So a friend and I are discussing a topic which I’m sure was discussed here back in the days of Bill and Monica … but why do some people consider vaginal penetration to be the only definition of sex? And I’m not talking dictionary definition but more ethically.
Why do some people only consider it to be cheating if vaginal penetration occurs? If two people are in bed, naked together, experiencing orgasms etc without vaginal penetration, isn’t it still cheating (if one or the other of them is married to someone else)? (I guess this belief is the same reason that has lead to the purported increase in oral sex and anal sex among girls who make vows to remain virgins … sure they are technically virgins, but they seem sexually active to me.)
I think it’s up there with the folks who believe that French fries off someone else’s plate don’t have calories. :rolleyes:
That said, I was raised with this belief (re sex, not calories). Not that oral etc wasn’t cheating (heck, looking with the idea of finding is cheating in my book), but that intercourse was penetration. Sex=intercourse for me; any other sex is qualified by the adjective in front of it, oral, anal, car, phone, cyber or mutual __________(fill in the blank).
I was actually about to post an IMHO thread on this.
I was going to ask: If someone asks you if you had sex with someone, what acts would constitute a ‘yes’?
People keep saying that other things should constitute sex, but when it comes down to it, if John asks Bob if he had sex with Cindy, and Bob and Cindy just got each other off with no penetration, should/would he say yes? And what did John mean?
In spite of protestations to the contrary, I think when most of us ask about sex, we only mean vaginal penetration.
Not so much “definition” as “defense.”–“We didn’t have sex blegal ecause the privates didn’t come in contact.” At one time, penetration was the only definition of “rape,” a crime that has since been changed to “sexual assault.”
Cheating—if he kisses someone else I’d consider that cheating
Sex–I personally don’t count it as sex unless penetration has occurred. It’s just a satisfaction thing for me. Manual or oral orgasm doesn’t equal the satisfaction I get from sex.
In my book, if you’re playing with genitals, it’s sex. Different kinds of sex, different kinds of virginity, but doing any of it with someone else while you’re seeing someone is still cheating.
I think some people use the “it wasn’t real sex” justification when they’re in trouble, or when they don’t want to look slutty.
If there wasn’t penetration, I would reply (assuming this is someone I am pretty close with- I wouldn’t blab this to a stranger): “We didn’t fuck, but we did XYZ.” Or “Yup, he banged me like a Salvation Army drum” or something.
I have a friend who claims that everything except vaginal isn’t sex. Meaning that oral, anal, hands, and booby-lovin’ is not counted under “sex”- heck, she doesn’t even count these as “sexual relations” or “sexual acts”. Seriously. What does she label them as? Making out, of course. :smack:
In her case, I think she is just trying to justify her sluttiness. I know many girls that don’t want to be labled as whores, so they actually, vaginally fuck a low number, but let the entire neighborhood titty fuck them. It’s not slutty- afterall, it’s just making out! :rolleyes:
“Did you have sex.” can be answered “no” innocently enough even as you recall getting under someone’s bra for a 15 minute romp in the broom closet.
The question’s too narrow. Sure, the intent of the question is known, but ‘that’s not what you asked.’ Might as well ask, “Did you eat hog’s eyes at lunch?” Sex is sex. If you’re interested in a more broad spectrum of behavior, ask about that.
As to why it should be okay to do one and not another… I believe that the loophole probably existed even before the first law was ever chiseled into stone. AKA, people lie to themselves, and enjoy it immensely.
Count me in with Indygrrl and eleanorigby. Romantic overtures towards anyone other than your partner is cheating, even if there isn’t any physical affection. I tense up even at the idea of flirting. Admittedly, though, my threshold is set pretty low in light of recent experience.
In fact, I’m gonna go start a thread on the subject. I’m real damned curious as to how anyone can see physical displays of romance as anything BUT cheating and not be in denial.
As for what constitutes sex, I would say that the various forms of diddling constitute intimate sexual behavior and are distinct from “going all the way.” In terms of morality and ahemaccounting purposes that distinction still stands. But discounting blow jobs or cunnilingus as being in some sort of “gray area” is akin to saying that charcoal is the same as light gray by virtue of neither being black nor white.
Alternatively, one could say that an analogous situation would be fighting in terms of a couple arguing versus fighting in terms of two drunks slugging it out. They’re both forms of conflict, but still different.
I think I’d probably be more specific if I had to answer - I’d say it wasn’t sex, but close. Because, really, it’s the same sort of act with the same sort of intimacy.
