Not bad, guys. Too bad I’m not such a LoTR geek. I don’t get all the references. I do love Monty Python though …
Imagine Gollum being tortured in Mordor, with his raspy little voice wheezing out “Always look on the bright side of life”
To the tune of “Dennis Moore”; “Aragorn. Aragorn, bum bum bum bum buuuuum!”
The grand event: The Upper Class Orc of the Year Awards!
(I’m giggling at the idea of orcs kicking the begger)
GANDALF: Excuse me, I saw your advertisement for flying lessons and I’d like to make an application.
RADAGAST: Certainly. Would you come this way, please?
(RADAGAST leads GANDALF all over Arnor, and to the top of Orthanc.)
RADAGAST: Well, Mr Saruman’s on the phone at the moment, but I’m sure he won’t mind if you go on in. Through here.
GANDALF: Thank you.
(He goes through door. Saruman is suspended by a wire about nine feet off the ground. He is on the palantir.)
SARUMAN: Ah, won’t be a moment. Make yourself at home. (into phone) No, no, well look, you can ask Mr Sauron but I’m sure he’ll never agree. Not for an elf-ring … no… no. Bye-bye Witch-King. Bye-bye. Oh dear. Bye-bye. (he throws receiver at telephone but misses) Missed. Now Mr er…
GANDALF: Gandalf.
SARUMAN: Mr Gandalf. So, you want to learn to fly?
Gandalf: Yes.
SARUMAN: Right, well, up on the table, arms out, fingers together, knees bent…
GANDALF: No, no, no.
SARUMAN: (very loudly) Up on the table! (GANDALF gets on the table) Arms out, fingers together, knees bent, now, head well forward. Now, flap your arms. Go on, flap, faster… faster… faster… faster, faster, faster, faster - now jump! (GANDALF jumps and lands on the floor) Rotten. Rotten. You’re no bloody use at all. You’re an utter bloody wash-out. You make me sick, you pipe-weed!
GANDALF: Now look here…
SARUMAN: All right, all right. I’ll give you one more chance, get on the table…
GANDALF: Look, I came here to learn how to fly on an eagle.
SARUMAN: A what?
GANDALF: I came here to learn how to fly on an eagle.
SARUMAN: (sarcastically) Oh, on an ea-gle. Oh, I say, we are grand, aren’t we? (imitation posh accent) ‘Oh, oh, no more lembas for me, mater. I’m off to fight a Bal-rog. Pardon me while I fly on an eagle.’ Now get on the table!
GANDALF: Look. No one in the Third Age has ever been able to fly like that.
SARUMAN: Oh, I suppose Eru told you that while you were out riding. Well, if people can’t fly what am I doing up here?
GANDALF: You’re on a wire.
SARUMAN: Oh, a wire. I’m on a wire, am I?
GANDALF: Of course you’re on a bloody wire.
SARUMAN: I am not on a wire. I am flying with my ring-magic.
GANDALF: You’re on a wire.
SARUMAN: I am flying.
GANDALF: You’re on a wire.
SARUMAN: I’ll show you whether I’m on a wire or not. Give me the ring.
GANDALF: What?
SARUMAN: Oh, I don’t suppose we know what an “ring” is. I suppose Ea thought they were a bit common, except for the bleedin’ elves.
GANDALF: Oh, a ring.
SARUMAN: (taking ring) Thank you, your bleeding Highness. Now. Look. (he waves hoop over head and feet)
…
Voice Over: Anyway, this rather pointless bickering went on for some time until…
Caption: ‘TWO DAYS LATER’ (GANDALF riding on the back of GWAIHIR).
GANDALF: Gosh, I am glad I’m a fully qualified eagle-rider.
(Cut to Eagle sitting at a desk)
OTHER EAGLE: The Society of Eagles would like to point out that it takes Four Ages, not two, for a wizard to become a fully qualified eagle-rider.
Merry: Very proper, isn’t it? Very proper.
All: Right, all right.
Sam: Good mug of fourteen-twenty, ain’t just that, sire?
Frodo: Oh, you’re right there, Sam.
Pippin: Right.
Merry: Who would have thought, thirty years ago, we’d all be sitting here
drinking fourteen-twenty, eh?
All: Aye, aye.
Pippin: Them days we were glad to have the price of a bottle of Bud.
Sam: Right! A bottle of Bud Lite.
Pippin: Right!
