The famous Happy Lendervedder, whose check has cleared, was assisted by police in the Chicago area late Sunday night. Mr. Lendervedder was discovered by police while removing the fuses from 700 bottle rockets. A witness, Ole Olafson, stated, “I was in Toronto, walking along Yonge St., when a gentleman in a fedora asked me if I wished to engage in a snipe hunt. ‘Shore,’ I said, whereupon he offered me a sample of the famous Canadian beer, Coors Light. When I woke up, I was wandering the woods of a park, carrying a heavy burlap bag. I assumed I had captured the snipe. Just then, Mr. Lendervedder, cold clear eyes piercing the gloom, rushed up to me, opened the sack, and removed 700 bottle rockets from the gaping maw of a dead pig. Bravely, he said, ‘Allow me,’ and proceeded to defuse the explosives. I was stunned by the clear-headedness and steady thinking of my stalwart savior, and retreated to the edge of the clearing, where I stumbled over a drum of vegetable oil.”
Police blame the drum of vegetable oil on juvenile delinquents.
Frank, you just earned yourself an icy cold Meisterbräu should our paths ever cross. If only all the “mods” were are as eloquent and intelligent as you, you might not have to drink that Meisterbräu alone.
To everyone else, here’s just a little reminder on what I believe in and what my strengths are. I don’t think anyone’s mentioned my ability to swim underwater with my eyes open yet. I kinda think this might be a selling point for Team Olympics USA. Plus, I’m just not feeling how good I look in a tux is coming across. Don’t be afraid of the adverb.
I’ve also just thought of a few more things I beleive in/about me:
-Terrorists should not be allowed to set foot in this country.
-I believe anyone that sets a baby on fire should be locked up for life without parole, or sentenced to death, local laws permitting.
-Perez Hilton, while truly satisfying a primal human need to read about celebrity gossip, really does nothing to make our society any better.
-In my heart, I believe that baseball is as American as apple pie and mom-- but only if you’re mom’s American.
-I have spectacular dental hygiene, per my dental hygienist.
-Racism is the bane of our existence.
To all the others providing such awesome copy: You’re writing fantastically (note the use of the adverb). If I’m unable to respond to each and every one of you, it’s only because I’m swamped with waiting for the phone to ring.
And Sternvogel, while not actually published by The Onion, your copy is definitely Onion-worthy, and therefore I’m making you Lt. Capo. And by “making you Lt. Capo,” I mean I just shotgunned a can of Miller High Life in your honor.
The internationally renowned Lendervedder Group has announced is plans to replace Mark Davis, the resident Muenster Meister, who was recently ousted from his position for, err, cutting the cheese during a recent staff meeting. All gaseous indivuals need not apply. EEOC
June 12, 2007 – The Lendervedder Group is pleased to announce that its CEO, spiritual guide, and social planner has foiled a diabolical plot intent on eliminating reproductive rights for puppies and kittens. The plot was being carried out by Lendervedder’s faithless arch-nemesis, Mark Davis in an underground lair. “I was traipsing around the Chicago Lakefront when I slipped on some vegetable oil and landed in the lake itself”, said Happy, looking entirely too good in his soaking wet tux – the sheen of which cast an enlightening glow on the entire area. “Fortunately I swim underwater with my piercing blue eyes open. That was when I noticed the underground lair”. Foiling the plot was a trivial matter. By the time police were on the scene Mr. Lendervedder had already rescued the pets as well as prepared a tasty pig roast for those that serve and protect. “I totally believe in a piece of the Middle East,” continued Happy, “once they get that whole rain thing under control.” Phone calls to Mr. Davis underground lair were not answered.
For Immediate release Happy Lendervedder loves puppies
Happy Lendervedder regrets any misunderstanding caused by a previous press release (below) and wishes to make it clear that his affections are directed solely to puppies. He has no interest in sheep.
