10,000 B.C. -- This Film STILL Bothers Me (Unboxed Spoilers)

…as if anyone cares about the spoilers.
Okay, I KNOW it was a stupid, hopelessly anachronistic movie. I rented it fully knowing and expecting this. I have a soft spot in my head for Bad Movies (I have a Bad Film Festival every year where we show and make fun of them. I’ve been doing this since *years[p/i] before Mystery Science Theater existed.) So I can’t say I wasn’t expecting a Bad Film.
And I wasn’t disappointed. As someone on a review site said, it’s a good thing we didn’t try an inaccuracy drinking game, because we’d all be drunk in the first ten minutes. Seriously, this movie is great as a “How Many Scientific Mistakes Can You Find In The Picture” game. Kids will fill their scorecards in no time. I think this film has more things wrong with it than The Core, and that’s saying a LOT.

But I wasn’t prepared for the massive amount of STUPID. That’s what still bugs me.
I can live with the pregistoric beasts outside their proper location and time and being twice as large (or more) than they ought to be – that’s pretty much par for the course with movies.

I can even tolerate the absurd juxtaposition of geographies and peoples. We go from Northern European frozen glaciers to lowland grasses and swamps to African Deserts in the course of a relatively short journey. And the people fit, too – white Nordic cavemen with perfect teeth to African tribes to middle asiatic people (who don’t look remotely Egyptian). Sure – it’s your world, you make the rules. African people with chili peppers and corn? Fine by me! Just don’t go trying to fit it into Reality if you’re gonna do that.

I can even, in the spirit of Willing Suspension of Disbelief, accept that some tribes are much more technologically advanced than others. Outrageously so. Heck, I’ve read Robert E. Howard’s tales of the Hyborian Age – i can buy anything. Give me Bad Guys with Iron Weapons and Rivets and Boats with Lateen Sails and Horses with Saddles and Bridles and Stirrups (Stirrups! And Latten Sails! Do you know how LATE those came on the scene?) If Conan’s Aquilonia had 'em, there’s no reason this film can’t.

No – what bothers me is that, even with me cutting them this much slack, they STILL manage to abuse my kindness with unforgiveable stupidity.

1.) “This is the last Mannik (Mammoth) hunt!” – Why? There are stuill plenty of mammoth, as far as I can see. Maybe they’ve got a Cease and Desist order from the department of Fish and Game because Mammoths are an endangered species, or something.

2.) If we’re only going to kill one mammoth, lets make it the biggest and strongest bull!

3.) The Great Mother knew that the “four legged demons” would be coming and stealing people at the time of the Last Mannik Hunt. But apparently she didn’t tell anybody about this. Or do anything to prevent it. You know how these vision things are.

4.) The economics of slave-hunting by the Foyr Legged Demons escapes me. Can it actually make sense to travel what looks like a thousand miles, across jungle-swamps filled weith diatrymas and deserts full of hostile tribes and grasslands having 30-foot Smilodons and up into the mountains juast to grab a handful of tough and unwilling savages? And then haul them back? How the hell much are you charging for these slaves? Wouldn’t it be easier to grab a few more of the African tribes – thetre seem to be a lot more of them, and they’re a hell of a lot closer. And you won’t lose as many of your men to the diatrymas.

5.) Forget the slaves, for that matter – they’ve got the pyramids being built my wooly mammoths. They only seem to be in the Far North where they get the slaves. Did they make the same trip for the mammoths? And did they then force them to walk back, through the swamps and the veldt and the desert? They sure as hell didn’t put THEM into any “Great Bird” boats! After walking the first dozen or so along the river, I’d be sorely tempted to invent stellar navigation, which they apparently don’t know.

6.) Whoever ug that pit apparently did a rotten job. It’s the size of an underground garage, and has punji sticks in it, but neither the guy nor the saber-tooth tiger fall on the punji sticks. One tiny gazelle did, though. (For that matter, no matter how fixated you are on hunting gazelles, how the hell do you fail to notice a hole in the ground that big and fall into it?)