Frodo: Without imports or microbrews!
Merry: Or whiskey!
Pippin: In a cracked stein and all.
Frodo: Oh, we never used to have a stein! We used to have to drink out of
a rolled-up newspaper!
Sam: The best we could manage was to suck on a piece of damp bar rag.
Merry: But you know, we were happy in those days, although we were neutral.
Pippin: /Because/ we were neutral!
Frodo: Right!
Sam: My old Gaffer used to say to me: “Meddling in the affairs of wizards
don’t bring you happiness, son!”
Merry: He was right!
Pippin: Right!
Frodo: I was happier then and I had nothing! I used to live in this tiny
old dirt house running errands for crazy old Bilbo.
Pippin: House! You were lucky to live in a house! I used to live in one room,
with twenty-six other Tooks, no furniture, half the floor was missing,
and we were all huddled together in one corner for fear of falling,
and doing every task that came into the Thain’s mind.
Merry: You were lucky to have a room! I used to have to live in a corridor!
Wondering what the Master of Buckland would make me do next.
Sam: Oh, I used to dream of living in a corridor! Would have been a palace
to me! I used to live in an old watertank on a rubbish tip. I’d wake
up every morning by having a load of rotten fish dumped all over me!
House, huh!
Frodo: Well, when I say a house, it was just a hole in the side of a hill,
with a horrible nasty color scheme, but it was a house to me!
Sam: I was evicted from my hole in the side of a hill. Had to go away
on a silly quest as punishment for a bit of eavesdropping, I did.
Merry: You were lucky to have a quest! I was in service to a king of horses!
Pippin: A king who liked horses?
Merry: Aye!
Pippin: You were lucky! I lived for three months in the palace of a lunatic!
I used to have to get up every morning, at six o’clock and stand guard
when all the enemies were outside the city, with only one breakfast,
fourteen hours a day, week in, week out, for six pence a week, and
when I got home, the Steward would blame me for his favorite son
getting himself killed and no Ring to show for it!
Sam: Luxury! I used to have to wake up in the Dead Marshes at three o’clock
in the morning, boil the brackish water, eat a handful of foul cram,
walk twenty hours a day towards Mount Doom, for two pence a month,
make a cold camp, and Gollum would wring my neck with his sneaky hands
if I so much as blinked all night, if I was lucky!
Merry: Well, of course, I had it tough! I used to have to get up in the
middle of the night hungover from drinking ent-draughts, lick the road
clean for Shadowfax with my tongue, eat half a handful of freezing
cold oats which weren’t fresh enough for the horses, kill twenty-four
orcs a day for four pence every six years, and when I got home,
the Lord of the Nazgul would strike me dead from sheer terror!
Frodo: Right! I had to get up in the morning, at ten o’clock at night,
half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold spiderflesh,
throw Rings of Power into the Crack of Doom 'til my fingers fell off,
pay Sauron for permission to pass Barad-dur, and when I got home,
Saruman would stab me with his knife and dance about on my grave,
singing “Neither health nor long life will you have!”
(pause)
Pippin: Aaaah. And you try telling the young hobbits of today that, and
they won’t believe you!
All: No, no they won’t!
G.B.H., that was great!
Here’s a little one I tossed-off recently in Mordor…
Isn’t it awfully nice to be a Nuzgul?
Isn’t it awfully good to be so bad?
It’s great to be so evil,
It’s divine to go torment.
The tiniest little Hobbit
To the World’s biggest Ent.
So three cheers for us riding on our horses.
Hooray for us stabbing young Frodo.
We will kill Merry, Pippin, Frodo
And, of course, fat Sam.
If anyone can do it
Then us Dark Riders can.
Nobody can stop us
In our dreadful, wicked plan
To get the magic…
Oh, thank you very much.
I love this thread. I’ve been laughing all day due to this. Keep it coming people please.
Thudain, that was terrific!
“Luxury!”
Some call me . . . Tom Bombadil.
(Aragorn)
The world today is absolutely crackers.
With magic rings to blow us all sky high.
There’s fools and idiots sitting on the trigger.
It’s depressing, and it’s senseless,
and that’s why…
I like Shire-ese,
I like Shire-ese,
They only come up to your knees,
Yet they’re always friendly and they’re
ready to please.
I like Shire-ese,
I like Shire-ese,
There’s quite a bundle of them
in the world today,
You’d better learn to like them,
that’s what I say.
I like Shire-ese,
I like Shire-ese,
They come from a land that’s near the trees,
But they’re cute, and they’re cuddly,
and they’re ready to please.
I like Shire-ese food,
The waiters never are rude,
Think of the many things they’ve done to impress,
There’s pipe-weed, burrows, eating and rest.
I like Shire-ese,
I like Shire-ese,
I like their furry little feets,
etc.
Could someone help me finish this?
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by tetsusaru *
**Gandalf:
To the bridge of Khazad-Dum!
Gimili {breaking into song}
We are the dwarves of Moria
We dig for gold, not scoria
If youre an elf And up yourself Then odds on well abhor ya.
Legolas:
We are the elves of Rivendell
By macho dwarves were given ell
With chartreuse tights
And blonde highlights
In forest glades we live and dwell
Boromir:
We are stern Lords of Minas
Tirith {though short one Highness}
Were fierce and proud We toot horns loud And dont suffer from shyness
Ringwraiths:
We are nine pallid Nazgul
Who dress in black, and as you`ll
Have no doubt guessed
We seldom jest
And find Led Zep, not jazz cool.
Gandalf:
Let us not go to the bridge of Khazad-Dum. For it is a silly place.
Radagast the Brown:
A minor wizard, Radagast
Im gloomy cos they had a cast
Ing couch. This flicks Suffused with chicks Not mages, so Im sad, aghast.
Gollum:
Alas for poor thin Gollum
For in his debit column
He`s down one ring
His precious thing
No wonder he looks solemn.
Brilliant, guys.
Earthquake every time anyone says the Lord of the Rings:
Elves: All I said was that that’s a bit of fish fit for the Lord of the Rings.
Gandalf: Blasphemy!
Elves: What? We can’t mention the Lord of the Rings?
Gandalf: NO!
Elves: We mean Frodo, not Sauron.
Gandalf: Stop saying that!
Elves: Saying what?
Gandalf: The Lord of the Rings!
Elrond: Whoops.
Undead King: Hallo! Haallooo!
Fatty Bolger: Er… 'allo? Who’s that then?
Undead King: We are Nazgul! Whose house is this?
Fatty Bolger: This is the house of me master, Frodo Baggins!
Undead King: Tell you master that we have been charged by Sauron with an unholy quest! If he gives us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the One Ring.
Fatty Bolger: Well, I’ll ask him, but I don’t think he’ll be very keen. He’s already got one, you see.
Undead King: What?
Nazgul2: He says they’ve already got one!
Undead King: Are you sure he’s got one?
Fatty Bolger: Oh yes, it’s very nice!
Undead King: Well can we come in and have a look?
Fatty Bolger: No, you are Mordor types!
Undead King: Well what are you then!
Fatty Bolger: I’m Shire! Why do think I have this overdone cockney accent, you silly Undead King!
(pause)
Fatty Bolger: Anyway, what are you doing in the Shire?
Nazgul3: Mind your own business!
Undead King: If you will not show us the Ring shall take your house by force!
Fatty Bolger: You don’t frighten us, Mordor death-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly Sauron. I blow my nose at you, so-called Undead King, you and all your silly Mordor Nnnnnazgul. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!
Nazgul2: What a strange person.
Undead King: Now look here, my good hobbit!
Fatty Bolger: I don’t want ta talk to you no more, you empty headed skeleton ring wraith sucka! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a dwarf lord and your father smelt of Elbereth!
Nazgul2: Is there someone else in there we could talk to?
Fatty Bolger: No. Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time… sniff
Entering the Mines of Moria…
Gimli: Blimey, s’hot in here, Bruce.
Legolas: S’hot enough to boil a goblin’s bum.
Aragorn: That’s a strage expression, Bruce.
Legolas: Well Bruce, I heard Lord Elrond use it. S’hot enough to boil a goblin’s bum in 'ere, my Lady Galadriel, he said, and she smiled quietly to herself…
Adrian Wapcaplet: Aah, come in, come in, Mr…Baggins. Aaah, welcome to
Elfbat, Follicle, Goosegollum, Ampersand, Balrog, Wapcaplet, Orgeliver,
Vendetta and Prang!
Mr. Baggins: Thank you.
Wapcaplet: Do sit down–my name’s Wapcaplet, Adrian Wapcaplet…
Mr. Baggins: how’d’y’do.
