Today the SDMB is hosting the first round of SD presidential debates. We’d like to thank our sponsors, The Chicago Reader and The Cecil Adams Ignorance Conservancy for their fine support and use of this space. I’m UncleBeer, your moderator for this round and here are the ground rules the candidates have agreed to.
A total of 10 questions, culled from http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=41727 will be presented to the candidates by myself. Candidates will each then have one positional response to the topic and two rebuttal replies. Rebuttals may be used at any time prior to the next question being asked. Rebuttals may be used to refute the other candidate’s positions or support one’s own position. I’ll try to allow ample response time before posing the next question. Inappropriate responses will earn the candidate an admonishment from the moderator. Heckling from the audience is encouraged. Finally, here are your six candidates.
[ul]
[li]Spoofe Bo Diddly - of the “Straight Dope Party”[/li][li]Jester - who is sitting in for the apparently abducted steeljaw, of the “I Wanna Live in that Big Ass House Party”[/li][li]Tripler - from the “Damn Good Third Choice Party”[/li][li]Ms. Shirley Ujest - of the “What the Hell, My Hat’s in the Ring Too Party.”[/li][li]iampunha - of the “Abolish Shirts Forever Party” and[/li][li]dpr - from “The True Alternative to Staid Politicians Party”[/li][/ul]
Thank you all for being here and let’s have a good clean fight. No hitting below the belt, kicking scratching or gouging of eyes. When the bell rings, I want you to come out … wait a minute … never mind … wrong sport.
The first question of the event is posed by sdimbert of the Environmental Lobby. He asks “The reckless logging of IP’s has been going on unchecked for months now, and we of DRIP (Democrats and Republicans for IP’s) feel that someone has to stand up to Big Business and tell them that the wholesale destruction of one of our vital resources is unacceptable. I want to know what the candidates plan to do about IP Logging.” Thank you Mr. sdimbert. Candidates, take it away …
Oh, gawd no. In fact, if you wish, you may start the vegetable throwing, too. We can make the candidates sit in putrefying lettuce and broccoli. I think that would be right fitting.
… checks that electronical equipment to give Jester the right answers is working. Checks notes for smear campaign on other candidates. Smells rotten fruit for throwing at other candidates … bleurgh… and hides behind the curtain.
<Walks out in pajama pants and a tee-shirt, looking disheveled. Sits on podium, catches fruit, takes a bite>
Ewwwwwwwwwww…rotten. That’s a mean thing to do when a guy just rolled out of bed.
<thinking>
IP’s? What the hell is an IP? Better act fast, boy, you’re running out of time.
</thinking>
Er…well…IP’s, are…well, a very…important…topic to me, and, yes, I agree…that someone has to take a stand against big buisnesses.
On another note that is in NO way designed to get off the topic of the original question, I’d like to say that big buisnesses are evil, evil corporations, and if I am elected, all of the power of big buisness will be taken away from it, and given to you, the dopers, since we are the least ignorant people in the world. Also, I’d like to see to it that all of the resources of big buisnesses be used to develop some sort of troll-vaporizing ray, which will be tested on concrete and all his sock puppets.
That said, all the other candidates only want to represent the top 1% of the world, and are all using fuzzy math.
Rotten fruit and veggies bounce off my padded 18 hour bra, in fact, crawling through the carnage like this debate is nothing for this candidate.
I have two sick kids and I, myself (and all the host of multiple personalities in my cranium) have a cold. Three hours of sleep-not in a row- and continous loop of the Teletubbies playing at my house. Chinese water torture would be like a day at the spa for this political war pony that I am.
::::dodging a sloppy tomato::::Hey, this isn’t what the Surgeon General meant when he said, " Five servings of fruits and veggies a day." I mean, you gotta use your tennis racket for the proper serving…
I’d like to take the first stab at this difficult topic. I’d like to first say that IP Logging is nowhere near the problem as JQ Logging, or even KR Logging. Between these and bandwidth hijacking, it has become clear that a free internet is now threatened.
To counter this threat, I propose an Intercontinental Anti-Logging Defense System (or ICADS) contracted out to the Stihl corporation. This system will be expertly manned by our burliest flannel-wearing men, expertly trained in the weapons platform and yelling “Timber!”.
IP Logging does not have to be the threat to the free internet I invented. Lets take a stand and together we can live under the umbrella of security.
As my first rebuttal, I’d like to target Tripler’s idea. First of all, it does not give any power to the Dopers, but instead brings in big, burly men in flannel to make decisions for us. This is not good. Empowerment to the Dopers!
But also, the acronym for Tripler’s plan does not spell out anything even close to being amusing. “ICADS”? What the heck? Do you really want a president who can’t even throw together a bunch of scientific-sounding words vaguely related to the topic, in order to make the acronym spell “SEXX” or something along those lines? I know I don’t.
“Vote for Jester in 2000: The only party with a Jester for a candidate and a filthy vice president.” -Campaign slogan courtesy of Spider-Woman.
Yay, Shirley! You da man! Er, you da Presidential material!
(Sorry about the cold - I’ve got it, too, and the bad news is, it seems to be a three-weeker. The good news is I brought an extra box of kleenex and I know how to defend against people armed with fresh fruit - so just leave the vegetable throwers to me.)
Jester dear, I think you need a campaign manager. And where is your esteemed filthy running mate?
You could make all those vegetables into a compost heap, and stand on them, for an environmental platform.
Shirley Ujest, are you and Jester related? I already pledged my allegiance to him but once he is elected, nepotism may be the good word.
About the IP logging issue, very near & dear to my heart: I’m taking a stand. I’m going to live right here on top of my computer until something is done. It might take weeks, months, years, but I hold fast to my tenets.
:::unfurling “Tripler: Damn Good 3rd Choice” banner:::
So, can somebody load this little dangling bucket with beer and snacks?