7.) Okay, the guy has a soft heart and lets the tiger go. This makes sense in a story wriy=tten by a 12 year old, but I wouldn’t let a 13 year old get away with it. How old were the filmmmakers? Even granting some magical/mystical thing, though, it just seems that when our hero D’leh gets himself out of the hole and back to his injured friend Tic’Tic, he’d finfd a pile of bones and spit-out fur, because I’d expected the tiger to follow his scent trail back to his nearby, too-injured-to-defend himself friend.

8.) “The River Twists and Turns???” This is the one geographical point we can nail down – it’s the Nile River, because it’s got the Pyramids and the Sphinx. Look at it on a map sometime – it’s incredibly straight, aside from one set of not-challenging bends. You don’t need to invent tellar navigation to follow it.

9.) Nobody seems to have an economy. The African people are living in a desert. The Egyptian guys have only a few trees that I can see. Nobody’s growing the gazillion plants you need to support all those people. And mammoths. There should be vast fields of wheet and barley and grass (for the mammoths). But there’s nothing. Someone said that maybe it’s all ten miles away. Okay – YOU haul in all the goods for several thousand slaves from ten miles away. In a week you;'ll be planting wheat next door.

10.) If all this is supposed to tie into Graham Hancock’s Hancock-eyed universe, it STILL doesn’t work. You’ve got the 12,000 year-old Sphinx he lusts after, but if the pyramids get built – gold Benben cap and all – but everybody dies or moves away and forgets about it, then it doesn’t really fit, does it?

Stop it, for the sake of your soul.

The Dormouse gave me good advice in Silverlock:
“I don’t know if it’s true or not, but if you don’t think about it won’t bother you.”

Words to liv eby…

You no pay good cash, Ug dig bad pit.

Weeeeeeeell… I am not going to argue that the movie wasn’t catastrophically retarded, firstly because I haven’t seen it, and secondly because it was made by the same guy who made Stargate, which was quite possibly the definitive film of the “alternate Earth identical to ours except that humans never evolved a functioning brain” genre.

However, some of your objections seem less justified than others. Why travel untold thousands of miles to catch slaves? It seems stupid on the face of it (well, because it is stupid; because it is by the same guy who made Stargate). On the other hand, the United States continued to import slaves from Africa even though they had perfectly suitable Native American tribes right next door.

As for the mammoths: why wouldn’t the pyramid people have grabbed some for domestication? The real Egyptians never did, but it’s not an outrageous idea on the face of it. Elephant domestication has worked out well in India, and Hannibal was able to get his elephants over the Alps. Hell, if I were building a pyramid, and one of my slave merchants happened to mention that they’d seen herds of giant hairy long-nosed super-horses, I might well be curious about whether the critters could be trained to drag big stone blocks around.

As far as the Nile twisting and turning goes, um… they straightened it out later? Yeah, it was a big, um, public works project. For the mammoth drivers who were all out of a job after the pyramids were done.

All these questions and more will be answered in 10,000 BC 2: The Quickening.

10,000 BC 2: 9,999 BC.

10,000 BC 2: Electric Boogaloo.

I Still Know What You Did Last 10,000 BC.

You’re playing Devil’s Advocate, and that’s nice, but it’s in a Lost Cause, and you know it.
As far as driving elephants over unfriendly, bridgeless terrain fillexd with potentially hostile tribes, read L. Sprague de Camp’s excellent and practically unknown book An Elephant for Aristotle, and then get back to me. Hannibal, at least, had a whole goddamned army to help.

Well of course it’s a lost cause; a glorious one. Dear God, man: it was a Roland Emmerlich movie. You’re complaining about a movie made by the same guy who made Stargate. And Independence Day. And Notzilla. And The Day After Tomorrow. This man took a film franchise based on a man in a rubber lizard suit, and using all the technology available to a Hollywood summer blockbuster, made it look more stupid. Roland Emmerlich thinks it’s acceptable to depict people being chased through buildings by cold weather.

