of us have been to a lot of weddings, but few of us have studied wedding etiquette in depth. Chances are they saw the poem somewhere, maybe multiple times, and figured that it was a normal thing to do.
I’ll bite. Why the strange amount?
Money, MONEY MONEY!** Share the wealth**!
Years ago, it was my duty as best man to keep the presentation money safe overnight. All of it cash. Two or three grand, as I recall.
It is only crazy making if you don’t abide by always giving cash. Don’t look at the registry, don’t go by the invitation, just give cash every single time. The more people do this the less people will have to ask for it. I spent time in other countries and cash is given for birthdays, anniversaries, and Christmas and pretty much every occasion that warrants a gift.
Even though I know that the traditional etiquette is that you don’t say anything about gifts in wedding invites or such, I really think this tradition should die.
While it may seem greedy to talk about gifts as if they’re expected, come on, it’s a social protocol that typically people do bring gifts to a wedding. Since many people would feel awkward showing up at a wedding without a gift under normal circumstances, I think it’s perfectly fine for a couple to tell their guests that “the greatest gift is your presence” and that it’s OK to not bring a gift if you can’t afford it.
In my own case, we did things “the right way”. My husband’s aunt asked us if we wanted monetary gifts and spread the word to other relatives. We were actually really surprised that almost everyone did end up giving cash or checks. Since we were having our wedding hundreds of miles away from our home, it made our life SO much easier than trying to figure out the logistics of transporting a lot of bulky packages back home with us.
Since my saving account took a BIG hit from the wedding (it all ended up becoming bigger and more expensive than I first planned, as weddings in which you allow family to have input tend to become), we were extremely appreciative of the kindness of everyone who gave money. It was just as meaningful to us as any tangible gift. Financial worry is a huge stress on a new marriage after all.
Pretend that you didn’t even see the wedding website. Pretend that you asked them where they were registered and they gave you a link to the registry. Now, what did you decide before now about how much you should pay for a wedding gift to them? Look for something on the registry that’s about that amount and give it to them. If you can’t find anything there that’s appropriate for that amount, give them a gift card for that amount. If you can’t find an appropriate gift card, give them cash. Go to the wedding, enjoy yourself, and wish them well. (I’m assuming that the wedding is nearby. Just mail a present if it’s too far to travel.) Never mention how bothered you were about the cash request to anyone. They shouldn’t have made such a request, but it’s not worth losing them as friends over it.
It has to do with Gematria, which is numerology with Hebrew letters that double as numerals. In Hebrew, Chai (“living”) is considered a lucky word/concept. In Hebrew, it’s spelled Heth-Yodh, which is worth 18. Gifts and donations are therefore given in multiples of 18. Eighteen squared is 324.
What possible “serious” reasons could justify it? If they are in a desperate situation, a wedding is still not a fundraiser.
You’re making an awful lot of assumptions here. I never said that I don’t know them all that well, and I couldn’t care less who wears what. I care about being solicited for funds, not whether tradition is rigorously followed.
This whole thread seems… odd. Sure, I think it’s tacky to specifically mention giving cash but giving other stuff is okay, but it also seems to me that generally giving cash is becoming the norm for weddings. These days, since so many people are getting married a little older and they’ve probably either been living on their own or living together, they probably have all the household items that would have been given before.
IMO, if they have a registry and you really want to give a physical gift, do that. But really, cash just makes more sense since it is at least as useful as a gift of equal value. Further, like with graduation, and unlike birthdays or Christmas, there isn’t really a “it’s the thought that counts” since the gifts are intended to be practical as a transition from one part of life to another. So, I don’t think I’ve ever given anything other than cash, if I felt a gift was appropriate.
I also don’t see why essentially saying no gift or in lieu of a gift (like a charity) is tacky. Particularly for older or wealthier couples, it really won’t even make a difference and they’d rather people come and give nothing rather than stay home because they can’t afford to give money they feel is appropriate. I’ve seen this sort of thing a lot, particularly when there’s a considerable income disparity in the family. Plus, I think it kind of reaffirms that they’re inviting people because they actually want them there, not because they’re hoping to get a check or a new toaster.
Either way, no matter how tacky it may be, it seems particularly odd to base going to a wedding on that. I can see not going if they’re just a random coworker or a second cousin and it’s really tacky and you’d have been iffy about going anyway. But if you want to go, go, and give the gift you want, or give cash, or donate the chairty, or give nothing. And it sounds like the OP is just WAY overreading a slight faux paus into a solicitation for funds, when it’s just “we don’t need typical wedding gifts”. Chill out.
Personally I don’t think it’s more tacky than asking people to go buy things from their published wishlist. What’s tacky is asking for anything at all. I usually give cash at weddings, and maybe some small token gift unless there’s something very specific I know the couple wants or needs, and that would mean we have a close relationship and I could discuss the matter with them without feeling uneasy.
I don’t want to end up like my mother who asks me what some relative gave us as a wedding present hundreds of years ago because she doesn’t want to give too much or too little when their children get married.
I almost always give cash as a wedding gift, usually an amount slightly larger than what I think it cost the couple to feed me at their wedding in the first place. It’s light and portable, and after the rigamarole of registries that usually surrounds the engagement party and bridal shower, I am gifted out. Many of my friends have smaller, family-catered affairs, and I will give them a handmade gift because they will appreciate it. Larger, more formal events like my family puts on, I usually discover a couple months before that my parents put my name on their gift in an effort to save me money, anyway.
Yes, it is still tacky to ask for cash as a wedding gift; in fact, it’s tacky to ask for a wedding gift at all. Even more basic than that, it’s tacky to ask for any gift at all, ever.
Also, I love it when people accompany their tackiness with bad poetry; it gives me an excuse to bust out my old classic from 2008. Sorry if my doing so is tacky.
Oh, what the hell, I’m not sorry at all; I’m justly proud of my work in that post. 