Point the first: Yes, we know that “wrasslin’s fake”. In other news, the people on your favorite TV show don’t actually fight to the death, fall in love with each other, or save the world, either. Yes, it’s all fake. Even reality TV. Especially reality TV.
Point the second: One should assume that I am discussing the kayfabe (ie fictional) characters portrayed by the wrestlers in this post. I know it’s confusing because sometimes they play characters that have the same names as them, but I’m sure y’all can keep up.
What I’m here to talk about is the epic CM Punk-AJ Lee-Daniel Bryan-Kane love quadrangle that has been playing out for the past few months. This storyline has had me in fangirl squee mode all along, and this is the thread to love it, hate it, or speculate about it!
WHEN AJ MET DANIEL
This whole thing started when AJ Lee and Daniel Bryan began dating back in November 2011. Who are AJ and Daniel, you may ask? Well, AJ Lee (played by April Jeannette Mendez) is a teeny-tiny lady-wrestler who happens to look like Rosario Dawson’s little sister. She also dresses like a Ninja Turtle for Halloween and is an all-around geek goddess. Daniel Bryan (played by Bryan Danielson [yes, really]) is a vegan socialist wrestler who knows about a million ways to twist your elbow behind your neck and break your joints faster than Rep. Aiken can open his mouth and break your will to live. On the outside, they seem perfect for each other.
However, all is not as it seems. Daniel Bryan swiftly became an emotionally abusive boyfriend to AJ, belittling her and putting her in harm’s way repeatedly to further his own goals. And when I say he put AJ in harm’s way, I mean literally, as in he set her up to get trampled by the 500-lb Big Show.
Daniel Bryan loses at Wrestlemania in a humiliating fashion to seven-foot-tall leprechaun Sheamus. Bryan does the only logical thing: he blames everything on AJ, dumps her on national television, and tells her he wishes she were never born.
INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE
AJ suffered a mental breakdown from Daniel Bryan’s treatment, or it seemed like she did. She found a new person to latch on to – WWE champion CM Punk (played by Phillip Brooks), a rebellious cynical loner deeply proud of his Straight Edge lifestyle. It should be noted that Punk, in the recent past, has been a bad guy and a very good one, but currently he’s more-or-less a heroic character. Although at first Punk suspected this was a setup on the part of Daniel and AJ to get him to let his guard down, he warmed up a bit to AJ, and even told her that although she’s crazy, he digs crazy chicks. This is also the debut of what I affectionately call AJ’s SEX EYES.
A third character entered the storyline in May, and his name is Kane (played by Glenn Jacobs). An imposing giant with forearms the size of small tree trunks, storyline-wise Kane is some kind of demon wrestler from hell, spat forth by the same blackened womb that produced our Dark Lord, the Undertaker. In a storyline against a vegan from Nirvana’s hometown and a tattooed punk who doesn’t smoke, drink, or do drugs, Kane maaaaaybe sticks out like a sore thumb. It’s sort of like dropping Godzilla into the middle of a love triangle on Days Of Our Lives. Anyway. Kane only got dragged into the whole thing because DBry got the clever idea to use him like a pawn against CM Punk, hitting Kane with a steel chair and then running off, so as to trick Kane into thinking Punk had done it.
A few days later, Daniel Bryan and CM Punk face off. AJ shows up wearing a customized CM Punk t-shirt and mooning over Punkers. Her interference in the match only cost Punk a win – leading to frantic fan speculation. Was her breakup with DBry all a plot? Were they sekritly in cahoots to bring down Punk? Kane suddenly appears and beats Bryan with a steel chair. AJ slides a chair to Punk so he can defend himself against Kane. AJ makes SEX EYES at Punk as he sends Bryan and Kane crawling from the ring.
REDNECK SOAP OPERA
Daniel Bryan confronts his ex AJ backstage on June 1, 2012, mocking her for thinking CM Punk cares about her. I’d like to point out that when they were an onscreen couple, DBry and AJ had basically zero chemistry. This is the first time I feel like we got a spark – apparently they can generate angry “I HATE YOU SO GODDAMN MUCH” sexual tension, but nothing else.
Three days later, Kane and CM Punk faced off, with Daniel Bryan watching from his swivel chair like a bearded Lex Luthor. While Punk’s back is turned, Bryan attacks him from behind, and Kane drags Punk into the ring by his hair. AJ goes to check on Punk, and when DBry starts yelling at her, Punk takes a flying leap right onto him! Be still my heart! Kane still soundly defeats Punk, and AJ crawls over to make sure Punk’s still breathing, only to be menaced by Kane. I suspect Glenn Jacobs (who plays Kane) must be a big sweetie backstage, because AJ looked like she was having a hard time pretending to be scared of him. Nevertheless, despite his insistence that he hates AJ and always has, Daniel Bryan attacks Kane to defend her. Way to oversell that kick to the face, DBry. Kane barely bumped you. AJ stands up, smiles at Kane, and makes SEX EYES at him. Overcome by this, Kane retreats.
Backstage, Kane refused to answer questions about the incident with AJ. Moments after he leaves, AJ slinks out of the darkness, revealing that she has been stalking him.
