At a wedding party for some friends of mine, they got 4 (FOUR!) slow cookers, from about 30 or so guests. I guarantee, they would have rather gotten the cost of a slow cooker 4 times than actual slow cookers.
A similar thing happened at my wedding, where we got three copies of something on the registry. We ended up giving two of them away, but really, cash would have been better.
It is tacky to DEMAND cash (or really, any present). But, no wedding ever have I heard of the bride and groom forbidding someone to attend because they didn’t give a gift. Giving gifts is customary, not required. The problem here is there used to be a social more that said giving cash was tacky (as in, you didn’t even put the thought into figuring out what someone wanted). That thought needs to go by the wayside, but some people like the OP seem to cling to it.
If you weren’t getting a gift, go to the wedding anyway.
If you were getting a gift from their registry, get that and go to the wedding.
If you were getting something but didn’t know what, give them cash and go to the wedding.
If you weren’t going to the wedding anyway, don’t get anything and don’t go to the wedding.
The bride and groom making it convenient for you to give them what they really want should not be a social problem.
It’s still tacky to ask for cash as a wedding gift. It’s still tacky to ask for anything as a wedding guest. This will probably die out as an old tradition, though, because people are tacky and gauche and likely to get more so. I’d go to their registry and get them something nice, as I would have been planning to do before I found out about the cash grab poem.
When we got married 10 years ago, we received some very nice gifts from friends and family that we still use all the time, and we think about the people who gave them to us when we use them. We also received cash, and bought ourselves some nice things we needed with it, but there is no affectionate memory attached to the cash-bought things.
(We’re lucky in Canada - everyone registers at The Baywhen they get married, and everyone knows that. )
TriPolar, I think asking people to buy things from a published wishlist is also tacky, but I don’t think the existence of such a list is inherently tacky. The difference is the giver choosing to seek out the list, rather than being presented with it.
Personally, I very much enjoy giving gifts. When I am assigned a gift to give, it doesn’t feel like a gift anymore, but I still must give it to avoid creating bad feelings for the gift-requesters.
Although I once would have called one member of the couple one of my closest friends, a pattern of the person’s self-serving behavior have led me to the point of putting what may seem like too much weight on the recent written money-grab. It’s not the first straw, but in general, I am way too slow to recognize what ought to be the last.
If this were the only issue, I suppose I would just think it was tacky, but not necessarily absolute proof of a general lack of decency. In this case though, the lack of decency pops up with regularity, and although I am fond of the person, there is only so much I should excuse.
So, you think that a bride, after sending out 200 wedding invitations, should then field 200 questions of “do you have a registry?”, instead of just putting the registry on the invitation? How does that make sense!?
There isn’t a registry, so that’s not an option.
These responses point to one thing though, and that’s that regardless of whether I attend, I should get them a toaster. Maybe a fancy six-slicer with extra-wide bagel slots.
It makes sense when your priority is sharing your celebration with your loved ones, not worrying so much about the gift angle.
The “bride” is marrying someone, so hopefully the mailing burden will be shared, but actually one would normally ask a member of the wedding party or close family member of either half of the couple, as one would not wish to put the recipient of a gift in the position of having to direct you to purchase a particular gift or any gift at all.
Having a few conversations with people is actually not so cumbersome. Human interaction can be very rewarding.
Being practical is never tacky, but there’s no good way to ask for gifts. IMHO, the wishing well thing is about the classiest way you could possibly go about this.
I have been to many wedding where I had no met the bride’s family, grooms family, or any of the groomsmen before attending. So that, I feel, is a totally unreasonable expectation of a guest that wants to give someone something.
Conversation is good. Efficiency is good too. In the midst of plannng a wedding (being married, I have been there), I would infinitely prefer the efficiency rather than having 150 guests call to ask if we’re registered somewhere.
I use to consider asking for money at a typical mainstream American wedding a breach of etiquette. Then I started noticing how many other breaches of etiquette occurred at most of these wedding now and decided asking for money was no more crass than the chicken dance.
There is something about weddings that has a way of getting people riled up. I noticed that often wedding etiquitte varies greatly by culture. I noted that some cultures are much more ‘money-centric’. To people into nontraditional or non money centric cultures, this can seem greedy. I think it really depends.
My wife and I had a wedding with primarily Mexican traditions (Catholic ceremoney with Arras, Lasso, etc). One of the things that they do is a money dance. I learned that some people find this really tacky. I think this comes from the taboo of openly flaunting money in some cultures. But for my wife’s family, its considered fun. However, I should also emphasise that its not like its Super Mandatory You Will Be Ostracized For Non-Compliance. People pin a dollar, shove a few moldy pennies in my suit pocket, or pin a humorous ‘I.O.U’. In some cultures it is expected that guests will bring gifts of money- lots of money (like $100-$500 per family :eek: ). This money helps pay for the wedding, but in these cultures, far from feeling like ‘charging admission’, its actually considered an honor and people actually like to brag and make a big deal about how generous they are.
