A thread that Heart of Dorkness started about being an only child was recently revived, and I had occasion to re-read what I’d posted therein:
(emphasis added)
I have never in the past and don’t to this day think that worrying about how my lack of progeny will impact someone else is a good reason to have kids, so I’ve never felt any particular pressure to procreate. But it bugs me that my mom got stuck with a kid who doesn’t want kids. I can’t be alone in that.
I figured I’d start a thread to see if and how other folks have dealt with the guilt of not having children. And I don’t mean other people TRYING to make you feel guilty, because there are plenty of folks out there who will do that, intentionally or not. I want to hear about your own personal struggles with choosing not to have kids, or not being able to have kids. Why did it make you feel guilty? How have you dealt with it?
I am, of course, particularly curious about those who are only children who haven’t and won’t have kids. But this thread is open to all comers, so even if you’ve had kids and would like to speculate about how you would have felt guilty if you hadn’t, I’d like to hear that, too. How much of an obligation did you or do you feel to have kids?
I have never felt obigated to have kids, even when the pressure is on. No guilt. But my parents have plenty of grandkids (and now some great grandkids), so it works out for everybody.
I am the last of my line, I am childless and about to be 42. I always figured that whichever woman I had as a partner would be the decider as to the children question, but now that I am as old as I am. I don’t really want to have teens when I am 60. The parental guilt trip can be overwhelming, my step-mom is always trying to set me up with younger and younger women because they can still have kids. It has gotten to the point that I don’t want to answer the phone. At least the steps and halfs are busy procreating away…
I’m not an only child and my parents have two fantastic grandkids.
However I have felt guilty about the mom of the guy I’d like to spend the rest of my life with. I guess she’s picked at him and his brother about her wanting grandkids. I’m hoping that he’d choose to be with me and not care about kids but it would be to his mother’s despair.
It’s also up in the air as to whether or not I can even have kids. So sometimes I feel guilty but other times I’m like “I need to change my story from ‘don’t want’ to ‘can’t have’” and start people feeling sorry for me.
I’m 45 and childfree by choice - I don’t think I’ve had a second of guilt over it. It might have been different if my oldest sister hadn’t had two kids, but she did and it isn’t.
I do sometimes feel a little sad that my parents will never see grandkids. I’m the only child, and a daughter to boot, so I know on some level my mother felt she had failed as a mother that I didn’t have children. But, mom’s dead now, and she had an adopted (in the heart, not on paper) son to do her last rites, which I cannot do as a daughter, so whatever.
I don’t “deal” with it any way; it’s my vagina and my life and I won’t have kids to suit anyone. I mean, it doesn’t bother me and it’s really the least reason to have kids. I just once in a while feel sorry for them.
I’m it, too. All girls were born to my dad and my dad’s brother, so that spells the end of the line with me. I’ve never married, and have never had the urge to procreate, either. Parenting isn’t for everyone - despite what society would have you believe - and I know myself well enough to know that children would never have been a good fit for me. Neither parent ever laid the guilt trip on either me or my sister for grandchildren, either. She had two terrific kids, and I was never interested.
With both parents gone now, it’s a non-issue even if there *had *been an issue at the time. Like **Capt Kirk’s **family, all my cousins are busy making lots of family all on their own.
I missed this on first reading. Two things come to mind when people say this (and it gets brought up fairly regularly when we discuss this subject) - the first is that having kids is no guarantee that they’ll look after you when you’re old, and the second is that paying for care when you’re old is something you have to budget for regardless of whether you have kids or not, and to be brutally frank, you can probably afford it better if you don’t spend all your income raising kids.
