Ah, professional wrestling. Eagerly watched, debated, and squee’d over by fans, derided as redneck soap opera by non-fans, this peculiar homegrown blend of gladiatorial combat and kabuki theater (becoming more and more Cirque du Soleil with every passing year) parades before us a cast of colorful characters, scantily-clad perfect bodies, and bizarre “angles”, or storylines.
If I may, I’d like to share a selection of the ten pro wrestling storylines most likely to make you say: “WTF?”
- Matt Hardy-Lita-Kane love-lust-hate triangle
The stage was set for this storyline as far back as 2001, during a tag team match that pitted the high-flying Hardy Boyz (Matt and Jeff) vs. Kane and The Big Show. Lita, as the Hardy Boyz manager, was of course on the scene. Matt and Jeff, each being approximately half the size of Kane and one-fourth the size of the Big Show, were being demolished during the match when Lita launched herself off the turnbuckle at Kane. He caught her in mid-air and gingerly sat her back down on the turnbuckle.
Three years later, Kane decided that Lita must be his and so began punching Matt Hardy in the face until Lita agreed to sleep with him to save her boyfriend from being pounded into potato salad. Who knew having dirty unprotected sex with a demon wrestler from Hell would have consequences?
Lita turns up pregnant. Kane drops the bombshell that the baby is his during the worst possible moment: while Lita’s boyfriend Matt Hardy is proposing to her. Matt and Kane face off in a match, with the stipulation that the winner gets to marry Lita (as you do). Kane uses Matt Hardy for a chewtoy and so is united with Lita in unholy matrimony.
Lita would later miscarry the baby during Kane’s match against Snitsky, then proceeded to for play-play cheat on Kane with Edge and for real-real cheat on Matt Hardy with Edge.
- Raven and Kanyon’s night out on the town
ECW Hardcore legend Raven was noted for his dark, nihilistic promos and cult leader persona. He was such a dark character that the first thing WCW did upon getting their hands on him was to turn him into a total joke: a spoiled rich boy with an annoying mother. In this segment, fellow wrestler Chris Kanyon (RIP) has come to Raven’s mom’s swanky mansion to cheer Raven up. Raven, naturally, decides they need a night out on the town.
After a shopping trip – during which Kanyon reveals that he is the only gay man in the country who doesn’t know what Versace is – to get tricked out in the flyest clothes the mid-90s had to offer, Raven and Kanyon hit the bars and clubs. Notice the editing: it is clearly nightime when they return to Raven’s mansion. Then it cuts to daytime, Raven’s mom is coming home, and there goes Kanyon running down the stairs, frantically trying to pull his jeans back on. The only logical conclusion is that Raven wined and dined Kanyon, took him home and got him into bed, only to be woken up the next morning by Raven’s mom.