My thoughts: A lot of fans wondered why Kane was included in this storyline. Although it at first looks inexplicable, I think it’s a master stroke. AJ is supposed to be “crazy”; chasing after CM Punk ain’t gonna do it. It ain’t bizarre for a girl to be attracted to CM Punk! But have her chase after Kane, and she genuinely seems crazy. Plus: Does DBry still have feelings for her? If not, why attack Kane like he did? He’s not exactly a chivalrous kind of guy.
June 11, 2012. Daniel Bryan declares that he is nothing like Kane and CM Punk, because they have a weakness in the form of AJ and that he himself is ttly over AJ srsly u guiz. CM Punk comes out and schools him and reminds us how much he digs crazy chicks. Kane swaggers out to intimidate the other two guys by reminiscing about the time he electrocuted Shane McMahon’s testicles. AJ the good wizard runs out to tell Kane that he has a heart, CM Punk that he has an awesome, and you, DBry, you have a goatface!
A bizarre tag team match was announced: CM Punk and AJ vs. Kane and Daniel Bryan! AJ is understandably freaked out, but Punk assures her it will be a glorified “handicap match” (two against one) and that she won’t have to go in the ring versus either of the two other guys. She gives him a little kiss in gratefulness. But in the middle of the match, CM Punk is knocked into AJby Kane and accidentally tags her in!
Trembling, AJ climbs into the ring with Kane. She first attempts to defeat him using the power of ~kawaii~, skipping around him merrily before tapping him on the back. When Kane turns to face her, what can only be described as PG-rated pornography breaks out in the ring. AJ leaps into Kane’s arms, wraps her legs around his waist, kisses the hell out of him, and grinds against him a bit. The crowd chants “YES YES YES” while CM Punk looks on like he half-expects Kane to climb the Empire State Building with AJ in his clutches, while bi-planes buzz around his head. Kane stumbles away from her, tags in Daniel Bryan, and then is like “Adios, motherfucker” and vamooses. DBry charges his ex-girlfriend, only to run straight into a boot-to-the-face, courtesy of CM Punk. AJ sits Indian-style in the center of the ring and makes SEX EYES at all three men.
My thoughts: At this point I start hoping that somehow this love quadrangle will turn into a big happy foursome.
On June 15, AJ announces that she’s going to explain why she did the wild thing on Kane’s leg. She is rudely interrupted by Vickie Guerrero and Vickie’s boytoy, Dolph Ziggler. If you don’t know who Vickie Guerrero is, two words: Evil Cougar. Vickie slaps AJ, who pops crazy eyes at Vickie and makes SEX EYES at Dolph. This love quadrangle may very well have turned into a love pentagon, if not for the intervention of CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, and Sheamus. Vickie and AJ have to be forcibly separated.
During the Sheamus and CM Punk vs Daniel Bryan and Dolph Ziggler match that same night, AJ and Vickie catfight until Vickie kicks her into the side of the ring. AJ rolls on the floor, injured or pretending to be. Kane appears and lifts AJ into his arms, only to be attacked from behind by CM Punk. He pummels both Punk and then Daniel Bryan for good measure. AJ falls to her knees and stares at Kane adoringly. Fans everywhere fervently prayed that Kane would teach AJ how to chokeslam Vickie.
My thoughts: Is AJ just using Kane? Did she start out using him and is now developing actual feelings for him? Was Punk trying to rescue AJ from Kane or was he just seizing an opportunity to attack Kane?
IT’S OKAY IN A THREEWAY
June 17, No Way Out Pay-Per-View. AJ tracks down all three guys to wish them good luck in their matches. Kane gives her a passionate kiss. During the match, AJ is watching from the ring apron when Punk knocks Kane into her, throwing AJ to the ground. Punk then defeats Kane and goes showboating over his victory, while Kane scurries to check on AJ. He picks her up and carries her backstage, while over his shoulder AJ shoots Punk a look that seems to say “I’m getting dick tonight!” CM Punk keeps the title, Kane keeps the girl.
June 18, Kane and Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus and CM Punk in a tag team match. AJ suddenly appears, dressed up like Kaneand wearing his mask. Mesmerized by his own Harley Quinn, Kane starts to follow her backstage. DBry frantically screams at his partner to get back to the ring. Punk and Sheamus pound DBry into jello before Kane can return.
My thoughts: I think at this point everyone realized that, whatever was going on in AJ’s head, she was probably not in cahoots with Daniel Bryan, at least judging by how many times she’d gotten guys to punch him in the face.
Backstage, AJ has an earnest heart-to-heart with all three guys. The camera reveals that she has been talking to herself in a mirror. DUN DUN DUUUUN.
Kane vs CM Punk vs Daniel Bryan, FIGHT! The three guys attack each other like rabid wolverines. Even the commentators call Daniel Bryan “goatface” throughout the match. AJ skips out, distracting Kane long enough for Punk to take him out, and Punk long enough for Daniel Bryan to take *him *out. Backstage, Kane tells AJ that he’s not relationship material and breaks it off with her. AJ looks heartbroken.
