Mr.Niceguy, I resent your implication that I am “inside the poop.” This sort of dirty campaigning will only end in tears, or a possible victory for you. So knock it off.
Vote lightingtool - I have no stance on the mighty issue of poop.
Mr.Niceguy’s pro-smiley policy is of grave concern to me. I’m just going to come right out and say it: I’m anti-smiley. I’ll leave it up to the states to decide whether they want to ban them or not, but, as for me, I hate 'em and rarely use 'em. I admit I don’t have all the answers, but I know one thing’s for sure; adding more smilies will only make things worse. In these uncertain times we don’t need some loose cannon who hasn’t a clue about how things work here at the SDMB foisting more silly emoticons on us.
If Mr.Niceguy and his smiley-lovin’ cronies are elected, the terrorists will strike again.
Well, you just lost lieu’s vote! 
These attacks are just more of the distortions we have seen over and over again. It is the pawlytics of fear that my oppents use to scare timid voters. It is the pawlytics of fear that hate smileys. Do you believe in the pawlytics of fear or the pawlytics of hope and Dope ?
A vote for Mr.Niceguy is a vote for a nice guy
(This ad was not paid for by anyone. I haven’t paid the registration fee that my opponents refuse to address)
“Qualified”? Are you shitting me?
I have a bumper sticker on my truck: “ME FOR PRESIDENT / Hey, it’s not as if I could do any worse.” (Lotsa laffs in the rear-view.)
I suspect the same would go for here.
“This time, why not the worst?” Vote me! At least you’ll know what you’re getting… 
My esteemed opponents seem to be jumping on the pie bandwagon a little late. I said it first and I said it best. A vote for me is a vote for pie. Pie! Pie! Pie! Yummy, Nummy Pie!
What if I throw in a keg of beer? On election day, right before you go to the polls.
Pie without rain is no pie at all.
I see swampy has resorted to petty bribery and I, for one, will not stand for this. I’m going for all-out, over the top bribery:
I’ve got a few cases of a nice Pale Ale homebrew sitting in my basement, and a fridge full of an IPA I tossed together a while back. And pie. Lots and lots of pie. Party at my place if I win.
My advisors have informed me I need to let all you folks know where I stand on the issues:
Post Editing: Against! Who needs it? A true* Doper vener makes mistajes.
Smilies: Against! If you go look at my posting record, you will find that I have only used smilies in 4.63% of my posts. I just made that up.
Poop: Eh.
Registration fee: The registration fee is an integral part of the SDMB. Mr.Niceguy wants to promise you a free board, but who will pay? You will, through an increased pie tax that my advisors tell me his is planning on implementing within minutes of his election. A vote for Mr.Niceguy is a vote against pie.
And where can I find this magical “pie bandwagon?” It sounds delicious.
Election News. The exit polls are beginning to indicate a runaway **swampbear ** victory with, uhh, 3 votes!
Well I am not afraid to fight dirty. I heard from a friend of a friend that swampbear’s pie contains innitiation goat! Can you trust a candidate who uses innitiation goat in their pie? I tell you my friends, I can’t! What would it say about our community if we elect an innitiation goat pie eater? Just think what that would mean. It beats the hell out of me.
In case you think all my policies are based round goats, think again! I have a broad set of measures intended to benefit all capricorns.
I have sat on the fence, but I am easily impressed by the use of 3 different types of colour, so I vote Shoshana.
Friends, what we have is two Straight Dopes. One for the wealthy pie mongers and one for everybody else. Two different smiley controls, one for the wealthy pie mongers and one for the rest of us. Together, we can change. They don’t even hide their reckless and decadent pie mongering. One candidate has stooped to playing the race / gender / sexual orientation / birthplace card. I don’t even know how to play cards people ! If you are tired of two Straight Dopes, one for the wealthy pie mongers and one for the rest of us, just walk away from all the negative pie slinging and vote for Mr.Niceguy .
A vote for Mr.Niceguy is a vote for a nice guy
As SDMB President My first move will be to make frengweggleborgamerdfulmpreegish the official language of the Board.
