10,000 B.C. -- This Film STILL Bothers Me (Unboxed Spoilers)

[Coil]

Me too I still like Conan and own them on DVD. The soundtrack is great as well.

[Terrifel]

@smiling_bandit

This actually doesn’t make sense, either. Even if you go across the sea to get slaves, that’s a million times easier than carting them across half that in land distance. AND the black slaves seemed to be perfectly OK, or at least no worse off that any others. Sure, I could concoct some weird scenario to justify it, but this is due to my overactive imagination, not any virtue of the story.

Then concoct, dammit, concoct! These lapses must be addressed somehow. Can’t you see that CalMeacham is in pain?

[Terrifel]

Okay I have arrived at an answer: plesiocanths.

EVERY SINGLE INCONSISTENCY can be explained by assuming the presence of a pervasive (yet inconspicuous in regard to events depicted in this particular movie) plesiocanth infestation.

Why don’t the pyramid builders acquire their slaves by a seagoing route? --Because of the danger of giant plesiocanth attacks.

Why don’t they use the native tribes nearby as slaves? --These tribespeople have a widely known reputation for attracting the unwelcome attention of blood-frenzied plesiocanths. (In fact, although no one realizes it at the time, the plesiocanths are attracted by the scented oil that the natives anoint themselves with, in the erroneous belief that it protects the wearer from Mammoth Herpes.)

Why is the Nile described as a meandering river? --This is the collective result of thousands of generations of plesiocanths altering the riverbanks to build their nests.

Why does everyone in the movie behave in ways that make no sense? --This is the most visible symptom of Plesiocanth Worm Dementia. The plesiocanth worm (actually a nematode) is a common parasite of the plesiocanth that is readily transmitted to humans. Once ingested, the worm migrates to the respiratory tract and lays its eggs deep within the cribriform foramina. The developing larvae secrete a chemical that is absorbed directly into the olfactory glomulerus, resulting in distorted judgment, irrational behavior, manic depression, auditory and tactile hallucinations, and/or paranoid schizophrenia.

Viewed in this light, the entire movie simply represents an exciting buildup to the real story, when the plesiocanth threat is at last revealed, in the thrilling sequel of swashbuckling prehistoric maritime adventure:

10,000 Leagues Under BC.

[Tuckerfan]

@CalMeacham

I think they deliberately left it vague, and they never showed us the guy.
I suppose that’s a legitimate artistic* choice, but it always pisses me off when they do that in a movie. I’d like to see what was covered up, after they teased us with it for so long.

Actually, its most likely a “rights issue.” Word has it that this was supposed to be a prequel to Stargate, but because Emmerlich didn’t have the rights any more, he couldn’t do that, so he just tried to come as close as he could without getting sued. ID4 is also rumored to have been originally written as a sequel to Stargate, but had to be changed when the rights holders objected.

[chowder]

@Lemur866

Your majesty, the slaves are revolting!

“Look here you peasant, I buy 'em, you wash 'em”

“Now fuck off and fetch me a dinosaur sandwich…no mayo”

[Mtgman]

@CalMeacham

9.) Nobody seems to have an economy. The African people are living in a desert. The Egyptian guys have only a few trees that I can see. Nobody’s growing the gazillion plants you need to support all those people. And mammoths. There should be vast fields of wheet and barley and grass (for the mammoths). But there’s nothing. Someone said that maybe it’s all ten miles away. Okay – YOU haul in all the goods for several thousand slaves from ten miles away. In a week you;'ll be planting wheat next door.

And yet the African people are growing corn(a native mesoamerican plant). While that’s possible in Egypt(they grow it ok there) it’s pretty freaking hard to grow corn in a desert(it relies on soil moisture because it has shallow root systems). And at the end? The African desert dwellers give D’leh corn to grow in what we can only assume is Siberia. You know, the place where the mammoth hunters can leave a carcass exposed for two thirds of a year because it’ll keep frozen. Corn is not cold-tolerant.

It was enough to put me off my popcorn, and I loves me some homemade popcorn.

Enjoy,
Steven

[Skald_the_Rhymer]

@Tuckerfan

Actually, its most likely a “rights issue.” Word has it that this was supposed to be a prequel to Stargate, but because Emmerlich didn’t have the rights any more, he couldn’t do that, so he just tried to come as close as he could without getting sued. ID4 is also rumored to have been originally written as a sequel to Stargate, but had to be changed when the rights holders objected.

Cite?

I’m not asking to be a dick; I’m actually interested.

[Terrifel]

@Mtgman

And yet the African people are growing corn(a native mesoamerican plant).

Surely that’s not a problem? After all, the Egyptians are seen building pyramids. And what did the Mesoamericans also build? Pyramids. Ergo, there must have been contact between Africa and Central America-- possibly a land bridge, or space aliens. And what do space aliens love? Corn. You see, it all fits together perfectly.

And at the end? The African desert dwellers give D’leh corn to grow in what we can only assume is Siberia. You know, the place where the mammoth hunters can leave a carcass exposed for two thirds of a year because it’ll keep frozen. Corn is not cold-tolerant.

Obviously you’ve never heard of the secret to a successful Siberian garden: properly composted plesiocanth fertilizer.

[Mtgman]

@alphaboi867

I’m still confused over whether the God-King was an Atlantean or a space alien (& where did he manage to get all those blind Albino slaves).

Whatever he was, he knew what the ancient Greeks would call the constellation Orion. When the feared “marks” were spotted in the scars on the slave-girl’s hands he remarked “the hunter has arrived.” The marks matched up with Orion.

This was the only part of the movie which made me chuckle. Well, that and the more-than-human spear throw at the end of the movie, but I mainly enjoyed it because it meant the movie was over.

Enjoy,
Steven

[Evil_Captor]

I find myself with Smiling Bandit on this one. The anachronisms didn’t bother me, the stupidity didn’t bother me, the corn didn’t bother me. But the movie was BOOOOOORING. I couldn’t find it in me to care about a single character. Some of the scenery was pretty, but not enough to justify all the boredom. I generally love movies like 10,000 BC, but somehow, it just sucked all the interest out of my mind.

[BMax]

@Terrifel

Surely that’s not a problem? After all, the Egyptians are seen building pyramids. And what did the Mesoamericans also build? Pyramids. Ergo, there must have been contact between Africa and Central America-- possibly a land bridge, or space aliens. And what do space aliens love? Corn. You see, it all fits together perfectly.Obviously you’ve never heard of the secret to a successful Siberian garden: properly composted plesiocanth fertilizer.

Ah, that explains the anal probing. It all makes sense now.