I read most of the relationship threads around here, and whenever someone has been cheated on by a loved one, it is inevitable that well-meaning folks will mention somewhere in their advice that the cheater is really going to end up regretting his or her actions someday, and probably will end up wanting back the person he or she cheated on. I’ve had it said to me, too.
I just find myself wondering whether such a statement has any basis in reality. I mean, first of all, I’m not sure it’s the best thing to tell someone who has just been hurt so badly, because I think it’s very easy to get one’s hopes up and end up waiting for the day when the former loved one will feel the pangs of regret. Better just to move on with your own life and not worry about what the other person is doing now.
But the attempt at comfort aside, I’m just wondering if the statement itself is actually true. I have been friends with…I think four people that I’m aware of who have been in affairs. Three of them have experienced some form of regret about their actions, but not a single one of them ever wished they had resolved things with their exes. They were all glad to be out of their former relationships, but wished a little (or a lot) that they’d gone about it differently. The fourth person actually got back with the person she cheated on, but still thinks he’s a jerk most of the time.
So, based on your own personal experiences, or the experiences of others that you’re familiar with, is it true that people usually regret their indiscretions and wish to patch things up with the person they lost?
It’s been about 14 months since my ex-wife left me and somewhere in the area of 18 months for my best guess as to when her affair started. As best as I can tell she’s still happy with him and doesn’t show any intention of wanting me back (not that I would take her).
But, I do still like to think about the day when she goes “What the hell was I thinking?”
Personally, I think that’s just wishful thinking on the part of the leavee. An affair is a symptom of problems in the marriage and not usually “the” problem.
My experience has been that most may regret that they have gone about leaving their partner the wrong way, but they don’t regret the actual leaving.
I don’t have any experience with cheating or being cheated on (as far as I know!) but I don’t think it’s helpful to tell someone that their ex will regret having cheated on them and be overwhelmed with remorse. I have no idea if their ex will or not but considering the types we sometimes get on the boards (such as the guy whose girlfriend found a new guy online and he asked for “one last smile” before she left) giving them any hope that they can get their ex back might not be wise.
I think it’d be better to simply suggest that they not worry about their ex at all rather than speculating on whether they’ll regret having left any particular OP. The fact that it’s near universal advice that’s given to almost every OP only confirms that it’s a meaningless platitude told in an attempt to comfort and reassure someone who’s hurting. The intentions might be all well and good but again, I don’t think it’s very helpful.
My grandparent’s relationship started as an affair. They divorced their respective spouses and married when she got pregnant with my mom. They had two more children. Stayed married until she died.
There is a long-term poster here at SDMB (a real pompus asshole who seems to think he is an authority on the Middle East) who has bragged about a decades-long affair that he has carried on with some married slut that has recently ended, just in time for him to get freshly married to a new cum dumpster, who he has apparently talked into letting him spunk into her stinkhole (or maybe even her withered “other” stink-hole)…
He teaches English abroad, so several Dopers find him facinating, and encourage his pathetic delusions.
He will be bitching about that faithless old cunt leaving him for someone with a real job (and a working prick) before 3 years have passed, or before he blows his (erstwhile) brains all over an empty hotel room, leaving his feces and urine soaked corpse to be buried in a Saudi state funeral. (good luck with that P-Dog!!!)
I think this depends a lot on the stage of the relationship, presence/absence of kids, religious beliefs and the setting for the affair itself.
Ive certainly seen enough people waiting for someone to leave a partner only to see them stay with the partner that I doubt a general rule can be made either way. Ive also definitely met people who regretted having an affair and ruining a relationship.
I know a fair number of people - including some close to me - who have had affairs and come through them, and I’m with the OP. They’ve mostly ended up happy and settled and all that. Some with the person they had the affair with, some with their original spouse (after being discovered and working through it) and some with someone else entirely. Every time the whole “OMG once a cheater always a cheater!” thing comes up here I have to wonder if everyone here lives under a rock, because I know a lot of people who have cheated at one point in their lives, discovered it was a miserable experience, and never do it again.
Ironically, out of everyone I know who’s gone through this, a couple that worked it out and stayed together seem to have made the worse decision. At least, from the outside, they seem miserable. Maybe I’m reading it wrong.