And yet you went to see the movie anyway. But that’s water under the bridge. I’m not into blaming the victim. I know you’re hurting, man. I want to help. The important thing right now is to get you back to that safe place in your mind. You don’t need Roland Emmerlich. Don’t keep running back to him. Roland Emmerlich doesn’t love you. If he did, he wouldn’t keep doing the things he does.

And the mammoth drive would never have been possible without the aid of specially trained homing diatrymas. All this background material will be covered in the prequel, 10,000 BC Episode I: The Phantom Mammoth.


I just saw it yesterday and I too, love a bad movie.
Independance Day and The Day After Tomorrow were just wonderfully bad, but this movie really annoyed me.

I did love the National Geographic documentary included on the BluRay which makes a point about prehistoric men using boats to sail along the ice to the US, but of course because they were sailing right next to the ice, no evidence has ever been found. :rolleyes:
BTW : What was up the meat-eating, giant turkey-birds?
And why was the Sabretooth tiger bigger then a Mammoth?
I did like the scenes with the slaves revolting.

CalMeacham, i got an extra neuralizer here, if you want.

Was it an exceptionally small mammoth?

Your majesty, the slaves are revolting!

Nothing in this movie is small – the Riule is “Make it Bigger”. The mammoths, the Diatrymas, and the SabreTooths were all absurdly larger than they’d have been in real life.
But, as I said, that’s par for the course in the movies. I expect it, because the movies are all about visual impact, and all. But a Sabre-Tooth that big would, you think, have fallen right on the punji sticks in that pit, you’d think. seeing as it was a Tiger Pit, and all.

I haven’t seen the film, but was the bird maybe Gastornis? They didn’t coexist with homo sapiens, but they did exist.

As the Wikipedia article makes clear, the class 3acres refers to is called diatryma, which you can see I refer to in my posts above.
The birds shown were a lot bigger than diatryma skeletons – a LOT bigger -but, as I say, that’s the rule in movies in general, and this one in particular.
I couldn’t see even the real-sized version clibing trees, though. Having those out-of-proportion ones doing so is full-out whacko. That’s a pretty good dewscription for the whole movie.

Please note that “full-out whacko” differs materially from “stupid”. I can buy the Full-Out Whacko parts. What annoys me is the gonzo stupid, as enumerated in my OP.

I thought they were supposed to be Terror Birds, from South America.

They sure as hell are! :stuck_out_tongue:

I did see the movie and I do understand what you speak of.

It seems to me this is one of those times when the prime mover of this flick had this vision, and made the entire movie just for the purpose of bringing that vision to life in a few glorious, never-to-be-forgotten scenes. So just never mind what went before, or what comes after, just be blown away by those scenes that describe his or her “vision.”

I must have dozed off, though, because I didn’t happen to catch the materialized vision. :mad:

No, the closeups (and much of the shooting) were done with a wide-angle lens. Giving closer objects the allusion of being much larger than objects behind them. It’s a simple trick used in photography all the time. Surprised no-one mentioned this.

Were they ill-tempered?


PS - Not to bum you out, but I have to see this film based on your review alone. I love love love me some Bad Movie, and anyone who complains about the stirrups in Robert Howard stories is someone whose judgment I trust.

What wide-angle lens do you shoot a Sabre-tooth tiger with?

Sorry, the Beasties were all CGI, and the choice was obviously pretty deliberately made to exaggerate their size. But this is a hallowed tradition in Creatutre Features, going back past the Velociraptors in Jurrasic Park, through Ray Harryhausen’s oversized dinosaurs and creatures, to Willis O’Brien and his outsized Beasts. I can live with them being bigger, but it’s definitely not a consequence of the optics used.