Only children: Are you happy about/okay with having no siblings?

In My Humble Opinion
1

After we had our son, my husband and I agreed, for a variety of reasons, that he will be our only one. He’s now 14 months, and a totally awesome little kid, and I want to do everything I can to provide him with the best life possible, and help him become a totally awesome adult.

Part of me wonders, though, if we’re doing him a disservice by not having another kid (I’m 36, so there would only be one more, if any). I only have one sibling, and our relationship has always been… complicated. Believe me, we’ve both wished we were only children countless times. But even so, I have lots of happy memories of our childhood together, and I think the difficulties we’ve gone through have taught me to be more understanding, patient, generous, responsible, and many other good things. I also have many, many cousins on both sides of my family, some of whom are as close to me as siblings. My husband has a strikingly similar situation to mine, although he was not as close to his cousins growing up.

Our son, however, will have no siblings, and very probably, no cousins. He’s basically the only one in his generation. The closest there will be to any other relatives his age would be my cousins’ (and my husband’s cousins’) kids. Most of them are much, much older, and none of them live nearby.

Our plan, then, is to just make sure he has as many friends as possible. He’s in daycare now, and already, his teachers tell us how well he plays with the other kids; he readily shares his toys, and he’ll even bring toys to other kids for them to play with. Aww! As he gets older, we’ll encourage play dates and sleepovers and get him into whatever clubs or teams he’s interested in. And we’ll probably let him invite a friend on trips and so on. Of course, if he really wants to be a loner, we certainly won’t force him to have friends; we just want to make sure he has plenty of opportunities to meet and spend time with other kids.

So I guess I’m asking: Is this enough? And if not, would having just one sibling necessarily be any better? For those of you who grew up as only children, did you feel deprived by that experience? Could your parents have done anything about that, other than having more kids? And do any of you feel lucky to have been only children? Perhaps you’re glad you were the sole recipient of your parents’ time, attention, and support (emotional, financial, otherwise)? Any other advice for me?

2

The problem is that we only children don’t have anything to compare with. As a child I got a lot of time, a lot of attention, a lot of money and a lot of privacy. These were all good things and I’m glad I had them.

But it was lonely. I played by myself. I was a latchkey kid. There was too much focus on me. I didn’t learn some basic lessons about getting along with other people. And as I got older, family holidays got more and more depressing, just me and my parents sitting around quietly. When my parents are old and need help, it will all be on me.

I don’t want my own daughter to be an only child for all of those reasons. But, like I said, I don’t have a way of really comparing my experience. A sibling might grow up to be a team player or might grow up to be a worst enemy.

3

I grew up as one of 4 kids, but let me tell you what my husband says about being an only child. He says it was hardest on holidays, since all the books and movies of Christmas or Thanksgiving shows a large family all celebrating and laughing together. For him, he perceived the actual holiday experience as “just my parents staring at me, and I was trying to look joyful in order to please them.” He didn’t have much other family close to him, and no relatives near his age at all. He said he always felt sad when other kids talked about going over to their cousin’s house for a sleepover, or the other kids who were really excited that they were going on vacation with their aunt and uncle.

When we married he made it very clear he wanted a lot of kids. He loves my family because we have regular get togethers with lots of aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, step-sisters, etc. It’s loud, chaotic and fun. And now we have four children, and although he’d like more, that’s all we are having.

4

Overall, I’m thankful that I was an only child. I did occasionally wish for an older brother when I was very little, but it’s not as if my parents could have done much about that without adopting, which they weren’t in a position to do.

I’ve always had loner tendencies, so feeling lonely wasn’t a huge issue for me. Granted, I did miss out on some valuable social situations until I was much older.

Having seen what people go through with their siblings, I have long been thankful that I didn’t have any. And when my parents fell ill and died, it was all on me, and it was hard, but I dealt with it, and life went on. At least there was no one to argue with me about how the estates were handled.

In the end, being an only is not something I resented, or even thought much about as time went on. It seems to me that there are pitfalls to either situation, so I wouldn’t stress over your child being an only.

5

I’m an only child and couldn’t be happier. The only reason why I wanted a brother or sister when I was younger was so that they could beat up the bullies, and since that would take an older brother or sister I was S.O.L.

