FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
Mr. Lendervedder was outraged by the statements being made by the so called moderators at the SDMB, and has decided to allow only Charter Members to speak for him. He cryptically ended his announcement by saying:
"I love’ ‘smoking’ ‘puppies’ ‘in a tux.’ ‘[I’m] a beer, cheese, porn, Paris Hilton, and fart obsessed buffoon.’
THE DALILY SCOOP
Digging for the Dirt
by Spoons
Those of you who have been following the ol’ Scoop for a while know how much I dislike putting words in other people’s mouths. Hey, if they said it, you know I’ll repeat it, and make them look worse in the process. But if they didn’t, they didn’t. I can’t do much about that … except wait.
But that’s why I’m a little puzzled by Frank’s reaction to the latest dirt out of The Lendevedder Group. Hey, if Happy wants to let the world know of certain things, who’s to complain? From cute puppies to cheese porn to the latest in tuxedo fashions, Happy’s there, and proud of it. His staff has been working like mad over the last few days churning out press releases telling us what Happy feels, thinks, says, or does. So far, he’s been named as the next James Bond, funded an Alzheimer’s home for children, farted in a meeting while diverting blame to Mark Davis, and stopped beating his wife. Who knows what Happy will do next? Don’t worry kids, the ol’ Scoop’ll find out, and you heard it here first.
But I gotta ask, who’s this Frank character who claims to speak for Happy? And who are these “moderators”? If there’s one thing Happy isn’t, it’s moderate. This is one guy who goes full-tilt and all-out to grab life by the … lapels. Anyway, and most importantly though, the ol’ Scoop has an uneasy feeling about this–how do we know our ol’ pal Happy has appointed Frank and the moderators as his new publicist agency?
Like I said, I don’t put words in people’s mouths until they themselves have put their own words out there, or substituted their foot for their words. Either way, the ol’s Scoop ain’t gonna believe this one from Frank, not no way or nohow, until he hears from Happy himself.
Hey Happy, you ol’ puppy-lovin’, true-blue tux-wearing American! Let us know, huh?
The Daily Scoop is a gossip column syndicated to 143 daily newspapers around the world.
The Group wishes to remind readers that The Source has also attempted to perpetrate vile camumnies such as: the declaration that “The King of the Wild Frontier” was Gomer Pyle; that Cal Ripken, Jr. sat out every Sunday, his place in the Orioles lineup being taken by a clone; that Margaret Thatcher was a sea-creature from the Marianas trench. (OK, so give 'em that last one.) We would also wish to point out that the pinnacle of the printed gazette that this 10 column-inches of innuendo and tripe appears in is the Kalamazoo Weekly Fishwrap, Car Exchange, and Penny Stock Trader with a more typical presentation being in the back of “independent” newspaper when they have failed to sell enough escort service ads.
Also The Group wishes to note that no further services will be provided Mr. Lendervedder until the check clears, as our accountant is dubious that The Bank of Butt Herpes actually exists.
Mr. Happy Lendervedder wishes to clarify again certain misconstrued items in statements made to the press. Of the several releases, four were issued in an incomplete form and included inaccurate information.
The four statements should have contained Art Linkletter, the vas deferens, Mary Lou Retton’s silver “vault” medal, and the number five, respectively. We regret the error.
I’m afraid you have reported erroneous information about me, sir.
As you will note from a statement issued at 2:42 on June 10, 2007, and I quote: “The Lendervedder Group, has led to the evacuation of six staff members, including CEO Happy Lendervedder himself, who detected a strong odor emanating from beneath the desk of chief ombudsman Mark Davis.… Although the investigation failed to reveal a fault in the gas lines – and in fact failed to reveal any gas lines at all – Mr. Lendervedder maintains the location of the odor’s source, and has cast a suspicious finger at his chief ombudsman’s involvement.”
bolding mine
You will be hearing from my attorneys shortly. And by “attorneys,” I mean my mother.
And Frank, I assure you The Bank of Butt Herpes does in fact exist, and will issue payment in full. So go ahead and have your accountants deposit the check, and your account will be credited in the next business day with 50,000 doll-hairs, as agreed.
I think you’re all doing splendidly, God’s work really. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go on waiting by my phone for Hollywood, Washington DC, and Wall Street to call me. I’m expecting their calls shortly.
Happy Lendervedder overheard singing at the Carnegie Deli, while dressed like Big Bird:
I need some pre-emptive damage control:
Last night the police discovered me at a public park outside Chicago with a dead pig in a burlap sack, 700 bottle rockets, a drum of vegetable oil and an undocumented Swede.
There was no arrest, and I don’t want to go into details, but I will say that everything was, for the most part, on the up and up. I’m just afraid of what the Smoking Gun’s gonna do with this when they find the police report.
Thanks,
Happy
Dear Happy,
Get that Swede some documents pronto!
All else can be expalined as part of the aftermath of Saturday’s World Naked Bike Ride.
Urgently,
The Dope
Oh man, you’re sunk.
No amount of spin will excuse your being near Chicago! 
Legal precedent is clear on such matters. May I direct your attention to the doctrine of “He who smelt it, dealt it.”
Which, in turn, was rendered moot by the argument of, “He who denied it, supplied it.”
Excellent. We’re Threadspotted. It’s only a matter of time before this shit’s picked up by all the major wire services. twickster, I think you’ll notice a little something extra in this week’s check. Good job.
Next, if anyone’s release makes it to a major news source, like CNN, NBC Nightly News or The Onion, you’ll make capo. And by “make capo,” I mean I’ll drink a shot of ouzo in your honor.
It’s an honor just to be a member of the Happy Team ™.
I read this as :
Lendervedder Group’s Fun New Medical Facility
For Immediate Release
Happy Lendervedder, owner and CEO of the controversial Lendervedder Group, announced plans today to open a free medical facility designed for the hosing and treatment of underprivileged children afflicted with Alzheimers.
Which, judging from what I have read about Happy, is right up his alley, what with the cheese-porn and all.
Happy Lendervedder Issues Denial
IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Happy Lendervedder categorically denies all allegations. Landervedder will give details as to the nature of the denial at a later date when it is more appropriate.
ASK A HAPPY LENDERVEDDER GROUP PRESS RELEASE
Dear Happy Lendervedder Press Group Release,
I’ve recently become concerned about my daughter Jill, who just turned 14. Although she grew up with My Little Pony figurines, Barbies, and Paris Hilton coloring books, she’s recently started to play softball, listen to Melissa Etheridge records, and wear flannel shirts and Birkenstocks. Although I’ll always love Jill, I’m really worried that she’s becoming a lesbian. How do I broach this subject with her while making it clear that I’m not being judgmental, just concerned about her welfare and the fact I may never have any grandchildren?
CONFUSED IN CANANDAIGUA
Dear Confused in Canandaigua,
The Happy Lendervedder Group is a worldwide organization devoted to enterprises as diversified as production of cheese porn, importation of fine beers, providing compassionate environments for pediatric Alzheimer’s patients, and unionizing all workers (including baby sitters and lemonade stand operators) so that they can earn fair wages that permit them to afford the fine products and services of the Lendervedder Group. Unfortunately, the fact that most Lendervedder Group employees and associates are hard-working, clean-living, generous men and women does not mean that the organization is perfect.
Recently, it was determined by an independent review panel (consisting of Mr. Lendervedder and several of his hand-picked minions) that the trust placed in one Mr. Mark Davis was misplaced. Although Mr. Davis’s ingratiating personality and knack for figures had allowed him to rise meteorically to a position in the Group’s hierarchy second only to that enjoyed by Mr. Lendervedder himself, the inquiry into a recent release of toxic fumes from a Lendervedder Group facility determined unequivocally that Mr. Davis was the source of the fetid miasma which would have been sufficient in itself to have declared the United States of America in permanent and irrevocable violation of the Kyoto Protocol had the USA been a signatory to that treaty.
It is to be hoped that the dismissal of Mr. Davis from his position at the Lendervedder Group, and the banning of him from any further dealings with our organization, should serve to remove any doubt that the Lendervedder Group is devoted to environmental and social responsibility. This statement shall be taken by the media as the Lendervedder Group’s last and binding word on this matter.
The representatives for the management of public statements apologize for the previous statements made in this thread. Those responsible have been sacked.
Sincerely,
Happy Llamavedder!!!
Happy Lendervedder Makes Announcement on Missing People
IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Happy Lendervedder, in association with the Lendervedder Group and the Amateur Publicists of the World, has agreed to speak with various policing authorities around the world, including Interpol and the FBI, on various notable disappearances over the last few centuries.
While not ready to make a full statement about all names to be included, Judge Crater, Charley Brewster Ross, and John Lake will be included.
Announcements as to time and other relevant issues will be handled in a following press release.
New Happy Lendervedder Film Completed
IMMEDIATE RELEASE
June 10, 2007 – Happy Lendervedder, in association with Cinéma de Fromage, is pleased to announce his latest full-feature release, Fromage`a Trois: Prison Break. A sexy romp through the delights of prison and cheese recently filmed entirely on location in an LA County prison. The film is set to co-star America’s sweetheart, Paris Hilton as Brie Camembert, the delectable prison recluse who just can’t get enough – cheese that is. And to fill out the delightful triumvirate is America’s favorite wedding-dress-wearing-man, Dennis Rodman as Stilton Munster the prison guard with needs. “I’m delighted to have a chance to work with both my personal heroes”, claimed Lendervedder. “Girls, Happy looks as good out of a tux as in one and his eyes are as blue as his testicles”, droned an exhausted looking Hilton. When asked about his involvement in the film, a strained Rodman exclaimed “It is in the can! Which is where I am headed after all of that cheese”.
Happy Lendervedder owns and operates The Lendervedder Group, parent company of Cinéma de Fromage. Mr. Lendervedder and his organization have recently come under fire from disgruntled ex-employee and self-described wing nut, Mark Davis. Mr. Davis, known for his gaseous outbursts and near constant retching has recently filed suit in Floevenhankenshinstville District Court claiming that he was forced to complete and enjoy unspeakable acts with cheese and thus has developed a severe gastrointestinal disorder. Mr. Lendervedder, The Lendervedder Group, and Cinéma de Fromage disavow any responsibility for said disorders and have suggested that Mr. Davis was indeed ‘faking it’.
LENDERVEDDER GROUP SIGNS DEAL WITH CREATION MUSEUM
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Happy Lendervedder, CEO of the controversial Lendervedder Group, today signed a media distribution deal with Brad Scudder, CPO of Creation Museum Inc, developers of the “Creation Museum Playland” chain of family learning centers.
Lendervedder and Scudder issued a joint press statement this afternoon:
“We believe the synergies between our two organizations will lead to great things in the future. The Lendervedder Group’s history of creative media achievements, combined with Creation Museum’s record of family-friendly accessibility, will lead to new and better experiences for both parents and children.” Afterwards, in an impromptu briefing, Lendervedder added, “Praise the Lord. And pass the cheese.”
While details of the deal remain undisclosed, industry observers point to Creation Museum’s recent cash-flow problems at its struggling broadcast division as a possible motivation.