I will implement a tearing-hair-out smiley.
You ask for pie, but he offers you cake. My friends, where will it all end?
I can also offer floor-pie.
And free goo.
And a Professor Moody smiley.
And a and.
My friends, as your Presidoper I can promise one thing for certain. All your base will not belong to us,
All. Your. Base. Will. Belong. To. You.
Now drop those balloons and let’s party liberally. 
I will cast my vote for Swampy as well, whether or not he is wearing platforms.
However, I think we need to see a debate between the candidates. Perhaps we can provide a list of questions that each one needs to answer?
What are the parties? I mean, clearly there is a pie party, but what about the rest?
Will there be a convention?
Populist vote or electoral college?
What other offices? Vice-President? Secretary of TMI?
Do we need some sort of Dope Constitution? A Declaration of Indopependance?
"We, the people, of the SDMB find these truths to be self-evident:
[ol]
[li]Pie is good[/li][li]Og Smash[/li][li]Hi, Opal"[/li][/ol]
Zog_10 brings up a good point. I’m tired of just hearing promises. I want answers to specific questions!
Candidates, where do you stand on the Item 3.) issue? Some Dopers object to the Hi Opal, others get violently ill at the Hack her to death with a kitchen knife option, other post two-item lists willy-nilly. What will you, as our President, do to unify the SDMB when it comes to a list with only two items?
I won’t stoop to suggesting the Sean Factotum is drunk, but–okay, get 'im, boys!
There. Isn’t the board more secure now?
Note to fellow candidates: I sense that some of the electorate are begining to see through our veneer of adequacy. We need to stand firm and continue our policy of offering pie or this might get out of hand. If word gets out that we might be as dumb as some of our policies, it could make us look bad.
Ahh, good questions. I will put them down here next to some pie.
OK, where were we. Lists. Well, let me say this about lists. Lists are for girlie men politicians who use some of that counting voodoo. I am against voodoo, so I am against lists. And let me say this about voodoo. Voodoo is 1. bad for the SDMB, 2. bad for the environment and 3. Hi Opal!
Now on the more general subject of questions, let me say I am against them. For one think it diverts attention away from other stuff. Then, if that was not bad enough, they make me look bad.
Anyway, I thought my campaign needed some razmataz, so:
A vote for the Courgette is a vote for An Holistic Approach to Goat Micro Management Issues!
Note to mods: Any chance of using some of that Edit Post thingy I have heard about, and you know, ummm, sort of adjust the votes that have been cast a little bit. You know what I mean. ::nudge nudge::. I am not going to say you will never want for anything ever again. But you know what I am saying.
I thank you for your support. I pledge to name a PIE after any doper who votes for me. PIE! PIE! PIE! A PIE in every garage! Two PIES in every pot. Ask not what Pie can do for you but what you’re willing to do for Pie! And COOKIES!
The parties can be found around my pool most weekends during Summer. PIE is served.
We don’t need no stinkin’ conventions. We need PIE!
I promise free tuition and PIE to any dope who wants to attend Electoral College.
Any Doper can have any office he or she wants to make up and have, as long as that office always has PIE.
We declare the right of the people to have PIE. We don’t need a Constitution. Dopeland is all about Anarchy! Anarchy and PIE!
PIE! PIE! PIE!
My campaign is so brilliant, the other candidates have resorted to mudslinging. I, however, will sling only PIE!
Wie bitte?
And I’m not drunk, unless there’s something being put in all this pie that’s flying around.
What, you’re accusing swampy of pie in the sky?
grabs a torch and joins the throng of roisterous villagers
There are people who are persuaded by pie.
Others are persuaded by cake.
What about the rest of the demographic? The one’s that want Ice Cream* with their cake and pie? The ones that like the gooey interior of the pie, but the crust is suspicous looking and they like the rich taste of cake, but the frosting is too sweet.
Ice Cream offers not only a perfect balance between the gooiness and the sweet temptations of each party, but it melts like an orgasm in your mouth, leaving you only satisfied.
Vote for Shirley Ujest is a vote for orgasms ala mode!
Sponsored in part by the Dairy Farmers & Prostitutes of America
You want pie…you got pie!
More than enough for the Hungry Dopers of the World.
Vote early, vote often. A vote for Somebody is a vote for Progress.
Here we have all of these candidates promising dessert.
But WHO are all of these dessert-promisers? Are they endorsed by any of our major pie or dessert associations?
SDMBers-- Let us not split the vote by supporting multiple desserts. Decide what flavor of pie you prefer. Our political process does not leave room for more than two major dessert candidates. Any more would likely invoke an election decision by our SDMB Mods.
Or are these just the election primaries?
I say we have a debate about our dessert policies!
I have nothing to fear and nothing to hide ( especially if I am in a swimsuit.)
I have nothing to fear and nothing to hide (** Except** if I am in a swimsuit.)
You are right singersargeant. There is something fishy about all these single issue desert based candidates. And who wants fishy desert? Are they in the pocket of some mega desert corporation? Friends, ask yourself those questions when you consider your vote.
Pie! Pie Ala Mode! Ice Cream Pie! Pie! Pie! Pie!
Every third drunk driver pulled over will be severely beaten on the side of the road. The program would include promotional materials sent to bars and nightclubs that say “Don’t be number three”. Drunk driving solved.
Confiscated narcotics would be laced with a chemical that makes the user violently ill and returned to the street. Once this becomes known, new users don’t start and casual use stops. The supply skyrockets and the price plummets. Chronic users OD on cheap drugs and dealers kill each other for territory to maintain their profit margins. Drug problem solved.
The third lifetime felony becomes a death penalty offense. Crime problem solved.