I wasn’t “spoiled” (my parents were too poor for “spoiling”) and my Mom tried to get me into activities outside of school so I’d meet new kids (Brownies, Girl Guides). I had a few close friends and went to many sleepovers. I didn’t have to share my stuff on a daily basis, I didn’t have to worry about jealousy or favourtism, and I had plenty of privacy and independence. Being an only child was great. I actually don’t understand why people would WANT more than one child.

6

I am thankful to be an only child.

My friends growing up who had siblings generally hated them or at least didn’t get along with them. I’m sure a lot of them wished they were only children too!

7

Siblings would have been nice. I think about what will happen when my parents’ health starts to decline: two elderly people, thousands of miles from me and from each other, and there will be no one to help me through it, either practically or emotionally.

The gay issue was a factor for me as well: Mr. Mallard has a sibling and his parents have grandchildren and his family continues. My parents put all their eggs into one basket (so to speak) and there will be no grandchildren.

There’s upsides, too, of course, that others have mentioned, but just a few long-term potential downers to brighten your day!

8

This is my experience, too. Many folks I know either hate their siblings, or are no longer in touch with them.

9

My experience as an only is much like what Palo Verde’s husband describes. Holidays were quiet and quite lonely. Small town, not many relatives nearby.

I was, however, very social and played endlessly with neighbor kids and friends from school. During the times when there was no outside outlet for play, I was happy to do all kinds of art and creative projects. My parents weren’t terribly involved with me, which surprises people who view only children as spoiled. They took care of my needs and I’m sure they loved me, but they both were strict and punishments were harsh. Looking back on it I can see that they much preferred to spend time with each other.

I’m not married now, and have no children of my own, so care of my elderly parents has consumed a great deal of my life. This involved getting my father to and from dialysis and other, seemingly constant health emergencies for 12 years, until his death a few years ago.

Now I’m involved at almost the same level with my very elderly mother. I do wish there was some respite from all of it. I’m happy she’s happy and that I can take care of her needs, but having not been able to take a vacation in over 10 years sometimes makes me resentful that there isn’t a sibling there to share some of the responsibility (not that this would necessarily be the case; I know many who have totally uninvolved sibs). Then again, I’ll be the only inheritor, so I won’t have to squabble with anyone over their estate.

10

I am an only child, and … well, you can’t really miss something you never had, you know? I don’t feel deprived, and I don’t feel lucky. It just … is.

Since I never could really know what would be good or bad about having siblings, wishing for it just never happened — until my parents started to go downhill mentally and I needed to take over their finances and get home health assistance for them. I live 500 miles away, which complicates everything, and at first I thought how much easier it would be if there were someone close by to help out. My notions about this were quickly disabused by several different social workers, who told me quite definitively it was actually a good thing I didn’t have to deal with siblings. Apparently it can actually make a tough situation even worse — there can be a lot of arguing, jealousy, one-upmanship, etc. involved when there’s more than one person involved in the decision-making for a parent’s care. And of course I didn’t consider this, having no frame of reference for it.

I have seen among my friends, though, that even without outside stress, there is a huge range of dynamics among siblings. My husband and his brother get along great, and I am very happy to see that. One of my best friends and her brother, on the other hand, are as different as night and day and her brother actively hates her. He’s jealous of the success she’s had in life, apparently not considering that she’s earned it … and he’s done nothing to have achieved anything like it. So, you could go ahead and have another kid, with absolutely no guarantees that they will even want to speak to each other when they get older.

I also come from a time and place where there were lots of very large families and I think some of my friends from those families probably felt a bit jealous of my situation. I got really tired of the ‘you must be so spoiled’ comments … any child can be spoiled, having just one doesn’t make it automatic. We were not wealthy and no, I didn’t get whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it. And I socialized with other kids at school and in the neighborhood just fine. One of my very good friends growing up was an only child also (mainly because her parents divorced when she was quite young and her mom never remarried), and the situation was similar for her, too.

Now that there are a lot more people having less kids, being an only isn’t viewed as being kind of weird anymore, which means you and your kid probably won’t ever have to deal with what I mentioned above. My friend I mentioned above, is also raising an only child, and she’s told me that he’s put up with a whole lot less of that sort of thing than she did.

11

I definitely wished for siblings growing up as an only child. I was kind of lonely, I had a few close friends but it’s not the same as having a live-in close friend, which is what I imagined having a sibling (OK, a brother) would be like. It doesn’t help that I knew from a relatively young age that I lost an identical twin brother shortly after birth. My mother had a very difficult pregnancy followed by delivering us 2 months prematurely - in 1970 when this was far from common (as it is more so now). Especially since I had no wider family to bond with on a regular basis - grandparents, cousins, etc. - since my parents immigrated to the US from Taiwan.