I guess because the idea of a ‘traditional’ wedding has gotten so blurred/outdated, people are much more divisive on what is and is not acceptable. And I have noticed some couples use it as an excuse to try to bilk their guests.
In a culture where cash gifts are the tradition, there is no need to prompt guests to gift cash–they would already know the expectation.
If some guests are not members of the culture and give different types of gifts, is that really so awful that it’s worth being rude to people to avoid it?
The issue isn’t whether or not it’s rude to give cash, but rather whether it’s inherently rude to ASK for it. If a friend comes to me seeking help paying for his son’s leukemia treatments, I will do my best to help him, but to pay for his party or vacation? That’s just not something decent people ask for. Have a party you can afford, take a vacation you can afford, and if people volunteer to help pay, thank them graciously.
I presume in your culture, it is customary for a wedding guest to get the new couple a gift? And it’s customary for the guest to get the couple a gift they would actually want? So if the new couple wants cash, and the guest doesn’t know how to get in contact with family, how is the guest supposed to figure it out?
Money is fungible. If you pay $40 for their toaster, they can now spend $40 on their honeymoon instead of a toaster. If they don’t need a toaster, why is it suddenly a problem that they tell you that and you give them $40 for their honeymoon?
I realize it’s not your intention, but your protests are coming off more as “I don’t want to give them something” than “OMG they asked for something they actually wanted!”
This OP seems rather dated. I’m all about etiquette, but I’m also about doing away with social constructions that just perpetuate mores from a different generation. I think it comes down to this: do you actually like, and want the best for this couple? If so, they’ve attempted to nicely let you know what would be helpful to them as they start their life together. We can debate the clunkiness of the rhyme later. I guess my own cultural background, plus that I married into (Mexican American - yep, we had a dollar dance), plus the various cultures I’ve seen on display at weddings (Jamaican, Lao, Afghan, Indian, Mexican, etc.) make it very clear that helping the couple get started in life is sort of the point (and the food, dancing, etc.).
Think about it. In years past, we would have gone to the homestead and helped them build a house. Today, the couple probably has student loans, a mortgage, consumer debt, etc. waiting for them - if you have the means and interest, they’re letting you know you can contribute that way. Some people give gifts because they think the gift-ee will be offended if they don’t give something from the heart or that requires some effort. I think they’re saying that they don’t have that issue.
If you don’t like, or care a whole lot about this couple, then don’t respond or invest any energy in thinking about this further, I guess.
I’m a cultural outsider, not really a member of any culture.
In the local culture, yes, it is customary to get the couple a gift. But is it customary to get them a gift they would actually want? Perhaps not. People seem to get quite put out by having too many toasters or whatever, and feel the need to throw all etiquette out the window to avoid this dreadful-yet-common situation. Regardless, of course I would generally want my gift to be something the recipient was genuinely happy to receive, but if the only thing that makes you happy is cash and you feel free to openly express this in writing, I don’t feel like complying. It saps me of good wishes and generosity. So I did want very much to give them something, and looked forward to the pleasure of doing so. I love to give gifts, and I love to attend the types of occasions where gifts are expected. There just isn’t any pleasure in complying with a request for cash and I don’t want to participate in that kind of thing.
I am trying to come up with the scenario you described above. So you have not been assimilated by your friends, your family, your church, a significant other, your synagogue? not sure I understand how that happens?
Hippy Hollow, if “helping the couple get started in life” is the clear point of the wedding celebration, then why the need to directly state the cash request? In case your guests are clueless buffoons who don’t “get it,” but will comply when given the correct orders? And what if the couple has been living together for years? Since they aren’t “getting started” at this point, would that mean we should skip the gifts? I hope not!
There are much worse things than being dated, so thanks I guess. I’m not going to discard my values because they aren’t hip or trendy enough. I am typically considered to be an alarming radical, so being dinged for being overly traditional is a change at least.
Obviously I was raised by wolves, but have taught myself to read English using the complete works of Judith Martin and do my best to escape notice in human society, suppressing my frequent desire to howl at the moon.
Gracious hosting’s not hard to do,
So don’t apply the Royal Screw.
Cash & Bonds & Gems might tell,
few have told you “Go To Hell”
So, have this toaster, best in class!
(Hope it matches all your brass)
(I had a better one for regrets, but you like these people?)
[QUOTE=AnaMen, Post 1]
Personally, I will never accept it, and will clutch my lace handkerchief in horror and decry it until my dying day, or until someone convinces me that I am wrong.
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=AnaMen, Post 56]
I’m not going to discard my values because they aren’t hip or trendy enough.
[/QUOTE]
Be prepared to clutch a lot of lace since it doesn’t look like the “until someone convinces me that I am wrong” clause is happening.
)