I will have to ban all members with the letter ‘p’ in their dopername.
Colours (except ‘grape’) will be eliminated and the thread backgrounds will be black (with black text)
The post-count of all members who’s count is over 10,000 will be commandeered and shared amongst all dopers who’s name begins with ‘Lobsan’
The word ‘cup’ will be made illegal.
Running naked through threads is mandatory, and any thread not ran through naked by the 100th view will be deleted.
I will have the raised eyebrow of :dubious: moved to the left eye.
Images will remain off, with the exception of pictures of carpet.
It will be compulsary to post in threads about sand.
I’d like to change my vote to lightingtool. He seems to be a Southern California homebrewer, and therefore a Really Cool Dude, by definition. Unless he is a Falcon. The Falcons are all snobs.
Lightingtool, be ye a Falcon? A Bandit? A (Og forbid!) IEBer? What be your homebrew club affiliation?
You know, as I wander this great nation of ours <pause for applause> and visit spectacular places like <glances at note cards> the Straight Dope Missage, uh, Message Board <pause for applause>, I can’t help but ask one question. Does the SDMB need a nice guy or a person with the experience to get the job done? <pause for wild cheering> ‘Nice’ doesn’t put a chicken in every pot, folks. ‘Nice’ asks what its country can do for it and not what it can do for its country. ‘Nice’ is soft on crime. ‘Nice’ is constantly going on about the wrong inter-board war at the wrong time. ‘Nice’ won’t be happy until gay abortion doctors are selling imported Canadian drugs to your children, folks.
Don’t be fooled by nice! A vote for nice is a vote for the destruction of the values you people of the SDMB hold nearest to your hearts.
<the crowd goes wild>
Friends, my opponents would have you believe that this election is about pie. But what kind of pie is it? I have convincing evidence that at least one of my opponents intends to make English-style meat pies, and that’s just un-American. Further, he intends to make use of the board hamsters as the meat source! This is no way to have pie.
I support your right to have pie, that’s true. But I also support your right to choose cake! Now, some may call me a radical for this stance, but I believe that cake acceptance is coming, and that the majority of the SDMB will embrace it. And I support religious freedom as well - both devil’s food and angel’s food cakes will be made available.
Vote for me, CandidateGamera. I’ll make sure you get your just desserts™.
Crap. Now I have to switch sides and vote for my Wonder Twin. But I want pie and cake, do you hear me??
Oh, you go both ways, eh? 
Of course, of course. I even support your right to have both at the same time. Or two cakes. Whatever floats your boat.
I know that I have yet to recieve any votes but don’t get discouraged. I know my supporters are out there and from here we’re gonna go on to Uruguay, and then Istanbul, and then we’re gonna go to Easter Island, and then we’re gonna go to Isla de Mujueres, and then we’re gonna go to Bora Bora, and then we’re gonna go to Wake Island, and then we’re gonna go to Antartica…Whooaoaoaooaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoooow !!!
By the will of the SDMBican people, I’ve decided to form an Exploratory Committee. Smilies threaten our way of life. We must hunt down the smilies and kill them, wherever the are.
Citizens, lurkers, dopers, lend me your ears. I come to bury Mr.Niceguy, not to praise him. The evil that men do lives after them, the good is oft interred with their pie.
Some of my opponents think the electorate fools. Well I can you tell you I know my constituency. I would know if they could be taken in by plagiarism. That is why you can trust the Courgette.
Some of my opponents will tell you you can have your cake and eat it. Well, I am here to tell you it ain’t so, Joe. Not unless you vote for a candidate who has an impeccable record on the zucchini question.
Some of my opponents are quite literally flim flamming on the smilie debate. Well I have stated on record that I will lower both eyebrows on the :dubious: smilie. Repeat after me: “I will not raise eyebrows”.
To conclude, you are either with me (and get pie and money and goat and chocolate and free membership and other stuff) or more likely you are with Lobsang.
Although he’s much too modest to admit it, our own watsonwil has already served as President of a message board with thousands of users, so I think he’s up to the task of whipping this board into shape, and he has my vote.
–Cliffy