Part of what attracted me to my wife was meeting her close-knit family (she has 3 sisters). They all still live in the area and we now see them and their kids all the time. I wanted at least 2 kids (ideally 3) and what do you know, we have three, about 2 years apart for each of them. We live half a mile from my parents and see them at least once a week too.

The comment about spending some part of the holidays feeling like you’re under the camera or on stage to look happy for your parents rings true, though I never really thought of it that way until now.

12

A year ago, I had this poll in SDMB: You and your siblings as kids: pals or fighting? Two hundred people voted and the majority seems to have had more fights then friendsip.

13

As for the OP’s (and others’) stated experience of actively disliking one’s siblings and wishing to have been an only child, well, I can’t speak to that I guess. It’s easy to picture in my mind a harmonious, tight experience with an imaginary brother I never had. But I’ll give you this image I have of a sibling relationship (borne out by perhaps selective observation), which probably comes from growing up in a largely Italian / Irish neighborhood but also applies to Chinese culture as well: whatever else, your brother/sister is your family and that is a nigh indissoluble bond of obligation. You may not like each other all the time, or even most of the time, but when the (figurative) bullets fly you can count on them to have your back and vice versa.

For example, I can think of any number of cases where two brothers fought all the time (including physically), or who seemed to take great delight in teasing, pranking and tormenting a sister; but if someone else stepped up to “help” the wagons would circle. “What are you doing hitting my brother / pulling that crap on my sister / etc.? I can do that BUT don’t you touch him/her…”.

To an only child who got picked on a fair amount growing up, that is a very attractive image.

14

Being an only child, for me, is a mixed bag.

As a child I hated it because when you’re an only child, you really don’t get much of a childhood and you don’t have any ready-made playmates. You’re around adults ALL the time and you’re expected to act mature. Hell, I’ve even caught myself doing that with PandaKid (also an only child). Because you’re around adults all the time you do tend to be more mature than your non-only peers and that is socially isolating. I was always years ahead of my peers in the maturity department so growing up I had to learn to either accept it or hang out by myself. Even now, almost all of my friends are either the eldest in their family or only children. (Part of this, I think, is because there are a ton of only children in my generation because the Boomers had smaller families.)

During college part 1, it became obvious quickly that I was unprepared for the roommate thing. When you’re an only, you don’t have to share with anyone, but I think this makes us LESS territorial than people with siblings. I had a roommate flip the fuck out on me (I’m talking screaming) because I used something of hers (a pillow, I think) while she was gone for the weekend. I was baffled and didn’t understand why she’d be mad. I still think she was a bitch and overreacted, however as an only you do have to learn that Some People Are Really Uptight About People Touching Their Stuff™, I guess because they grow up fighting
their siblings for resources, etc.

Being an only doesn’t mean you’ll be spoiled, necessarily. I was raised by my mom and grandmother and we were poor. All of the attention was on me, yes, but I was a bookworm and fairly low maintenance. I didn’t go without things I needed but I definitely went without a LOT of things I wanted – if I’d had a sibling or two, it’d have been even worse.

When I met my father as an adult, I was very glad I was an only, because that man had no business reproducing and he wouldn’t have done right by any other kids he created, so it’s good that he dropped the ball on only 1 person instead of several.

I’m married to a man with a brother 2 years younger. They are nothing alike and have no relationship and my MIL has flat out said she regrets having kid #2 - she did so because she didn’t want MrPanda to be lonely growing up. My BIL has caused my in law’s no end of misery. He’s part of the reason I’m not chomping at the bit to have another baby – PandaKid is perfect, what if the next one comes out like my BIL? MrPanda spent his teen years in his room either reading or on his computer, BIL was out socializing, so having a sibling doesn’t guarantee socialization. As his parents age and eventually get sicker, it’ll all fall on MrPanda to take care of things, his brother will bail because he’s a dick like that. I’ve seen just as many siblings NOT defend each other as I have siblings that will go to the mat for their brothers and sisters.

I lost my mom this February. These days, it’d be nice to have someone to share the grief with. MrPanda has been wonderful and so have my friends, but as much as they can sympathize, they can’t feel what I’m feeling. On the other hand, while I didn’t inherit anything of monetary value, it was nice to be able to box up the family heirlooms and take them home with me without having to split them with other people.