Wapcaplet: Now, Mr. Baggins… Baggins, Baggins… Mordish, is it?
B: No.
W: Aah. Now, I understand you want us to advertise your washing powder.
B: A ring.
W: Ring, washing powder, what’s the difference. We can sell anything.
B: Good. Well I have this very old ring, three thousand years old to be exact, which I inherited, and I thought if I advertised it–
W: Of course! A Middle Earth campaign. Useful stuff, rings, no trouble there.
B: Ah, but there’s a snag, you see. Due to bad planning, the ring completely corrupts all who wear it. So it’s not very useful.
W: Well, that’s our selling point! “BAGGINS’ INDIVIDUAL MORALITY TESTERS!”
B: What?
W: “THE NOW RING! READY CAST, EASY TO HANDLE, BAGGINS’ INDIVIDUAL KINGLY RINGS - JUST THE RIGHT SIZE!”
B: For what?
W: “A MILLION HOBBITHOLE USES!”
B: Such as?
W: Uhmm…making really small cookies, attatching notes to pigeons’ legs, uh, destroying hobbithole pests…
B: Destroying hobbithole pests?! How?
W: Well, if they’re bigger than a orc, you can have them choke on it, and if
they’re smaller than an orc, you flog them to death with it!
B: Well surely!..
W: “DESTROY NINETY-NINE PERCENT OF KNOWN HOBBITHOLE PESTS WITH RUSTPROOF, EASY-TO-HANDLE, LOW CALORIE BAGGINS’ MORALITY TESTING KINGLY RINGS, FREE FROM ARTIFICIAL COLORING, AS USED BY RINGWRAITHS !”
B: Ringwraiths!?!?!?!!?
W: Have you ever seen a ringwraith who wasn’t wearing a ring?
B: No, but it’s only a ring!
W: ONLY A RING?! It’s everything! It’s…it’s lava proof!
B: No it isn’t!
W: All right, it’s lava resistant then!
B: It isn’t!
W: All right, it’s lava absorbent! It’s…a Super Absorbent Ring!
“ABSORB MOUNT DOOM TODAY WITH BAGGINS’ INDIVIDUAL LAVA ABSORB-A-TEX RINGETTES! AWAY WITH VOLCANOS!”
B: You’re mad!
W: Shut up, shut up, shut up! Sex, sex sex, must get sex into it. There’s this nude elf in a pond wearing your ring. That’s great, great, but we need a healer, got to have a medical opinion. There’s a nude elf in a bath with a healer–that’s too sexy. Put a wizard in there watching them, that’ll take the curse off it. Why not Gandalf the Grey ? No, no, he’s dead… nevermind, we’ll get Gandalf the White, it’ll be cheaper… So, there’s this nude elf…
“…making really small cookies…” 
I tell you, this thread just keeps getting better and better.
And, so as not to completely abandon the original song theme…
The Uruk-Hai Song
Oh, Im an Uruk-Hai and Im OK
I march all night and I fight all day
I put on women`s clothing
And hang around in inns
I like to fillet hobbits
Among my many sins
Waaahahahahaha!
(Scene: Large hall in Rivendale with a large map of Middle Earth on the wall and a large throne on which sits Elrond.)
Elrond: Next please.
Frodo walks into the hall looking uncertain.
Elrond: (looking up) One at a time please.
Frodo: There is only me, sir.
Elrond: (looking surprised then covering one eye with a hand) So there is. Take a…
Frodo: Seat?
Elrond: (looking over Frodo’s right shoulder) Seat! Yes! Take a seat. So, you want to join my Fellowship, do you? (keeps looking off to right)
Frodo: (rather uncertain) Me?
Elrond: Yes.
Frodo: Yes, I’d very much like to.
Elrond: Jolly good, jolly good. (he makes a mark on a sheet of paper then looks straight at Frodo) And how about you?
Frodo: There is only me, sir.
Elrond: (putting hand over eye and looking both at Frodo and to his right) Well, 18 was too many for the Fellowship anyway. Now let me fill you in. Gandalf is leading this Fellowship and you’re going to climb both peaks of Mount Doom.
Frodo: I thought there was only one peak.
Elrond: (getting up, putting one hand over one eye again and going to large map of Middle Earth on the wall.) Well, that’ll save a bit of time. Well… Now, the object of this Fellowship is to throw the Ring into the pits of Mount Doom and to see if we can find any trace of Durin’s expedition to Moria.
Frodo: Durin’s expedition?
Elrond: Yes, Gimli’s brother was leading that. They were going to build a bridge between the two peaks of Moria. (Pauses, then looks at map with one hand over eye again.) My idea I’m afraid. Now, I ought to tell you that I have practically everyone I need for the Fellowship so what special qualifications do you have?
Frodo: Well, as a…
Elrond: Yes, you first.
Frodo: There is only me.
Elrond: (to Frodo’s right) I wasn’t talking to you. (to Frodo) Carry on.
Frodo: Well sir, I’m a Hobbit and…
Elrond: Hobbit? Hobbit? (gets up and consults dictionary) Where the devil are they, hobgoblin, hobble, hobby… ah, Hobbits: ‘small, hairy footed beings skilled in eating, drinking, burgling and carrying magic rings’. Jolly good, that’ll be useful, well you’re in. Congratulations, both of you. Well, er, what are your names?
Frodo: Frodo Baggins.
Elrond: Frodo Baggins, right well look, I’ll call you (to Frodo) Frodo Baggins one, and you (to Frodo’s right) Frodo Baggins two, just to avoid confusion.
Frodo: Are you actually leading this expedition Elrond?
Elrond: No, I have a pair of rangers named Aragorn who are leading this expedition to Mordor.
Frodo: And what routes will both of them be following?
Elrond: Good question! Well the Fellowship will be leaving on one or the other of the January 22nds and taking the following routes. (goes over to the map) The South Roads through the Mirkwoods down on the main roads near the Lothlorians avoiding the Carathadas and then taking the eastern roads through both Mines of the Morias entering the Rohans from the North. From Rohans we go through the Gondors to Mordors. We take the South road towards the Cracks of Doom for about twelve miles and then ask.
Frodo: Does anyone speak Orcish, Elrond?
Elrond: Oh, yes I think most of them do down there.
Frodo: No, does anyone in our party speak Orcish?
Elrond: Oh, well Gimli’s got a smattering.
Frodo: Apart from the two Gimlis …
Elrond: Great Gladriel, I’d forgotten about him!
Frodo: Apart from them, who else is coming on the Fellowship, Elrond?
Elrond: Well we’ve got the Samwise twins, two elves called Legolas, the other Hobbit pair…
Frodo: Two of them?
Elrond: No four of them, a pair of identical twins, two of the Toooks and you two.
Frodo: And none of these are Wizards?
Elrond: Well we’ve got a brace of guides called Gandalf… because Mount Doom is a pretty tricky climb you know, most of it’s up until you reach the very very top, and then it tends to slope away rather sharply. But Gandalf’s put his heads together and worked out a way up. (opens door) Gandalf? (Gandalf walks in wearing full travel gear.) I don’t believe you’ve met. Gandalf the Grey - Frodo Baggins, Frodo Baggins - Gandalf the Grey … Frodo Baggins two - Gandalf the Grey one, Gandalf the Grey one - Frodo Baggins two. Carry on Gandalfs.
Gandalf: (to Frodo, reassuring him) Don’t worry about the er … (puts hand over eye) We’ll get through somehow. (Gandalf proceeds to walk round the room clambering over every single piece of available furniture. He doesn’t stop talking. Causing a complete wreckage, he clambers over the desk, onto a bookcase and round the room knocking furniture over, meanwhile he is saying…) Now the approach to Mount Doom is quite simply over the foothills, and then we go on after that to … ohh… to set a base camp, somewhere in the region of the Mines of Moria when…(Gandalf staggers out headlong through the door. There are loud crashing noises)
Elrond: He’ll be leading the first assault.
Frodo: Well I’m afraid I shan’t be coming with your Fellowship Elrond, as I’ve absolutely no confidence in anyone involved in it.
(Frodo gets up and walks out slamming the door.)
Elrond: Oh dear. (he pauses, then looks over at… the other Frodo) Well how about you?
Frodo: (sitting in chair at other angle of desk) Well I’m game, Elrond.
Elrond: Jolly good. Jolly good.
This one is perhaps better left imagined…
The Ministry Of Silly Orcs
has anybody considered putting this into a book??? I, for one, would buy a couple of copies… (puts hand over eye… ah a copy) (have to clean my glasses now).
This board has quite a lot of talent here. Bravo to you all.