There’s a good reason…well…several for that. I knew from the time I was probably 14 or 15 that if I ever had kids, I only wanted boys. I got what I wanted on the first shot, so I’ve never felt the need to go back and try again for another one. Also, I feel that Stickman and I have our hands full with Slilm and his special needs. I also know that if you have ONE kid with special needs, the chances of having another child with special needs goes up with each subsequent child. I have a friend who has one with ADHD, one with Asperger’s and the youngest has Down’s syndrome. I’ve always said she’s bucking for sainthood because I don’t know if I could handle that many special issues all at once. I feel like I’m underwater sometimes having to deal with the few special issues that Slim has–speech problems, hypotonia (chronic low muscle tone), ADHD and mild Asperger’s.
I’ve never felt guilty about having just one. My mom has bugged me multiple times about providing Slim with a brother or sister and I just keep telling her no. It wouldn’t be right to try and get pregnant JUST to give my kid a sibling. It just wouldn’t.
When I was trying to get pregnant with Slim, I had a raging case of ‘baby rabies’–I wanted a baby and I wanted it YESTERDAY. Once I had him, that went away. Sure, I feel a touch of it when I play with the young children of friends/family but it’s like as soon as I get out of their presence, it goes away.
I have never felt guilt over not having kids, nor has anyone in my family attempted to instill any (it probably helped that I’m the youngest child and my brother and sister’s marriages both produced offspring).
I suppose there’s a mild sense that certain elements of our society would like me to feel guilty over not having Fulfilled My Duty, but until I see good evidence of a massive kiddie shortage, that view doesn’t get any traction with me.
I wonder if society-wide guilt induction is taking place in Japan, what with the dire predictions of population implosion over there due to lack of marriage and procreation.
I personally find it wonderful to live in a time where I can get pretty dependable birth control and am not forced to either abstain totally from sex or risk being kept pregnant. I have always known that I dislike kids, have absolutely no desire for kids and trying to have kids puts me at risk of dying anyways.
I would make a terrible father. I would never be mean to a child, but I do not enjoy being around them. I do feel for children and always donate to Toys For Tots so that poor children can have gifts during the holidays, but it would be wrong for me to have fathered children. So no, no guilt.
I have many siblings who have more than made up for my decision not to procreate, though my mother still wishes I would and doesn’t seem to be getting the message that I’m just not going to. I don’t feel guilty about it. Though I would like my mother to be happy I’m not about to make a person just for that.
My partner is an only child, and though the old mother-in-law says she’s fine with it, I think she would have liked to be a grandmother. However our decisions not to have children are independent, as in we both decided for ourselves before we ever met, so I don’t need to feel bad over that either.
I once asked my mother if she regretted that neither my sister nor I ever had children, and she said, “goodness, no, dear, that much less to worry about.”
(I make her sound like Edina’s mum on AbFab, don’t I?)
I am very, very happy to have a granddaughter. However, I firmly told both my daughters that they were NOT to have a child only to give me a grandchild.
None here. Neither my sister nor I had or wanted kids. Mom seems fine with having “grandbunnies” and “grandkitties” to give little toys to at Christmas, and I don’t think I would have accepted having kids wholeheartedly.
Mr. Snicks is also the last of his line, and we’re not planning on having children. We used to say that it was his sister’s responsibility, but she married later in life to a guy who already had three children (and a vasectomy), so that didn’t work out as we planned.
I don’t feel guilty, but I do empathize with my parents-in-law. They truly want grandchildren, and they’d be good grandparents, but it’s not going to happen. Sure, they have some step-grandchildren, but I’m not certain how frequently they’ll be able to see them. And it’s really unlikely that SpouseO and I will change our minds. So I do empathize with them.
My mom and dad already have four grandchildren, so although they’d love to have mine as well, they’ve at least already got some. That doesn’t keep Mom from bugging me about it every now and again, while also saying in the same breath, “if I could do it all over again, I’m not sure I’d have kids either.” Anyway…
What I sometimes think of more often is how rather weird it might be for us as we get older - we won’t have grandchildren coming to visit us and such, like we both did for our grandparents. But that’s not weird enough to make me want to have my own kids, by any stretch, it’s just something I think about now and again. With luck, I’ll have my nieces’ and nephew’s kids coming for visits. Or not. We’ll deal, for certain.
