Gentle Reader, what you are about to read may shock and terrify you. That’s ok. 
Once again*, I risk life and limb to sneek into the hidden fortress of the SDMB One-Trick Pony Chowder and Marching Society.
In a darkened meeting room, in a secret basement of the SDMB’s servers (a sector of the HDD that even Jerry the Tech God dares not tread) is the secret meeting place of the SDMB One-Trick Pony Chowder and Marching Society. Most of them have gathered together today for a solemn occasion: it’s Try Out day!
Not every Doper can aspire to this lofty status! Only the few. The proud. The obsessed. And today, from their raised platform, the SDMB One-Trick Pony Chowder and Marching Society gathers together to examine several candidates to determine their true nature and their worthiness for induction into this mighty organization that knows…THE TRUTH!!
FatherJohn: FatherJohn calls our first candidate. You, lad, what do you have to offer us?
Reeder: Bush Sux!
KayKay: Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course. Sucking I mean.
FatherJohn: FatherJohn says that’s a promising start! How do you feel about SUVs?
Reeder: They’re Bush’s fault!
FatherJohn: (considers) Hm. FatherJohn will now open up discussion for the other members.
KayKay: How do you feel about blowjobs? I give the best, you know.
Reeder: Bush is responsible for me not getting any!
KayKay: But we can change that right after this interview! Mrrrrow!
JackDeanTyler: Are you circumcised?
Reeder: Bush is responsible for circumcising BILLIONS of babies! Personally! I have a website that proves that he’s a mohel!
JackDeanTyler: :eek: The bastard!
Reeder: Yup. He’s also fathered tens of thousands of babies out of wedlock. AND he’s impotent! AND he has orbital mind-control lasers! And he uses those orbital mind-control lasers to make other so-called liberals say they’re embarrassed by me…They say I’m making them “look bad”. Obviously, I’m the only person on the board who’s immune to the lasers!
SeeThruArt: What about the Moon-Men? I have proof of them, you know.
Reeder: Bush is covering them up, of course. We all know that there are Moon-men, but Bush, with the congressional wives, in collusion with the boy scouts has created a secret network of ninja killers to silence those who speak the truth! Other liberals may be scared of Bush’s ninja death squads, but I’m not cowed. That’s why they keep telling me to shut up. But I won’t! I have in my possession…
FatherJohn: A great interview. Great interview! Now go stand over there in the corner. We’ve got one other potential member.
badchad: Polycarp sux!
FatherJohn: :eek:
KayKay: :eek:
Jack Dean Tyler: :eek:
I Am Sparticus: :eek:
Deeward: :eek:
Seethruart: :eek:
Sweetwilly: :eek:
Taggart: :eek:
Everyone else: :eek:
Ukete: Why are you all standing around with your gobs open? He does suk. He’s over forty, right? So he’s old. Old people suk. And should die.
FatherJohn: Ok. Fatherjohn will admit that this is a new one on him. Why does Polycarp suk?
badchad: He doesn’t interpret the bible exactly like I do.
FatherJohn: Aaaaannnd?
badchad: (looks at feet, scuffs toe into floor) an’ people like him an’ everyone hates me and he’s smarter than me ‘n’ stuff.
Deeward: Oh honey, not everyone hates you. Englebert has a place in EHHQ for you.
Sweetwilly: Yeah, but Englebert’s a JEW! And circumcised!
Deeward: He is not. Either of them! His first single was "“Dommage Dommage”, though! I think it was about cheese.
Sweetwilly: What about Polycarp? Is he a Jew?
badchad: (spittle flecks flying) No. But the way he butchers the bible, he might as well be!
Jack Dean Tyler: Ok. Is he circumcised?
badchad: Probably. But if he did, he’s only half circumcised because he’s inconsistant! And he probably drives an SUV!
Fatherjohn: No!
badchad: Yes!
Fatherjohn: Fatherjohn has an announcement. With two such fine candidates, we are going to take the unprecsidented step of allowing two new members to join our legion today! Any objections?
I am Sparticus: In the words of Bartleby the Scrivener “I prefer not”
Fatherjohn: You prefer not to object or you prefer not to induct both of them? ( sotto voce ) Lord save Fatherjohn from the loonies.
I am Sparticus: Either one. Well of course I have been brushed off by the by you. We could have had had a political discussion. And of course it doesn’t do any good, but it wouldn’t have been downright cowardly and disgusting. When did we start standing up for tattle talers, squealers, rats and stool pigeons in this country?
Hiyruu: (interrupting, knowing that it’s pointless to wait for Sparticus to shut up on his own) Calculating the mass in metric kilotons that the SDMB’s goodwill to Polycarp generates and dividing it by the golden ratio, times the square root of love transobnurated by Reeder’s feelings towards Bush and figuring that as a percentage of PHI, I can calculate that we should let them both in.
Fatherjohn: Done and done!
King Nifty: Cite?
Fatherjohn: (exaperated) Shut up! Now Fatherjohn says: let’s party!
(Fatherjohn passes out grape-juice and graham crackers to all and there is much rejoicing!)
Roving Reporter Fenris, signing off!
*Other reports are here, True Believer! Excelisior!
Act 1
Act 2
Act 3
Act 4
Act 5
—Footnotin’ Fenris
Yeah, I thought you would!