SDMB Mock Election, MPSIMS style

Bring out your policies, lay out your platform. Put your case for becoming “mock president” of the SDMB.

I vow to create a “goat forum” on the SDMB. I will endeavour to make sure that all innitiation goats receive free healthcare for life. I will eliminate goat prejudice and create an environment which allows them to feel welcome on these boards. Oh and everyone gets free chocolate.

Voting is compulsory, but you are not allowed to vote for yourself. As I am the only candidate so far, my vote is: none of the above.

I volunteer to play Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of the Straight Dope, in the event that somebody complains that their vote wasn’t counted because the hamsters ate the post.

I hereby introduce Kambuckta, who is challenging the Sitting Member for the Seat of Melbourne as an Independent in the upcoming Federal election on Saturday.

Kambuckta will reasses the policy of allowing suburban driving pf 4WD’s (SUV’S to Merkin’s). They will have to go through a Mud Test to determine whether they have ever seen an ‘off-road’ experience. If they fail the test, they will be confiscated. Testing stations will be set up outside local primary schools to target the worst offenders…middle class mothers who only use the car to drop the kids at school before they head off to the gym via the cafe and the solarium. :smiley:

Kambuckta will remove street-beggars from the retail districts and relocate them (with full permits) to the waiting lounges of the CEO’s of major corporations who show record profits despite slashing staff numbers and cutting services to customers. They’ve got lots of money to spare it seems.

Kambuckta will introduce a policy of planting fruit trees on nature strips. Why have boring old trees when you can have lemons and oranges and apples free for the taking?

Kambuckta will facilitate the moving of Melbourne from it’s current latitude to something a bit more north where the weather is better**. We’ve got a great place here (barring the 4WD’s, the beggars and the useless trees), except it’s in the wrong place. :stuck_out_tongue:

**Yes, it is pissing down, and all my clothes are getting wet on the line and I am cranky. I think Melbourne would be much nicer in Sydney. Provided we get rid of Sydney first.


Aw, fuck.

SDMB elections?

I am so stoopid.

Just pretend that I was never here in this thread OK?


Although I am not the most experienced candidate in this election, I feel that quality is the issue here. My first order of business here will be to eliminate the registration fee (I’m broke and I like this board). Next, I will install more smiley characters (everybody likes smileys). Next, a dramatic pay raise for the moderators and administrators of this board. (Including the newly elected President). Next, I will work to build a stronger international coalition to fight spammers (I really like Aussie chics). Finally, I would seek and destroy all threads of mass destruction where they live and breed. (not sure what that means but it seems popular this season).

A vote for Mr. Niceguy is a vote for a nice guy !

Kambuckta, are you seriously an independent candidate for Melbourne? Are your initials SA? I live in Wills, about 500m away from Melbourne, but many of my friends live in Melbourne. What are your policies? Why should people vote for you?

Heey Atticus…

No, I’m not, they’re not, have none, and if anyone votes for kambuckta it would be a donkey.

[SIZE=2]By the way, Mockingbird is my favourite book of all time. I wanted my name on here to be Scout, but somebody had already nicked it…bugger 'em.[/SIZE]

I promise pie. Pie for everyone. Pie! Pie! Pie! Vote for me me and you get Pie! Don’t vote for me and Og Smite!

kambuckta ya coulda had Burris Ewell as your user name. :smiley:

I vote for swampy!

Who I know will remember, when the time comes to appoint his cabinet, that I was high judge and executioner of the “a” thread.


I have a procedural question. If Swampy wins this election, then loses the next one, and then runs again; does he have to run on the same platform? Or will it just be: “When run again…”

Whilst I was not the inventor of the **18"IBDHJD ** :eek: :eek: , I was the one who urged its proliferation. Make of that what you will. Vote for another at your peril!

I would make the membership fees to this board the sole responsibility of the last person to post a “XXX is a fascist!” political screed in the Pit.

I will launch an immediate priority program to breed more DopeGoats, and to drastically increase their…durability.

Oh, and drugs for the hamsters. Lots and lots of drugs. :smiley:
I vote for swampy, too.

Don’t be silly. One should never run in platforms. You could twist an ankle doing that! :smiley:

twicks you will be Head Person in Charge of Finding Out Whether Or Not Potential Dates Are Serial Killers.

I’ll vote for Swampy, 'cause I loves me some pie.

Although the 18"IBDHJD :eek: :eek: does sound like a platform I could jump onto …

Yeah, that didn’t sound so good. :shrug:

Vote for me and I will give you money :smiley:

Cheques will be made of edible rice paper and probably eaten in transit :smiley:

I think that’s the sort of thing one should ease rather than jump onto. At any rate it’s definitely one of those things that should take time and patience. :smiley:

A vote for lightingtool is a vote for progress!! What will swampy do for you?

[crowd]Give us pie!!![/crowd]

Oh. Um, I’ll give you MORE Pie!! In different flavors! And I’ll bring whatever pie you want, be it meat pies, pizza pies, apple pies, rhubarb pies and anything in-between!

Vote lightingtool - The only candidate with the proper tool to bring the darkest reaches of the SDMB some pleasant lighting.

And in a lightingtool administration, what position would I have?

insert (sic) rude jokes here


This great Board of ours has suffered greatly under the leadership of non-lesbians, non-psychologists, non-Jews and non-Pacific Northwesterners. What should have been a time of peace, prosperity, and the fighting of ignorance has instead devolved under their so-called “leadership” to nonpolar-baiting and petty squabbles about pie and the posting of links about **goatse. ** My friends, I have always paid my dues–can our beloved “Moderators” say the same? Unlike we common Dopers, they can–and do–engage in wanton and promiscuous **post-editing. ** *Post-editing! * When some among you have expressed the wish to edit, you’ve been condescended to, infantilized, offered the old, tired story that you would “use editing to change the history of a thread.” What have you heard but this pathetic twist on “Four legs good, two legs bad”? Under my watch, post-editing will be not only a right, but a responsibility.
Under my leadership we will see not only a huge and immediate upsurge in the use of the ;j emoticon, but also the introduction of **lesbian, gay, bi, and trans emoticons, ** a rain emoticon to reflect our proud Pacific Northwestern heritage, and yes, friends, even a pie emoticon to facilitate our dialogue.

You may be asking, why Shoshana? Why not matt_mcl, Cervaise, or other qualified Dopers? Because, my friends, in addition to my multiple oppressed minority identities, I am loud, I am officious, I am persistent, I am ***opinionated–***my friends, I am a true Doper.

Plus pie for everyone, of course. That goes without saying.

My advisors have advised me to not answer this question on the grounds that I would have named a position, thought of something dirty, then giggled like a school-girl.

Vote lightingtool! Don’t waste your vote on “ALL THAT IS GOOD AND TRUE AND RIGHT” - Just turn off the spin and vote in the light.

God, that was awful.

Friends, if you are tired of the “pawlytics as usual” trends at The Straight Dope, I strongly urge you to vote for Mr. Niceguy . My opponents are all Straight Dope insiders. They accept pie as contributions. As an outside the poop candidate, I will never accept pie in exchange for favors. While pie is good for the massses, it has no place in this election.

A vote for Mr.Niceguy is a vote for a nice guy.