There’s very little that warms my heart more than a truly awful review, and today’s New York Times includes several gems of the species - of course, it helps immeasurably that The Core opens today. (Because the Times requires registration and their links go bad after a week (IIRC), I’ll provide some quotes instead.)
Elvis Mitchell, on The Core:
“The film is frequently hilarious – occasionally, but not often, on purpose.”
“Monumentally dumb.”
“Sections of ‘The Core’ drag on so sullenly that the crew’s six-day mission seems to be taking place in real time.”
[After noting the film’s description of a substance called “inobtanium”] “The cast…deserve Oscar nominations just for being able to speak most of the lines without succumbing to chortles.”
More Elvis, this time on Basic:
“Someone decided to put ‘Rashomon’ in a Cuisinart along with ‘A Few Good Men,’ ‘The Usual Suspects’ and ‘A Soldier’s Story,’ and hit the pulverize button while forgetting to replace the top. The outcome is a spewing mess spinning at 300 r.p.m.”
“At this point you might be tempted to say, ‘Huh?’ Or, if you’re in the theater, to leave. But wait – there’s less.”
“Mr. Travolta may be the only star in movies making choices as bad as Cuba Gooding, Jr.”
“[Travolta] turns spmoking into performance art. You may concentrate on this because it’s all he has going for him.”
Ben Brantley, on Urban Cowboy: The Musical (Broadway play):
“A conclusive demonstration that it’s possible to be vulgar and bland at the same time.”
“Suggest[s] Cabaret by way of Branson, Mo.”
“Broadway disaster cultists may be disappointed to learn that ‘Urban Cowboy’…does not eclipse the now departed ‘Dance of the Vampires’ as the season’s worst musical…‘Urban Cowboy’ doesn’t have the imagination to be so extravagantly bad.”
“Doesn’t so much trade on fond memories of the film as squelch them.”
On lead performers Matt Cavenaugh and Jenn Colella: “Tend to deliver their songs and their lines at the same pitch, which is loud, assertive and nasal.”