I’m open to more children but fairly sure I physically can’t get pregnant again. And that’s ok. It makes me sad to think that PandaKid will, someday, be all alone in this world – however giving her a sibling doesn’t mean she’ll always have someone there for her. I’ve set up my life in a way that, barring disaster, she’ll be left with a nice chunk of change and a house someday after we’re gone – I like knowing that she’ll have an inheritance of some sort and have a shot at a good start.

15

I’m not an only child but my 5 year-old son is as are a bunch of his friends. One thing myself as well as the other parent have discovered is that even though they are socially well adjusted outside of the home they all become very territorial in their own homes and of their parents. Funny how they all play so well together at school, daycare, neighborhood, playground, etc. but go to any of the kids homes and the whole social niceness goes out the window.

16

I was/am an only child and hated it. Still do. It was a very lonely childhood because my mother was VERY anti-social and rarely allowed me to have friends over or go to someone else’s house. Really, my only regular playmates were my dogs. And now that I am all grown up and my parents dead, I am pretty much alone. No family, few friends. So I still depend on my dogs for companionship.

I really wish I did have a sibling or 2 to hang out with occasionaly.

17

This is probably going to sound really weird to you, but I’d like to take this opportunity to thank you for having this attitude. Really.

Hey! Us only children can learn those things, too. :slight_smile: Same lesson - different teacher, that’s all.

Hell, that’s way more than my parents did for me. Sleepovers? Pfft. “You have a bed - we bought it for you you ungrateful daughter. Why should you sleep somewhere else?”

Oddly, my parents tried to do this, too - just awkwardly, and with the end result invariable being the other kid got so weirded out that no friendship could possibly take root. Also, they tended to “pick” kids that weren’t compatible with me anyway. (“Don’t be friends with THAT girl, be friends with THIS one - she lives closer.”)

Sounds like you’re way ahead of the game. I don’t know if I’m an interovert because I was an only child, or if I would have been introverted anyway. Chicken and egg thing, I suppose, although my father has a similar personality to me (and he has a sister, too!) so I probably would have been my weirdo little loner self no matter what. :slight_smile: How many kids you have is between you and your husband (and biology) but for the record, I don’t think having siblings is inherently better OR worse than not having any.

18

By the way, I know a guy whose parents had 2 children fairly close in age, thinking that they would provide playmates for each other. This backfired horribly–the two boys hated each other, the older one picked on the younger one constantly, and even now that they’re grown up they aren’t very close.

Having two children just so that the first can have a playmate probably isn’t a good idea. You might end up giving the first child an enemy instead :slight_smile:

19

Only child here. Growing up, I never wanted sibs. I had cousins; they were for the most part loud, dirty, and usually uninteresting.

The only time I ever missed having a sib or two was when my folks died. It would have been nice to have someone around who knew exactly how I felt.

However, not getting into any fights about who gets the estate was a plus.

So I’m quite content with my ‘only’ status.

I’m now 54, and father to two grown gals.

20

I’m an only child, and I think my comments will probably be bits and pieces of what has already said, but here’s my experience.

I loved being an only child for the most part. I liked having a lot of privacy growing up that I doubt I’d have had otherwise. I was definitely OK being by myself reading or whatever I was into at the time. I’m also grateful in the sense that my mom was a single parent, and I’m glad she didn’t have to worry about more than me. Overall, I think being an only child has worked really well for my personality, although I suppose it’s impossible to say if my personality is actually the result of being an only child, instead.

There are some negatives, though. In the early part of my childhood, I lived in a rough neighborhood, and so I didn’t really have any friends to play with. Play was always by myself (which is why, I assume, I’m a person who is hard to bore because I slip into daydreaming so easily). I also didn’t really have any cousins my age, so like another poster mentioned earlier in the thread, family holidays as a kid were about me sitting around with a bunch of adults, or trying to avoid kids who were a lot younger than me.

I also recently came to terms with one of the hardest aspects of being an only child as an adult. I’ve never wanted kids for myself, and I recently went through with having a vasectomy. The only hesitation I had about doing that was knowing that my mom will die without ever having grandkids. I think she came to accept that some time ago, but I really hate the idea of disappointing her. Obviously, plenty of only children do have children of their own, so I don’t know how common my particular situation is.

I don’t think the OP has any reason to believe that a sibling is necessary in order for your child to have the best life possible, though. A lot of us only children turn out just great. :slight_smile: