I have a group of friends that is fairly close knit - I am more on the fringes of the friends group, but the “core” of the group is pretty close, having several gatherings or activities together each month, with some couples probably seeing others multiple times per week. Some time ago, during the pandemic, two of my friends started having an affair (both are married, one with children and the other without), and more recently one of the affair partners made it public. Naturally, it was pretty devastating to the partners who were cheated on, but one of the affair partners decided to reconcile with their spouse (the one with children, and they are still married) while the other affair partner decided to call it quits on their marriage.
Everyone in the friends group was very supportive of the people who were cheated on, but it surprised me that there didn’t seem to be many significant social consequences for the pair of cheaters, in that they both continued to participate in many social activities with their friend group very similarly to what was happening prior to the affair going public. There was some segmenting of activities to ensure that the people who were cheated on didn’t need to interact with the cheaters, but otherwise it seemed like the biggest consequence for the cheaters was that they ended their affair (which was pretty devastating for the two of them, but it was hard to feel sympathy for them over that when they had caused such substantial pain to their spouses).
Talking to people around the friend group, it surprised me how lenient people’s attitudes were towards the cheaters - there were even a few people who were equally sympathetic to the cheaters as to the ones who were cheated on (possibly because they cheaters were closer friends to many of the people in the friends group than the spouses, and they were both “hubs” of sorts within the social network). Certainly, the factors that lead someone to cheat are often complex, and I know in some circumstances cheating can seem justifiable (though I think that’s definitely not the case here, especially for the childless couple, where the person cheated on was completely blindsided). Still, I feel like cheating is a generally a pretty selfish decision and it was kind of discouraging to see many of my friends seemingly sweep it under the rug.
I’ve personally lost a fair amount of trust and respect for the cheaters, and my wife and I have dialed back our social interactions with them as a result. I do wonder how differently I’d feel if it was one of my closest friends who did the cheating instead of more peripheral friends.
Have many of you have had friends or acquaintances who you know have been unfaithful to their partners? And how did that affect your relationship with them when you found out about it?
It would definitely affect the relationship if the someone was my wife. Otherwise I don’t want to assume I understand all the circumstances of another person’s marriage. The stories people tell others of the details often differ greatly between spouses, and are often missing important information. One spouse complaining about the other’s cheating might forget to mention their own indiscretions or other problems leading up to the situation.
I would definitely have issues with trusting someone who cheated on a spouse, since that’s a huge red flag on their moral character. Little things like keeping promises, self-control, concern for how their actions affect others (especially innocent parties such as children), etc.
I might have been put off at one point but now I believe that all is fair when it comes to intimate relationships. I would pay attention to other behaviors.
I do find it off-putting when someone boasts about es sexual activities, of whatever kind.
I would not think too poorly of them if the cheated on spouse has forgiven them, as they know more about the situation than I probably would. I also am understanding of, say, a single mistake, followed by making it right in one way or the other (e.g. telling the spouse, avoiding the person, or even breaking up with the spouse).
But I do very much think honesty is important, and that people who are willing to lie about such intimate things are less trustworthy. The whole point of marriage is the commitment, and, if you don’t think you can keep it, you should terminate that commitment.
I’d be worried about what other wrong activities the cheater might sneak around and do, and convince themselves that it is okay. Like, say, stealing money from me, or lying to me about something important.
I’m pretty sure that’s why we consider honesty to be an important part of morality. It’s about fostering trust in our fellow humans. People who lie on one big thing (i.e., not a white lie) are more likely to lie on other big things.
I think that might be at least in part because of the couple who reconciled. It’s going to be difficult for the kind of group you describe to only socialize with half of a couple and people typically don’t want to cut the cheatee out of the social group. And once that cheater is kept in the group, it doesn’t make sense to cut the other one out simply for the cheating. The cheater who ended their marriage will likely only get cut out of the group if 1) The spouse is insistent and says “it’s them or me” and 2) The spouse is better liked by the group
I’m going to be in big disagreement with most people here, apparently.
I consider infidelity abuse. I am not the only one. I am aware there is a big divide between my opinion, which does happen to be shared by others, and some of the typical responses I’m already seeing on this thread.
When I was more active in the infidelity support community, the question did come up of comparing physical abuse to the abuse of infidelity. The consensus of people who’d suffered both is that the infidelity was worse. I believe one woman stated that physical abuse could be ended by dealing with the perpetrator legally, whereas infidelity was based on the person we most trusted betraying us. Perhaps it’s compounded today by the utter absence of any penalty whatsoever to the perpetrators.
Based on a long term relationship I had with a woman who had been cheated on in her marriage (as had I) the impact on future intimacy is deep and long lasting.
sad thing is if a group were that close I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone hadn’t slept with everyone else at least once at some point in their lives… even if it was before during and after marriage
Yeah, I don’t really get this whole thing where couples are seeing other couples several times a week. I don’t want that with anyone. Then, I’m an introvert I guess. I can socialize but then I want to go home. These deals all come across as incentuous.
It does somewhat lower my estimation of them, but I have a good number of friends (both male and female) who I’ve witnessed cheating or been otherwise told of their cheating, and it hasn’t really changed my relationship with them. And, yes, I’ve been cheated on in the past, though not in my marriage, as far as I know.
It depends, I guess. If the spouse has forgiven the cheater, and it seems like the two of them have truly reconciled, I might only lose some respect for the cheater, but still be able to be friends.
But, there was someone I knew from work who was married, and I learned he was dating a new, much younger, coworker. The new coworker began having depression and other issues, and seemed unstable – exacerbated I think by the instability of the affair.
I lost respect for the cheater. Having an affair was bad judgement, having it with a coworker was extra bad judgement, and having it be a new, younger, vulnerable coworker was beyond the pale.
No one knows what goes on behind…etc.