LENDERVEDDER GROUP WOOS PEREZ HILTON Hopes to fill gap left by Mark Davis
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
June 12th, 2007 – Happy Lendervedder, CEO of the Lendervedder Group, announced today his intention to woo celebrity gossip blogger Perez Hilton away from his post to fill the recently vacated position of Chief Ombudsman, formerly occupied by gas leak suspect Mark Davis. Hilton’s zeal and passion for his work have led Mr. Lendervedder to seek out the gossip magnate, believing his abilities ideally suited for the prestigious right-hand position. “Perez’s savvy with the people, nose for controversy, and ability to handle whatever is thrown his way would put him at a significant advantage in our group,” Mr. Lendervedder said. “Plus,” he hadded, “He’s a useless assflap right now. Working for us would be an opportunity for him to do something worthwhile, and maybe make as much as minimum wage for a change.” Perez’s response to the initial offer is described as chilly at best. “Who the hell are you?” wrote Perez in his E-mail. “Genderbender group? Why the hell would I want to work for you? You need to make a better offer, honey.” There is no word yet on what Mr. Lendervedder’s counteroffer will be, but speculation is rampant, and some suggest a company bicycle may be included to sweeten the deal.
June 12th, 2007 – Happy Lendervedder, CEO of the Lendervedder Group, issued a statement today that clarified his position on sheep, namely that he has many positions on sheep, and that he enjoys every one of them.
“The oft-repeated slander that I have ‘no interest in sheep’ is an outright lie,” said Mr. Lendervedder. “The truth is that I have no *financial * interest in sheep,” he said through a spokes-ewe. “I of course continue my life-long carnal interest in them.”
Mr. Lendervedder then broke out in an a cappella rendition of “Can’t Get Enough of Ewe Baby” by ? and the Mysterians.
Lendervedder Chides Harrassment o CEO by Authorities While Attempting to Celebrate Local History
The Lendervedder Group, one of the Chicago area’s more respected organizations, is well known for its celebrations of our fair metropolis’ cultural roots. This stems from a pride instilled in us by our founder, Happy Lendervedder, who, even in his youth, wanted the world to recall what makes Chicago special. We can never forget the fabled night in college, when, sacrificing architecture for historical appreciation, he destroyed 2/3 of his freshman dorm in miraculous fashion (the only debris inspectors found was a butane lighter, some seared undershorts and several empty containers of Mexican food) in what he later claimed to authorities was an attempt to commemorate the great Chicago Fire.
Recently, anticipating the 142nd anniversary of the beginning of construction of the Union Stock Yards of Chicago, this same local son, our founder, was attempting to construct a fitting memorial when once again, he ran afoul of local law enforcement. Having secured a mass of unprocessed pork meat and a container of oil, with which he intended to create what he described as “an awesome simulation of how valuable by-products can be rendered from animal sources”, he and his companion, one Svenska Gunnarson, who is rumoured to be a grandneice thrice removed of Timothy Blackstone, the Stock Yards’ first president, made their way to a potential commemorative site with sufficient fireworks to properly celebrate the meaning of this former landmark.
The Union Stockyards first opened in 1865, after some six months of construction, and for the next century, was one of the most important meat processing areas of the world. Visited by cultural luminaries such as Rudyard Kipling and Sarah Bernahrdt, immortalized in the poetry of Carl Sandburg and the fiction of Upton Sinclair, the Stock Yards, ending over ten decades of service in 1971, was declared a Chicago Landmark in 1972, and a National Landmark in 1981. It is a crucial part of what, in the opinion of the Lendervedder Group, makes Chicago great.
During his attempt to pay proper homage to this vital part of our fair city’s past, however, Mr. Lendervedder was detained briefly by police. While we applaud the vigilance of our men in blue during these troubled times for our nation, we must nevertheless express publicly our condemnation of their suspicion of a local hero whose deep affection for our municipality has been proven to be beyond reproach.
It is our deep desire that such an error not occur again, and will welcome an apology from local government for very nearly besmirching the reputation of this individual.