CHAPTER FOUR: A NEW HOPE
July 2, 2012. Backstage, Daniel Bryan brings AJ a rose and tries to make nice-nice. AJ bites the head off the rose and spits the petals at him. AJ is hurt when Punk misses her match that night. Later, during the CM Punk vs Daniel Bryan, with AJ interference. As Punk tries to reason with AJ (lost cause) she plants a kiss on him and then sends him and DBry crashing through a table! She leads the crowd in a “YES YES YES” chant to mock DBry.
A week later, AJ calls out CM Punk and tells him of her feelings for him. She drops to one knee and proposes to him. Daniel Bryan objects, declares that he still loves AJ, and proposes to her himself! CM Punk, aghast, calls DBry on his BS. AJ decides that she’s going to marry one or the other of them.
July 16, 2012. Daniel Bryan proposes to AJ again, this time with a ring. AJ accepts, and they decide to wed on RAW’s 1,000th episode. AJ and Daniel Bryan prepare a cutesy engagement video with them picking out flowers and a vegan wedding cake. The wrestler Christian gives them the disbelieving long-suffering look we’d all like to. He announces that DBry is going to be facing AJ’s “psychotic ex-boyfriend” Kane in a match. Kane uses DBry for a chewtoy untilAJ pounces on his back. Kane swings AJ around to his front, mirroring their first kiss, and the crowd goes apeshit. The fans’ chants of “KISS KISS KISS” turn to outraged boos as DBry drags AJ from the ring and makes out with her in front of Kane.
My thoughts: Does anyone really believe Daniel Bryan had a change of heart about AJ after months of abusing her? I’m not even sure AJ believes it. By the way, Kane chokeslams DBry with AJ still on his back – hella sick!
July 23, 2012. Today’s the day: AJ and Daniel’s wedding. Before the wedding, DBry is seen backstage talking to men in white hospital suits. Partway through the vows, AJ chants “YES YES YES” – but explains she’s not saying yes to Daniel Bryan, she’s saying yes to Vince McMahon’s proposal. At this point everyone is like WTF? Is she gonna marry Vince? No, AJ is going to be the new general manager of RAW! She flings her bouquet at DBry like “Nigga, fuck yo flowers” and struts off.
My thoughts: Unexpected, but I think, totally triumphant moment for AJ. After months of speculation on which guy she’ll end up with, she gets what it seems she was after all along: real power and influence on RAW.
BOSS LADY
July 30, 2012. Daniel Bryan storms into AJ’s office and confronts her about their failed wedding. She tells him to shut up and reveals that she knows DBry was only marrying her to have her committed to a mental hospital! Later that night, Daniel Bryan has a meltdown, assaults R-Truth’s imaginary friend Little Jimmy, and AJ sends hospital orderlies to escort DBry to his psychiatric evaluation. Kane shows up as Bryan’s “anger management therapist”.
That same night, AJ announces that CM Punk has to defend his title against not one, but TWO opponents. He freaks out and calls her crazy while she makes SEX EYES at him.
August 8, 2012. CM Punk apologizes to GM AJ. His apology falls a little flat when he makes a demeaning speech to AJ, and she stands up to him. Punk asks if she’s trying to punish him for rejecting her proposal. Ouch!
My thoughts: Are they angling for a Chris Jericho/Stephanie McMahon kind of angry sexual tension thing with AJ and Punk? If so, it seems to be working. Considering her interactions with Daniel Bryan, I think AJ is indeed trying to punish Punk for turning her down, no matter what she says.
Two days later, Daniel Bryan ain’t looking so hot. He rants about AJ putting him in a match against Kane, who he calls AJ’s “overgrown, Frankenstein-monster boytoy”. Kane takes offense to that and it’s up to AJ to break them up. She thanks Kane for being kind and thoughtful to her, possibly the only time the words “kind” and “thoughtful” have been applied to Kane. Daniel Bryan gives her the most epic “you gotta be fucking kidding me” incredulous look ever when AJ insists he shake Kane’s hand. DBry probably still had an indentation on his ass in the shape of Kane’s boot from the last time they faced off. AJ leaves, but not before winking at Kane and giving him the ol’ SEX EYES. Kane bitchslaps Daniel Bryan and chases him into the crowd, then turns to look at AJ, who is laughing maniacally and saying “That was great!”
My thoughts: Kane and AJ continue to have fantastic chemistry. It seems like she’s got him wrapped around her little finger. The turnabout in her relationship with Bryan is delicious. Neither he nor Punk is adjusting well to the power imbalance in their relationships with AJ. Also, I’d like to laud Bryan Danielson’s acting skills. He looks genuinely terrified at Kane’s entrance and his facial expressions when interacting with AJ are perfect!
What’s next? I don’t know what’s next. AJ’s still GM and still on TV, but she hasn’t interacted that much with the three guys the last couple of weeks. I’m confident this story isn’t over yet. What fascinates me is that AJ’s character is something very rare in wrestling, hell, rare period: a truly unpredictable female character. No one really knows what’s going on in her head.
